Title: Doop
Author: Kate
Fandom: X-Men (loosely based on the movie)
Series: Nope
Pairing: implied:  Logan/Scott, Jean/Scott, Jean/Logan/Scott, Xavier/Remy
Rating: mild R
Feedback: Yes, please… you don’t even have to be kind. Any and all comments welcome at: [email protected]
Archive: Ask first, I’ll say yes
Disclaimer: None of them are mine, though I wish they were
Summary: Random, chat inspired silliness
Spoilers: sorta follows cannon, so spoilers for the movie--- kinda, but not really

Warnings:  humor (oh, no!)… Sorta non-consensual…. Voyeurism.  Just plain offensiveness.  I’m playing with all sorts of my pet peeves in fics, mocking them really.  There are definite squicks in this piece (see above warnings), so if you don’t wanna take the risk, don’t read it.

Notes:  Thanks to Marguerite my one and only master and creative consultant (she has truly warped my fragile, little mind!).  Thanks to Khirsah and Chris for adding comments and ratings to this one.  (And just plain listening.)  Thanks to Kim beta-ing (How do you spell that?), any remaining mistakes are mine, and mine alone.  Text in ** indicates actions. Text in () indicates the narrator and her captive audience commenting on life, liberty and the pursuit of slashy fun.  At some points the speaker is ambiguous.  I know that it’s annoying.  So’s the piece J.  If you really want to know who says what, mail me an I’ll send you a labeled copy.  One last note- ‘doop’ really has absolutely no meaning.  I have no idea why I typed it.


(Kate:  Doop
Marguerite:  Doop?  What's that?  What does it eat in
winter?
Kate:  Logan
Marguerite:  What?  Logan's a doop?  What's a doop?
Kate:  GRRRRRR Logan/Scott.... GRRRRRR....)



Doop
By Kate
[email protected]



“Jean! What's she doing here!?!”

“Ah!  Cover that up, right now!”

(Marguerite:  Get her out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

“Why, Logan?  It's nothing she hasn't seen before.”

“You mean, you and... and she!?!?!

“How could you?  You betrayed me with a MAN!” *muttering to herself* “How dare he steal my gender stereotype- I get to do the betraying with men.”

“But, Jeannie!  Don't you see?  No woman could possibly compete with you, so I HAD to go to a man!”

(Marguerite:  I'm lost!  What is this?  *Keeps on reading.*  Hehehehehehe, I like that explanation.)

“So, I’m just a replacement for Jean, Scott?  How could you USE me like this you... you... MAN!”

(Marguerite:  *LOL*)

“Um, Logan, you're a man... OH MY GOD!  I see it in your mind- sometimes I hate being telepathic- you weren't a man, and they MADE you one when they put in the claws!”

"Logan!  My poor love, how could they do this to you?  No wonder you were so ready to let me be on top.”

“SCOTT!  Don't tell her THAT!  That's none of her business, it's just between you and me!”  *Sob*

“Now, Logan, honey, there's no reason to be embarrassed.  I’ve been with Scott myself and I know what he's like--- oh, God---”

“You know?

(Marguerite:  What?  What?  What's happening?)

“Yes, Logan, he's an animal!  Are you alright, Logan?  Men's bodies aren't designed for the exercise you've put yours through.”

"Well, now that you mention it, I do seem to be in a bit of pain here.”

(Marguerite:  Hehehehe...)

“Logan, love, why didn't you tell me??  I would have stopped, I swear I would have stopped, whenever you said-- if you had mentioned it soon enough.  Of course, sometimes it’s just too late to stop.  But you didn’t say anything--oh, God, I feel so guilty.”

“Now, now, Scott- it's not your fault!  You just got caught up in the moment.  Logan?  Did you ask him to stop?”

(Marguerite:  Hey, no rape!  You hear me!  And get Jeannie the hell out of that bedroom.  Are they in a bedroom?)

(Kate:  Sorry, Marg!  The clichés are slipping in--- just wait till he tells Jean why he's cheating on her.)

“Well... I sort of didn't even want him to start, but he did and I couldn’t stop him.  He took off his glasses and threatened to LOOK at me.”  *Sob*  “And... and... and... then, I... decided that if I was ever going to face up to my fundamental gayness it might as well be now... and I did like it.”

“Well, as long as you liked it in the end, that's all that matters.”

“Jean, you are one smart lady.”

(Marguerite:  What?!  LOL, keep on going...)

“So, Scott-- why are you cheating on me?  It's because I’m not good enough for you, isn't it?  Isn't it?”  *Gasp*  “I knew that I could never be good enough for you, never be good enough for ANYBODY, but just tell me what I did!  I’ll fix it; I’ll make it better! I'll do anything that you want me to do!  I’m not mad though, I have no right to be mad.”

(Marguerite:  Heheheh, here comes the good bits.)

“You see, Jean, I just have needs.  I’m a manly man and I’m sorry, but you just have to deal with that!  You can't fulfill all of my needs.  No one person possibly could, because, I’m a man and I NEED to have as many lovers as I choose, whenever I choose.”

“Oh, Scott- it must be so hard for you to lead us, with the testosterone induced madness and all!”

(Marguerite:  *LOL*)

“Yes, Logan, it is- but you help me, too, in a small way.  You both satisfy my needs for the time being-- but only the two of you together!”

“I’m sorry, Scott, that I ever thought I had the right to make you monogamous!  Can you ever forgive me for expecting you to find everything you needed in me?  And even if you want to hurt me, that's fine!  It's okay, because you are so important to the survival of the world and the fight for mutant rights.  Just, please, let me be a part of that.”  *Sob*  “Please, let me help you!  Use me in any way you need, just as long as you end up satisfied!”

“Yes, Jean.  I will grant your request!  You may stay in my bed and serve on my team of X-Men and work for my goals.  In time you may even have the honor of carrying my child.”

“Scott, please, can I help, too?  Is there any way you can use me to help with your fight?”

(Marguerite:  Somebody give me a gun.)

“Logan, the best way you can help me is to always be lubed up and ready.  ALL THE TIME!”

“Alright!  I’ll do it, for you, Scott!”

“Good.  Both of you please me tremendously!  Now, Jean, get the hell in my bed, babe.  That's right, just lie on your back like that... and Logan, you get that tireless tongue of yours working, I’m a mess!”  *moan*  “Ah, this is the life.”

“Yes, Scott, it is.”

*Groan*  “I love you, Jean.”

“I love you, Scott.”

“I love you, Logan.”  *Whimper, gasp, pant, moan*

“I love you, too, Scott.”

*ZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZ*

“Is he asleep, Jeannie?”

“Yes, Logan, he is.”

“How much longer do we have to do this?  You said he'd be out of the psych ward in no time, if we just went along with him.”

“Well, that's what Professor Xavier said-- that's why we have to make those tapes, so that Xavier can monitor Scott's progress.”

*shrug*  “Oh, okay, Jeannie.  G'night.”

“Good night, Logan.”

-*-*-*-*-*-
*Xavier carefully filed the 239th tape next to the rest of the series.*  “Life... is.... GOOD.”  *He petted Remy's head.  And smiled.*

THE END



(Marguerite:  EWWWW...
Kate:  OHHHHHH GOD.  I AM SICK AND TWISTED!!!!  Where the HELL did that COME FROM!
Marguerite:  More to come we hope?  
Kate:  NOOOO, random channeling of--- um--- Damn, that was all me.  I’m such a freak)