If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot...and something cold,cold?
What is the speed of dark?
Why are there braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings why don't they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
Why isn't phonetic spelt the way it sounds?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never  opened, small stain.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like  A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
10Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
1Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
3* Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!
6* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
4* I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
6THE PUBLIC TELEVISION VIRUS: It stops every few minutes and asks for money.
5THE MEDICARE VIRUS: It tests your system for a full day, finds nothing wrong then sends the government a bill for $4,800.
7THE KIVORKIAN VIRUS: It shuts down your computer as an act of mercy.
2THE RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: It won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
3THE ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs only to reappear at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
8THE PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack.--once if by LAN, twice if by C:\ 
11CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
4JOHN BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
5OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
3POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
4GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
1,6NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
7AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
7MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
10FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
3STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
3HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for 4,500 bucks.
4,1LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
2CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
5ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.
4,15CANADA POST VIRUS: It would have infected you if it hadn't gotten lost transferring to your hard disk.
4Type this if you are on mirc -->  // $+ $left(2,quizzle) $+ $right(2,bombit) $left(1,imkewl) $right(2,spam) $left(2,gary) $+ $right(1,maily)
Plant your own dope, grow your own man
What the most worthless thing on a womens body? - A white guy about 40 years old.
What can lifesavers do that man can't?? - Come in seven colors.
4Q:  What do you do with 365 used rubbers?  4A:  Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
4Q:  What's the difference between sin and shame?   4A:  It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
4Q:  What's the ultimate rejection?     4A:  When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
4Q:  Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?     4A:  Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
4Q:  Why is air a lot like sex?     4A:  Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
6Q:  If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?     6A:  K9P.
Q:  What did the egg say to the boiling water?     A:  "How can you expect me to get hard so fast?  I just got laid a minute ago."
Q:  What did the potato chip say to the battery?     A:  If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
Q:  What's another name for pickled bread?     A:  Dill-dough
Q:  Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?     A:  He heard the snowblower coming.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a throw on those little bottles of Evian water?    Try spelling Evian backwards.
You are drinking too much coffee when Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You know you are drinking too much coffee when You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You know you are drinking too much coffee when You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You know you are drinking too much coffee when You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
5EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks s-l-o-w-e-s-t!
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
4Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
6Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth--how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4It's going to be a bad day when: You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
5It's going to be a bad day when: Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is Frank.
It's going to be a bad day when: You call the Suicide Prevention Hotline and they put you on hold.
It's going to be a bad day when: Your tax refund cheque bounces.
5It's going to be a bad day when: Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
6Adolescence: The period when a teenager feels he will never be as dumb as his parents.
8Americans: People with more timesaving devices yet less time than anybody else in the world.
6Banker: A pawnbroker with a manicure.
8Budget: A systematic way of going in to debt.
4Coach: One who is always willing to lay down your life for his job.
9Dentist: A magician who puts metal in your mouth and pulls coins from your pocket.
4Dermatologist: One who makes rash judgments.
6Diplomacy: The art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
5Disarmament: An agreement between nations to scuttle all weapons that are obsolete.
6Efficiency Expert: The person smart enough to tell you how to run a business but too smart to start his own.
Definition Experience: The name we give our mistakes.
Definition Honeymoon: A vacation a man takes before beginning work under a new boss.
Definition Hunch: An idea you're afraid is wrong.
Definition Lame Duck: A politician whose goose is cooked.
Definition Life Insurance: A policy that keeps you poor so you can die rich.
Definition Planning: The art of putting off until tomorrow what you have no intention of doing today.
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: Nuts...my shaft is bent
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: After 18 holes I can barely walk
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: You really whacked the heck out of that sucker
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: Look at the size of his putter
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: Mind if I join your threesome?
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: Stand with your back turned and drop it
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
6It sounds dirty, but in golf, it isn't: Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
AT&T Condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M Condoms: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
Double Mint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
8Sounds dirty, but isn't in law: Have you looked through her briefs?
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in law: He is one hard judge!
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in law: Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in law: His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in law: Is it a penal offense?
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in law: Better leave the handcuffs on.
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in law: For $200 an hour, she better be good!
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in law: Can you get him to drop his suit?
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in law: The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in law: Think you can get me off?
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in an office: I need to whip it out by 5.
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in an office: Mind if I use your laptop?
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in an office: Just stick it in my box.
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in an office: If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in an office: I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in an office: HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in an office: My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in an office: It's an entry-level position.
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in an office: When do you think you'll be getting off today?
6Sounds dirty, but isn't in an office: It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
Chocolate is better than Sex - You can GET Chocolate
Chocolate is better than Sex - "If you love me you'll swallow" has real meaning with it.
Chocolate is better than Sex - Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
Chocolate is better than Sex - You can have Chocolate while you are driving.
Chocolate is better than Sex - You can make Chocolate last as long as you want it to.
Chocolate is better than Sex - You can have Chocolate in front of your mother.
Chocolate is better than Sex - If you bite the nuts too hard the Chocolate won't mind.
