Title : Possession
Author : Kate/ Freya
Feedback : Always appreciated at [email protected] .  Flames will be used to torture the characters that I hate.
Fandom : Dead Poet's Society
Pairing : Neil/Todd
Rating : NC-17
Disclaimer : I don't own the characters.  I'm a poor student so don't sue me, it’s not worth it
Spoilers: for the events of the movie Dead Poets Society
Warning : Two underage boys (around 17).  Therefore, slash.  Don’t read it if it bothers you.  Deals with death. Non-con sex.  Slight AU, just to let me play around.
Summary :  Neil’s thoughts in the minutes of his last scene
Archive : The Marrow of Life, Movie_slash and Le Jardin de Givre.  Anybody else, ask first.
Notes : Thanks to Marguerite for help in the writing process.  And, yes, this story is unbeta’ed any mistakes are mine, feel free to point them out J


Possession
By Kate
[email protected]


***************
Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide.
Voices trapped in yearning,
memories trapped in time.
The night is my companion,
and solitude my guide.
Would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied?
***************

It’s the middle of winter.  It’s dark out now, but the moon is shining. It’s really too cold to be wandering around without a shirt on. I don’t care.  Look out at the night.  The snow is so beautiful in the moonlight.  The reflection of a thousand thousand tiny crystals. It’s like having a million eyes staring at me.  They see me, I know.  They see the real me as I stand at the open window staring out.

I put on my Puck crown.

Today was a good day.  It was the best day of my life.  I was in the play.  I was good.  I was really good.  Everyone who mattered to me was there.  They all saw me doing those things, they saw me excel.  It was awesome in the literal sense of the word.  I know they all felt it. 

Charlie was there.  Mr. Attitude- Mr. Wonderful and Wild, saw me on stage.  And I was so good.  He knew tonight that I was as good as he was.  I don’t think any of them ever knew how much I felt inferior to him.  I’m the “leader”, but Charlie is the driving force, the sheer will behind our little group.  I couldn’t have done anything without him.  Truthfully, I don’t know if I would have had the guts to try to be more than my father and everyone else expected me to be without Charlie and his Nwanda tactics.  I’m not the brave one.

And now Charlie knows.  I told him, earlier this week.  I didn’t know what else to do, so I asked the daring one, the brave one.  I told Charlie that I was…. that I…. I can’t even think it without hesitating.  Breathe.  I can do this, I’ve already done it.  I told
Charlie that I was… that I was… in love with Todd.  I’ve said it before, but I really didn’t know what to do.  I have never wanted anything as badly as I want to act, to be on stage.  I wanted Todd almost as much.  Have you ever really wanted something, even though you knew it was going to be a mistake?  That’s what it was like….. I knew it would be so good, and I felt terrible, knowing that I would regret it once it was done.  And Charlie told me that I should do what felt right.  He said I should follow my heart.  So I did.

***************
And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard.
I'll take your breath away.
And after, I'd wipe away the tears.
Just close your eyes, dear.
***************

Meeks, Pitts and Cameron were at the play, too.  I know that I held them.  I held them with my voice and my performance.  I could see them in the audience.  Laughing when I meant for them to laugh.  Captivated when I wanted them to be.  Breathing only when I let them.  They were with me completely.  I had them all, the entire audience.

Looking out into the sea of upturned faces was like being God, looking down on all of the mortals on  earth.  Meeks and Pitts and Cameron would be angels.  Cherubs, I suppose- innocently captivated.  I don’t think they knew what they were seeing.  A creation, my creation, my own world.  Everything could be the way I wanted it to be.  Everything was perfect.  Charlie and Mr. Keating understood, I think.  At least they had a better idea.  I suppose that makes them my archangels.  I wonder if they’ll spread my message.  I’m sure they’ll never forget it.

It was so hot on that enchanted stage.  The lights blinded me at first.  Like looking directly at the sun- from just a few feet away.  All the different colors of the rainbow shone down upon us like rain, but weightless.  Like snow.  Letting me see whatever I wanted to see, making the illusion real for the audience.  It wasn’t really acting, good acting isn’t.  It was becoming.  I didn’t play Puck, I was him.  For those few hours I slipped into someone else’s life.  Incidentally, I escaped my own life.  My own complications.  I was released from Charlie’s competition of guts and glory.  From Mr. Keating’s expectations of me, his vicarious living through me.  I don’t think he meant to be so like my father.  He was a role model, but I know he loved knowing that I was doing what he had done, what he had wanted to do.  When I told him I had stood up to my father, even though I was lying, it was like he had won a major victory.

