EastEnders Character Epitaphs from the Albert Square Fan Club
During the Spring 2005 party, ASFC members came up with epitaphs that they think would be written on the character’s gravestones. Some are poignant, some strange, and the rest hilarious!

Tiffany Mitchell

A jewel crushed
Beneath the wheels
Of cruel fate

**********
A rare gem

**********
The darling of Albert Square

Peggy Mitchell

Mother knows best
But she doesn’t know enough

**********
Men were the death of me
(she’s right)

Phil Mitchell

[to Grant]
You were always
Mother’s favorite
(Grant Mitchell: So right, bro!)

**********
Met his untimely death
When a bonnet
Fell on his head

**********
Mumble, mumble, mumble….

Grant Mitchell

Don’t step on my head
Or I’ll kill you

**********
Live fast, die hard
(if he was only half as fast as he thought he was)

**********
Hot cars, hot women, hot money
(stone cold!)

**********
Who took his leave of us to Spain prior to his death
He was preceded in death my his father
Survived by his mother Peggy, brother Phil, daughter Courtney
And the as yet unidentified child from or by Michelle Fowler!

Jamie Mitchell

Too young, too cute, too sweet to die
This dear young man
His life cut short, grieved by Sonia, family and friends

Ian Beale

The last big deal

**********
Here lies Ian Beale
Phil put him there

**********
No one could match
His mean and selfish nature!

**********
See? It DOES kill you to be nice once in a while

Cindy Beale

She always wanted to live
In a hot climate

Steve Owen

I got away with murder

**********
Conked on the noggin
By a silent butler
(very funny, Matthew…)

Saskia Duncan

Here lies Saskia Duncan
She didn’t know what hit her

Den Watts

Den Watts died
As fast as he lived
Or did he?

**********
I’ll be back!

Roy Evans

Up, at last

Barry Evans

A pushover ‘till the end

Pat Evans

A bullet with my teeth I could not catch
But just make sure my earrings match

**********
Here lies Pat Harris Beale Wicks Butcher Evans

**********
She changed from Wicked Witch of the West
To Glinda the Good

Frank Butcher

Can’t get enough

**********
He did it all for love
(he loved to play games)

Ricky Butcher

All I wanted was someone to love
I should have stuck with racing cars

Janine Butcher

She used everyone
But was used by none

I had to take care of myself
(she took everyone!)

Lou Beale

So quiet and peaceful down here,
Away from the brats – Martin, Vicki and Arthur…

Arthur Fowler

Sweet, but cosmically clueless

Pauline Fowler

Pauline Fowler lived the good life
Can’t say the same for everyone else around her

**********
Her whine
Her frown
Gone at last
Thank God!

Michelle Fowler

Mistress of the one-shot pregnancy

Mark Fowler

On his bike

**********
The good die young

Nigel Bates

Sweet, but cosmically clueless

Alex Healy

Here lies Alex Healy
The most kind hearted
Man in the square

Dot Cotton

With Charlie and Nick to lean on
Is it any wonder that cigarettes
Were her best friend?

**********
I tried to do the right thing
(we forgive you)

Nick Cotton

Nick Cotton is resting here
So now everyone else can rest easy

Mo Harris

Here lies Mo Harris
As far away from Pat
As possible

Irene Raymond

A free spirit, traveled the world
Died in the arms of her millionare lover
Enroute to Timbuktoo
May she rest in peace