First of all, it should go without mentioning that my mother is beautiful, and also intelligent.   She can be a bit air-headed at times, though.  She raised 5 brilliant children, which probably contributed somewhat to her apparent lunacy.  Luckily, like the rest of the family, she has the ability to laugh at herself.  Here is a collection of some of our favorite 'Crab' stories.

(Love you, Mom!)

The Donuts

Crab is not a horrible cook, but she has made some pretty inedible things before (like the $30 pineapple "surprise" cake that weighed about 25 pounds and tasted like cement!).  Granny Gran (her mother) was not a cook either, so I guess she just didn't have a lot of experience in the kitchen.   My Dad actually cooked a lot, which was a good thing.  

One Saturday, I guess Crab was feeling somewhat domestic, and decided she would fix a little breakfast for us - some Morton's frozen donuts from the grocery store.   When I walked into the kitchen, Crab was cussing like a sailor at those donuts.   She was standing there with a donut in each hand, holding them on end and leaning them together in pairs, making something like little donut teepees.   She had about 3 pairs of donuts propped up, and was working on a fourth, when one of the other pairs fell over.  That's what prompted the cussing.   Apparently, she had been at this for quite some time.   I think I was about 8 years old, and I didn't know what to think.  

Finally, Daddy came into the kitchen to see what the fuss was all about.  Upon witnessing her bizarre behavior, he calmly asked what she was doing.  She replied (again, with much cussing) that "the package said to let stand for 10 minutes before serving, and I can't get the damned things to stand at all!"  

The Motorcycles

My brother, Robert, and I were playing out in our yard with some friends from down the street.   We were about 4 and 5 years old.  Crab (although she wasn't yet called 'Crab') would come out and check on us every so often.  

Some teenagers were riding dirtbikes in the ditch that ran behind our house.   Then, they came around the corner and started riding up and down the sidewalk.   Panicked, my mom rushed out into the yard, and started flailing her arms and hollering at these boys to stay off the sidewalk.   (We were sitting in the grass, having a good time watching all of this.)  The teenagers just kept riding.

Crab screamed at me and Robert to get in the house, and then she stormed in and picked up the phone and called the police.   Still flailing her arms about, she exclaimed that "a gang of wild teenagers riding big zucchinis were chasing her kids up and down the street!"   The officer, tickled at the visual of kids being chased by giant squashes, and needing a better description, asked my mother, "Ma'm, were these zucchinis salted, or not?"

The New Floor

We had just put in a new linoleum floor in the kitchen.  My dad was working nights temporarily, and would sleep during the day.  Crab was selling real estate and worked odd hours.  Whenever she would come home from work, she was usually griping about something before the door even closed behind her.  Her favorite thing to complain about was how we kids would "sit around leaving Coke cans and candy wrappers all over the house".  

Well, on this particular day, she came home about mid-day and the first thing she noticed was a big gray spot on her new floor, about the size of your hand.  She made a beeline to the sink and grabbed a sponge and every cleaning solution she could carry and set about scrubbing that spot, yelling the whole time.  She scrubbed and scrubbed, and nothing was getting that spot off her new floor.   She started yelling for my dad to wake up, asking him "what have you let these kids get all over my floor?"   Finally, Daddy was roused from his sleep and came into the kitchen where Crab was scrubbing the floor.  

Even in his half-sleep state, it didn't take him long to assess the situation.  He watched her scrub for a little while.  Then, without saying a word, he reached over, and removed the fly swatter that was laying over the edge of the counter, casting a shadow onto the floor.   Magically, the spot disappeared!   With that taken care of, Daddy quietly turned and went back to sleep.  (Daddy is a wise man, and knows that sometimes it's best to just not say anything!)