Q. Which of these sets of animals would you most want to see get in a fight?
A. a polar bear vs. a Chihuahua
B. a bunny vs. a hamster
C. Bigfoot vs. Godzilla
D. a three-headed spider monkey vs. a large, rabid gerbil
E. a Rottweiler vs. a Pit Bull
Before, getting into each decision, I will provide a broad overview of the results for your convenience. There were fifty-three total subjects surveyed, drawn from a wide variety of race, gender, age, religion, and social class. Out of those surveyed, 15% chose answer A, 17% chose answer B, 13% chose answer C, 34% chose answer D, and 19% chose answer E. As can be seen, the results were spread fairly evenly across the board. A simple bar graph of the results would look like this:
First, I will analyze the motives behind the eight people who chose A. These people make me sick. Seriously. What kind of disturbed, twisted individual pits a helpless Chihuahua against a polar bear? The poor, little dog doesn�t stand a chance! Those who chose A are the people who drop pill bugs into scalding water, pour salt on snails, and roast ants with magnifying glasses. They have no interest in real competition; only pain, suffering, and brutal death matter to them. It really scares me to death to think about what these people do behind closed doors. When asked the reason for their decision, the most common response was, �Because it would be funny.� I shudder at the calm, mechanized way that they can condemn a small animal to death simply for their own amusement. All I can say is, what goes around comes around, suckers. Your cruelty will bite you in the rear one of these days and I will be there to laugh.
However, I have to make a side note in the case of one person who said that the reason she picked A was because she has a Chihuahua and he is a �fierce little bugger.� I�m sorry for grouping her with the psychos because she is not demented. She is just stupid. A ten-pound bug-eyed dog against a freaking one-ton polar bear has the same chance of surviving as a fart in a tornado: 0%. I�m sorry. I don�t care how �fierce� your Chihuahua is, it is going to die. Maybe not quickly (I am willing to grant the fact that Chihuahuas are probably quicker than polar bears), but mutilation and death is inevitable. This person does not belong in the real world. She should stay quietly in her room for her entire life so that she does not hurt herself trying to stop an eighteen-wheeler truck with her body because she says her body is �tough.�
Now, after that side tangent, moving on to those who chose B; all nine of you. There are two possible reasons that I can think of for choosing this option. First, you think that these are two cute animals that either won't fight or couldn't possibly do any harm to each other if they did. You are the pansies of the world, the ones who say, "Oh no, I don't like violence," the ones who want things to be "cute and cuddly," to have everyone hold hands and sing, and would like to plant daisies on every street corner. Your sugary sweetness makes me want to vomit on a kitten.
Unfortunately, there are a few people, hopefully not many, who picked choice B because they want to see two furry, cute, little creatures rip each other apart. These people are even disturbing and more utterly twisted than those who chose answer A. They are the ones who want to take everything that is good and right in this world and pervert it into violence, blood, and gore. Nothing would satisfy these sadistic fiends more than to see the poor bunny and a small hamster with blood on their coats and entrails dragging across the floor. They make me sick to my stomach in quite a different way than the first type of people. No matter how annoying the cute and cuddly, non-violent people are, I would rather have them around than the psychos who want to see the cuddly things become nasty.
The third option was C: Bigfoot vs. Godzilla. Seven people, approximately 13%, of those interviewed chose this option. If you wanted to see this fight most, you have big hopes and dreams. You are the ones who like to see violence in its most hyperbolic form. You chose C because it would be a battle of epic proportions between two powerful monsters; because it would be the "most destructive" of the fights. I applaud you on your vision. However, your vision has taken you too far. You are no longer living in reality. Instead, you chose to visit your own fantasyland with a fight between two imaginary creatures. Some said that this would be the best fight because the fighters are "awesome." Well, of course they're awesome; someone made these monsters up for the sole purpose of being awesome. You would not be able to see this fight because it could not happen. I invite you to leave the starship Enterprise and return to earth where the rest of us are living in a little place called reality. Don't worry, you'll adjust.
The most popular option was overwhelmingly D, which got eighteen, 34%, of the votes. To the ones who would most like to see a fight between a three-headed spider monkey and a large, rabid gerbil: you guys are my favorite. This is definitely the option that I would personally choose (although I think the others would certainly be interesting as well) because it would be sweet. You are the weird ones, the ones who like to take life with a bit of a sense of humor. It doesn't matter if this would be the most competitive fight or if there would be major carnage. You just want to be able to say that you witnessed an event like this, as one person put it, "a pure comical situation." Heck, maybe you just like the word "rabid." Truly, you are the ones who take pleasure in the bizarre and find enjoyment in experiencing the unusual. While critics of this survey may attempt to say that those who chose this answer are living in just as much of a fantasy world as those who picked option C because these animals don't exist either, I would like to refute that argument by pointing out that, although they certainly are not common, the animals in this fight are actually possible.
Finally, there are the ten of you who said you would most like to see a fight between a Rottweiler and a Pit Bull. You are the true, red, white, and blue striped Americans. Barbecuing steak on the back porch, you don't take any guff from anyone. You heard the word "fight" and immediately wanted the fairest fight between equally matched opponents. A competition needs to be between two powerful forces where there is always a chance for anything to happen. The other fights are "a done deal" whereas this fight is truly up for grabs. It�s a dog eat dog world out there and you are the ones who want to see which dog will eat the other. I admire your integrity and desire for a last vestige of pure competition.
Unfortunately, I doubt that I will ever see any of these fights in my lifetime, but it is fun to dream about anyway. Perhaps one day, long in the future, when the last of the animal rights activists have been snuffed out, I will be able to watch as a quivering Chihuahua enters the arena against a snarling polar bear. Until that day, I can do nothing but imagine the fights and ask inane questions to random people, then unprofessionally psychoanalyze their answers for personal profit and satisfaction.