***************
Through this world I've stumbled,
so many times betrayed.
Trying to find an honest word, to find
the truth enslaved.
Oh, you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes.
My body aches to breathe your breath,
your words keep me alive.
***************

My Father.  Father was there, too.  And he saw how good I was.  He knew that I was better than he had ever thought I could be.  He still ordered me to give it up.  I can’t give it up.  It’s who I am, it’s who I want to be.  He was so angry at me when we got back here.  Mother wasn’t any help at all.  I’ve never been able to decide if her lack of strength is due to years of being subject to Father, or if she truly is just that lacking in will.

But Father was so disappointed in me.  Why can’t he just see that I need to do this?  I need to escape what I am, I need to be more that I, Neil Perry, could possibly ever be.  No one seems to understand that.  No one understands that I don’t want to act because I
enjoy it, or because I’m good at it.  I’m good at it because I need it.  I need to have some way to perfectly express what I feel- even if the only way to do that is to become someone else.  Meeks, Pitts, Knox, they don’t get it.  Even Charlie and Mr. Keating don’t understand.  Father and Mother certainly don’t.

But Todd…

***************
And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard.
I'll take your breath away.
And after, I'd wipe away the tears.
Just close your eyes, dear.
***************

Todd understands why I needed to do this.  I think he even understood why I needed to do those things the night before the play. 

The night before the play, the beginning of the best day of my life.  I took Charlie’s advice.  And I told Todd.  I expected him to…

I don’t know what I expected him to do.  I didn’t expect him to smile at me.  One of his real, true, beautiful smiles, with his eyes shining and no shyness in his face.  When I told Todd that I loved him, he just smiled at me, and then he pulled me in and kissed me.  Such a soft kiss.  Just his lips pressing against mine, barely parted.  Then he just held me against him, and I held him against me. 

We stood like that, pressed together from shoulder to knee.  Just resting out heads on each other’s shoulders.  He smelled really wonderful.  Like sunshine and wool and soap and… well, I suppose it must just have been the smell of him.  Then I lifted up my head and kissed him.  Todd’s mouth was such a contrast.  The hard edges of his teeth, the bone beneath his gums, the hardness that framed his mouth on all sides.  The softness of his cheeks, his tongue as it danced with mine.  And then we put our heads back down on each other’s shoulders.  I could feel him blushing against my neck- I wondered if he could feel my blush.

And then I spoke.  “You’re the first boy I’ve ever kissed, you know.”

And he spoke.  “I’d like to be the second.”

Oh, God.  For quite a while there really wasn’t much talking at all.  Somehow we ended up on my bed together.  I pulled frantically at his clothes.  He kept telling me that we had time, that we should slow down.  I didn’t listen to him.  I pulled off his shirt and his pants.  I don’t remember taking off my clothes, but in the end we were both naked.  I held him down, pinning him flat to the bed.  He kept trying to grab hold of me.  Trying to touch me, but I didn’t want him to do anything.  I told him that I’d do it all for him, all he had to do was lay back and enjoy.  I pinned him to the bed with my body, I held him down.


And I kissed him.  Soft, wet, loving caresses.  And I kissed him so hard, I think I split his lip.  I tasted his blood, and it tasted good, just because it was his.  We kissed for a long time.  He kept pressing against me, pressing against my mouth every time I thought about pulling away.  And when I finally drew back he was gasping for breath.  I took his breath away, and he looked beautiful.  His beautiful eyes were so dilated, they looked almost black instead of blue.

The muscles of Todd’s chest and arms were outlined by the moonlight glinting off the sweat on his body.  We stared into each other for a long time.  And then I couldn’t be still.  I tasted him everywhere.  The salt of his sweat and the smell of his arousal filling my head.  And then his come filling my mouth.  And then my body against him, my cock rubbing against his hard hip and his spent cock.  He tried to say something, but I kissed him again, hard- like I was.  He bucked up against me, almost throwing me off.  I loved his desire to help me come.  I wanted to be completely in him.  To lose myself in him. And to make him lose himself in me.  To completely control him.  I wanted to dominate him, make him subject to myself.  He whimpered under me and that was all it took.  I came.

I tasted him again.  Cleaning him with my mouth and my hands.  He lay still beneath me.  When I got to his face I kissed him.  But all I could taste was the salt of his tears. 

I knew it wasn’t going to be the right choice in the end.  Even as I escaped from everything else through that stage, I was releasing Todd. 

