The Crazy Squirrel presents :
"No Further Than Your Nose"
The Cast :
Methos
Amanda Devereaux
Joe Dawson
Richie Ryan
And
Duncan MacLeod
A play written by Marguerite Muguet, with no sequel or prequel. Because of its content (m/m interaction), no underage person can see this play even though it is rated PG-13. Also, the author would like to thank Julia who was brave enough to beta this and Chelle who was kind enough to read it with a critical eye. If you wish to give feedback to the author afterwards, she is waiting in the bar next door. She may be a bit inebriated, but she'll be glad to see you and hear from you.
This is a work of fiction. The out of character attitude of the characters, the incidents, and the dialogue are products of the author's imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Any resemblance to characters, dead or alive, is anything but coincidental. Let it be said, however, that no money has been made from this play, and that the author is poor, very poor.
Ladies and gentlemen, bon spectacle.
***
Act One
Scene I
At Joe's bar
Duncan MacLeod : Methos, we have to talk.
Methos : Is it about some kind of weird quickening you might have caught on the way here?
DM : Um, no.
M : Is it about demons or all that mumbo jumbo stuff? DM : No. Methos... M : Wait, it better not be about Kronos or Byron because I don't want to hear any apologies. I'm kind of glad you killed them, actually. Say, I have this 'friend', if you know what I mean, and I was wondering if... DM : Methos, listen! It's about *us*. M : Oh, okay. What about us? He raises the bottle, in goes the beer. DM : I'm in love with you. Out goes the beer. M, cough, cough : What?! DM : I love you. M : Oh. Phew, thought you said you were in love with me. Glad to hear it, Mac. Love you too, best friend I ever had. DM : No, not as a friend! I want you to be my boyfriend. M : Your... DM : Oh, for God's sake! Mac kisses Methos. M : Duncan, stop! DM : Why? M : You're not bisexual! DM : What makes you think that? M : Oh, I don't know, what about everything in you that screams "Women Only"? DM : What?! Oh, come on! That's nonsense. M : Yeah, right. I believe you. DM sighs : Methos, I've slept with plenty of guys during the course of my 400 years. M : Name one. DM : Well, there was Cory Raines. M : You can't stand the guy. DM : He put me through so much trouble; he had to make it up to me somehow. M : Riiiight. DM : And I had lots of fun with Brian; he could do things with his hands... He gets lost in his thoughts. Now, Fitz and his tongue, mmmm... M : Oh, please, spare me. DM : Didn't you read my chronicles? Since you seem to know all about my female lovers, I thought you knew about *all* my lovers. I didn't wait for you to come into my life to experiment with gay sex, you know. Not only that, but I had a fifteen year gay relationship with an actor named Claude. M : I... I don't believe you. DM : What do you mean, you don't believe me? We'll just ask Joe. I'm sure you've missed some parts of my chronicles. Joe! Joe Dawson, off stage : Coming! Scene II Joe Dawson : Here's more beer, Methos. Methos, looks at the full bottle; looks at the empty one in his hand : Nah. Give me some water. I'm not going to drink beer any time soon. J : What happened to you? You sick? Duncan MacLeod : He can't be sick; he's Immortal. J : I meant emotionally. M : You should have asked me that 2000 years ago. Or better yet, ask Mac if *he* is sick. J : Why? M : He seems to think he's bisexual. J : What? He laughs. You taken a Bi quickening or something? DM : Joe! M : No, I asked him. DM : I'd think that you, as my Watcher, would know that I'm bisexual. J : You're kidding, right? DM : No! sigh Tell me, where was I between 1965 and 1980? J : What? You think I've memorized all your life? DM : Joe! J : Okay, okay. 1965, you said? Well, you shared an apartment with that fellow. What was his name? Oh, yeah, Claude, an actor, I think. DM : And... J : And what? You shared an apartment with the guy, what does that prove? You shared beds with Fitz, means nothing. DM, yelling : I was sleeping with them both! I'm bisexual. Got it? Silence M : Yeah, we got it. As well as the whole bar. DM : What do I care? I'm sure they believe me. Unlike my supposed friends. J : You're serious, aren't you? Duncan MacLeod glares. J : But... but, how could the Watchers miss it? DM : Beats me. M : I still don't believe you. DM : Well, let me prove it to you. Come on, I'll show you how bisexual I am. M : Mac, where are we going? Let me go! Duncan drags Methos off the stage. J : I can't believe this! Light fades.***
