�What are you doing?� he asks.
�I�m lying naked on the floor,� I reply.
�Obviously, but why?�
�Well, it all started when I was lying naked on the floor. I was bored so I put some clothes on and decided to go for a walk. It was hotter than the center of the sun in the middle of July and � �
�Dave, the sun doesn�t get any hotter in July. The increased heat is caused by the angle of the Northern Hemisphere of Earth in relation to the sun.�
�Shut up. Where was I?�
�You were leaving the house naked.�
�Oh yeah. It was really hot. And I wasn�t naked, I just forgot my pants. By the time I got to the street corner, the honking cars and staring people brought that fact to my attention. I was really embarrassed and a little creeped out because this old guy kept looking at me and smiling. I ran back towards the house faster than a flaming chicken with roller skates when ��
�Uh, Dave? Chickens can�t wear roller skates.�
�Tiny ones.�
�And if a chicken were flaming, wouldn�t it die?�
�Eventually. So I was running really fast, no pants, when suddenly a pickup truck began to back out of the driveway in front of me. I tried to dive over the truckbed but I didn�t quite make it. I hit my head on the side of the truck, passed out cold, and fell into the bed. You�d think that the guy driving the truck would have heard the bang/crunch/thud noise but, nope, he was as deaf as Helen Keller with an ear infection.�
�That�s mean. And isn�t it illegal to drive deaf?�
�Probably is. When I finally woke up, I jumped out of the truck before I realized where I was. As it turns out, I was downtown, the rough parts of La Mirada, the wrong side of the railroad tracks. I was fearing for my life because I still didn�t have any pants��
�Did you have any shoes?�
�Yes, I had shoes. But those crazy people over there don�t like outsiders with no pants so I was scared. Then I see this homeless guy, drunk and passed out in the gutter. I figured, �What does he need pants for? He�s homeless.� So I took his pants and put them on. Let me tell you: those things itched worse than if I had ants in my pants.�
�That�s just an expression. No one ever really has ants in their pants.�
�You�re right, they were actually baby spiders, musta been a thousand of the little buggers.�
�Disgusting! Weren�t you scared?�
�Darn tootin I was scared! I took off sprinting down the street. I lasted for a good mile or so before the combined venom got to me and I collapsed. I tell you, my face was purpler than an elephant eating a plum.�
�That�s not very purple.�
�Sure it is. Which reminds me: What do an elephant and a plum have in common?�
�I dunno.�
�They�re both purple, except for the elephant! Haha!�
�That wasn�t funny.�
�You have no sense of humor. Anyway, a passerby saw my purple face and called an ambulance. When they arrived, the paramedics pumped me full of anti-venom and loaded me into the ambulance. Unfortunately for me, the medics were trying to break their record for fastest time back to the hospital so they cut some corners when getting me loaded. By cutting corners, I mean that they forget to make sure I was actually in the ambulance. They screeched out of there faster than I do when I see Nathaniel coming towards me. Boy, would I have liked to see their faces when they realize what they did. It wasn�t a big deal though because the anti-venom had taken effect and I felt much better. I decided to begin the long trek home. I was tired and it was hard to take that first step, but I felt better as I went along.�
�A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.�
�Hmm�very wise. I don�t care. I would have made it all the way home just fine if it weren�t for the wild beasts that roam these parts. I was four blocks away when I heard a growl and saw a huge canine running after me. This dog was massive. Have you ever seen a bull mastiff?�
�Yeah.�
�Well, he wasn�t that big, but he was at least the size of a small lab. His sharp, pointy teeth glistened with saliva and I could see his muscles, taut and ready to spring. So, once again, I ran for my life towards home. Several times he almost caught up to me. My life flashed before my eyes and I thought I was a goner but through divine intervention I managed to stay one step ahead. Finally, I saw our house at the end of the street. I summoned all my strength, put on a burst of speed and dove through the open window just ahead of certain doom at the hands of those vicious fangs of death.�
�Riiight. When I came in, I saw Precious, the Jefferson�s shih-tzu, sitting outside. She looked pretty tired so I gave her some water. Was she the one chasing you?�
�Umm. Could have been.�
�Hey, why is there glass all over the floor?�
�The window wasn�t as open as I thought it was.�
�Oh.�
�So after all that trauma, I was finally safe at home.�
�Is that all?�
�I think so. No�wait�when I dove through the window that I thought was open, I skinned my knee on the carpet. That still hurts a little bit. Okay, that�s all.�
�You�re sure?�
�Yeah.�
�But you never told me why you were lying naked on the floor.�
"Oh. I dunno. I guess I just felt like it."
�Oh. I dunno. I guess I just felt like it.