He said it was alright, that he didn’t really expect us to go so fast, but he hadn’t wanted me to stop.

I know it wasn’t true. I don’t know what he was thinking, what exactly he wanted.  As I think back over my actions that night, I know that Todd did want me to stop, to slow down, but I didn’t listen.  But he came.  He said it was okay.  He said he liked it.  Todd said so.   But as we lay down to sleep I whispered “I love you.”

He didn’t answer.

***************
Into this night I wander.
It's morning that I dread.
Another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread.
Oh, into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride.
Cause nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied.
***************

So here I stand, looking out at the moonlight on the snow.  It isn’t Todd’s fault.  And it’s not Mr. Keating’s.  It’s my fault.  I just don’t know where to go from here.  I have reached the peak.  You know that point in your life where everything is perfect, but it’s all waiting to come crashing down?  I’m there.  I acted perfectly.  I amazed my peers. I impressed my role models. I can write and create.  I got the guy I love. 

Today was the best day of my life, and it was the worst.

I’ll never act so well again.  Hell, I’ll probably never act again at all.  I’ll never see my peers again, I’m going to military school.  Mr. Keating can’t help me now, and Father doesn’t care about what I want.  Writing won’t save me from military school, or the life my father has planned for me.  Todd will not understand what I did, why I did it.  I hurt him, and soon he’ll realize it and hate me for it.

No one will really understand what I have chosen to do now.  I could fight back.  I could take my life into my own hands and do what I want to do.

But I won’t.  I’m not the brave one.

I take off the Puck crown.  And take a last look at the million crystalline eyes that stare at the real me.  Walking to the door is the hardest part.  I know that if I get to the door, I’ll actually do it.  Once I get across the threshold of this room, there will be no going back.  It’s only ten steps to the door.  Nine.  Eight.  I wonder what it’s going to feel like.  Seven.  Six. Five.  My hair still smells like the stage make-up that I washed off less than two hours ago.  Four. Three. My ears still ring with the applause of the audience, the congratulations of my friends.  Two.  My skin still smells like the costume I’ve been living in for the last few weeks.  One.  My mouth still tastes like the kiss I stole from Todd when he came to congratulate me backstage.

I reach out for the doorknob.  Turn it to the right, pull open the door.  I remember to stop just before the hinges squeak.  In bare feet and lacking a shirt I move slowly down the hall.  I’m not afraid.  I feel… floating… disconnected, none of this really matters.

Because I’m already gone.

I walk down the hall.  It’s dark in this house, the house where I was raised.  The dark doesn’t matter, I close my eyes and don’t open them again until I’m standing next to my parents’ bed.  Mother looks tired.  And sad.  Father looks the way he always does.  Angry, disappointed- beaten.  I’m his last chance, but I won’t be what he wanted to be, I won’t be his substitute life.  I’m not strong enough to do that without breaking into a million pieces.

I look at the key in my hand.  Gleaming dimly in the faded moonlight, the faded dreams of this night.  I could turn around.  I give myself the option, only to find that I’ve already made this choice, and there is no going back.

I tread softly through the silent house.  It’s so quiet.  It’s like the chapel at midnight.  The feeling of communion at the midnight service on Christmas Eve.  The feeling of sitting outside and connecting with everything around you.  Everything is in accord.  Everything is peaceful.  I am peaceful.

The study.  I take the gun out of the desk drawer and sit in my father’s chair.  This is the room I learned in, studied in.  This is where I came to be praised, and where I came to be punished.  This is where it all began for me.  I was told what my life would be in this room.  I think it’s fitting that I should carry out my own plans here.  I’ll make my own choices here.


I’d say that I’ll make my own life.  But... but.

The night is so beautiful from these windows.  The snow isn’t cold from here.  The moon is so close from here.  It’s all so clear.

My arm feels strangely weightless as I lift the gun to my head.  I don’t have to do this.  There are other options.  But I won’t take them.

My fingers tighten around the gun.  The solid weight of choice rests in my left hand.  The pressure against my temple isn’t real, it’s just my imagination.  And I squeeze the trigger.

It doesn’t hurt, I thought it would hurt.

I’m sorry, Father, I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be.

I’m sorry guys, I just couldn’t be the leader anymore.

I’m sorry Mr. Keating.  I can’t be what you wanted to be.

I’m sorry, Todd…. I’m so, so sorry…

I can’t live this life anymore.

I’m not the brave one.

***************
And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard.
I'll take your breath away.
And after, I'd wipe away the tears.
Just close your eyes…
***************

I’m sorry…

THE END