Act Two Scene I At the barge Amanda Devereaux : What's going on, Duncan? Methos called me, hysterical, saying something about gay sex and you. Now, explain yourself! Duncan MacLeod : Ah, Mandy. I just told him I was bisexual and that I wanted to have a relationship with him. And he doesn't believe me! I even tried to have sex with him in my car, but he ran away. A : What?! Since when are you interested in men? Oh, I get it. You're interested in having sex with Methos and his 5000 years of experience. Well, believe me, it's nothing to be impressed about. He's like every other man. DM : You don't get it, Amanda! I *love* him... A : Is this one of your guilt trips? I see clearly now. You're feeling guilty because of the whole Bordeaux mess, and now, you're trying to apologise to Methos by giving him what he wants. DM : It's not about the Horsemen! I don't feel guilty about it! A : You don't? DM : No. Well, maybe a little, but Methos feels guilty too, and you don't see him sleeping with me! A : Well, why did you say you loved him then? DM : Doesn't anyone get it? He paces a bit. Have you forgotten Claude? A : Claude? Oh, the actor! Well, what about him? DM : I had a 15 year relationship with him! Don't tell me you didn't see that?! A : You... What.... How come... Well, I'm... You were in a gay relationship, and you didn't tell me about it!!! DM : Oh brother. I'm outta here***
Act Three Scene one At Joe's barOnly Methos and Joe Joe Dawson : So he tried to... Methos : Yes. J : In his... M : *Yes.* J : Wow. M : I need a drink. J : You've drank enough. Those are empty bottles in front of you, not a new table decoration. Besides, I thought you'd be happy of this new... development in your relationship. M : I am. I want to celebrate. J : Here, a new bottle. M : Thank you. J : So, what are you going to do now? M : What I always do. J : Nothing. M : Exactly. He drinks. J : Basically, you're going to play hard to get. M : Exactly. He grins. J : And then? M : And then, we'll buy a house in the suburbs, adopt some cats, and live happily ever after. J : I thought you didn't do commitment with other immortals. M : Yeah, bought that one, didn't you? J : You mean... Why you little... M, giggle : Whoa. Immortal coming. J : Shhhh. It's Amanda. Boy, does she look pissed. Act unhappy. Scene two Amanda enters the stage and sits with Joe and Methos. Silence. Methos keeps on drinking. Joe Dawson : Sooo... Amanda Devereaux : So what? J : You talked to him? A : Yes, I talked to him. Give me that bottle, you old bastard. Methos : Get yourself another man... er... bottle. This one's taken. J : Here, take this one. Silence. So, I guess this means he didn't deny it? Amanda drinks steadily. M : There's another Immortal coming. Maybe it's Duncan. How do I look? J : Man, you are *so* drunk. Scene Three Richie enters the stage, helmet off, leather coat on. Richie Ryan : Hey, everyone. He sits with the others. R : Geez, look at all those bottles. Who's dead? Methos : Mac's virginity, it would seem. It went away years ago... Amanda Devereaux : And will be dearly missed. M : Speak for yourself. R : Huh? Joe Dawson : Forget it, Richie. Here, take a glass, and join us. Some time spent drinking. R : Um, not that I mind the free alcohol, but is there some reason we're drinking? A : Duncan is not 100% vanilla. He enjoys chocolate now and then. M : Duncan has been living a double life. J : Duncan plays in both fields. R : Ah. Okay. He looks around and mutters : Now, *that* was so much clearer. Some more drinking. Methos : Oh, shit. Joe : What? Richie : What? Amanda : What next? Joe has the hots for Richie? Duncan has discovered he's a transvestite? What? Richie : *What*?! J : Um... no, not really. A : Talk, old man, what earth shattering revelation have you had? M : Well, um. Duncan wants us to have a relationship, see? R : A relationship? A : Yeah, yeah, don't rub it in. I'm half tempted to cut off your head. J : Don't mind her, old buddy, what's wrong with that? I thought it was what you wanted. M : Um, yeah, but you see, what if he wants sex? R : Sex?! A : Of course he'll want sex. We're talking about Duncan MacLeod here. R : ?? What the hell are you all talking about?? M : Well, um... I'm kind of a virgin that way. J : Uh oh. The End.
Click here to go back. Click here to generously give feedback.