Chocolate is better than Sex - Two people of the same sex can have Chocolate without being called nasty names.
Chocolate is better than Sex - The word "commitment" doesn't scare off Chocolate.
Chocolate is better than Sex - You can have Chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
Chocolate is better than Sex - You can ask a stranger for Chocolate without getting you face slapped.
Chocolate is better than Sex - You don't get hairs on your mouth with Chocolate.
Chocolate is better than Sex - With Chocolate you don't have to fake it!
Chocolate is better than Sex - Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
Chocolate is better than Sex - You can have Chocolate any time of the month.
Chocolate is better than Sex - Good Chocolate is easy to find.
Chocolate is better than Sex - You can have as many kinds of Chocolate as you can handle.
Chocolate is better than Sex - You are never too young or too old for Chocolate.
Chocolate is better than Sex - When you have Chocolate it doesn't keep youre neighbors awake.
Chocolate is better than Sex - You wont get hair in your mouth.
Chocolate is better than Sex - You can bite the nuts.
Chocolate is better than Sex - With Chocolate size doesn't matter.
You're addicted to the net when: - You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act
You're addicted to the net when: - You kiss you girlfriend's home page.
You're addicted to the net when: - Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You're addicted to the net when: - Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.
You're addicted to the net when: - You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
You're addicted to the net when: - You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
You're addicted to the net when: - You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
You're addicted to the net when: - You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap....and your kid in the overhead compartment.
You're addicted to the net when: - All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3...
You're addicted to the net when: - your night dreams are in HTML.
You're addicted to the net when: - You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.
You're addicted to the net when: - You turn your modem off and get this awful epmty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one.
You're addicted to the net when: - You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You're addicted to the net when: - You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"
You're addicted to the net when: - Your heart races faster and beats irredgularly each time you see a new WWW site address printed on the TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You're addicted to the net when: - You step out of the room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have any idea when it happened.
You're addicted to the net when: - You turn on the intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if e-mail arrives.
You're addicted to the net when: - You wife drapes a blond wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
You're addicted to the net when: - All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You're addicted to the net when: - Looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted purple.
You're addicted to the net when: - Your dog has its own webpage.
You're addicted to the net when: - You've visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos. or [C]ontinue?
You're addicted to the net when: - You can't call your mother because she doesn't have a modem.
You're addicted to the net when: - You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
You're addicted to the net when: - You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated by a 17" svga monitor.
You're addicted to the net when: - You check your mail. It says "no new Messages." So you check it again.
You're addicted to the net when: - You refer to you age as 3.x.
You're addicted to the net when: - You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore
You're addicted to the net when: - Your phonebill comes to the door in a box.
You're addicted to the net when: - Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC Channel.
You're addicted to the net when: - You code your homework in HTML and give your intsructor the URL.
You're addicted to the net when: - You don't know what sex is over three of your closeset friends are, because they have nuetral nick names and you never bothered to ask.
You're addicted to the net when: - You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom
You're addicted to the net when: - You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
You're addicted to the net when: - Your husband tells you he's had the beard for two months
You're addicted to the net when: - You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games form Apogee.t, or [C]ontinue.
You're addicted to the net when: - You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
You're addicted to the net when: - You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back.
You're addicted to the net when: - You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.
You're addicted to the net when: - You tell the cab driver you live at Http://123.elm.street/hose/bluetrim/html
You're addicted to the net when: - Your virtual girlfriend finds a new sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.
You're addicted to the net when: - You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
You're addicted to the net when: - Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.
You're addicted to the net when: - You buy a Captain Kirk Chair with a built in keyboard and mouse.
You're addicted to the net when: - Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer can not come to bed"
You're addicted to the net when: - You are so familiar with the WWW that you find search engines useless.
You're addicted to the net when: - You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher."
You're addicted to the net when: - You never have to deal with the busy signal when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
You're addicted to the net when: - The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You're addicted to the net when: - You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while youre pretending to catch your breath.
You're addicted to the net when: - You ask a plumber how much it would cost you to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
You're addicted to the net when: - You forget what year it is.
You're addicted to the net when: - You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You're addicted to the net when: - You ask a doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
You're addicted to the net when: - You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind ... the perfect soundtrack to "surfing the net"
You're addicted to the net when: - You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited"
You're addicted to the net when: - You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
You're addicted to the net when: - Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
You're addicted to the net when: - As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Do you want to see something swell?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Baby, you're a sex crime waiting to happen."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "You know what would look good on you? Me."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "My name's _____. That's so you know what to scream."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Gee, I didn't know angels flew so low."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Are you ok?? 'Cause that fall from heaven looked like it hurt."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Are you tired? 'Cause you've been running through my head all day."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Do you f*ck on a first date? No? Well, see you tomorrow then."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Say, didn't we go to different schools together?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "You dont sweat much for a fat chick."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Do you know the difference between having a beer and having sex?No? Well, let's go back to my place for a beer."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call your mother and thank her."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Would be my love buffet? So I could lay you out on the table and take what I want?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Let's go back to my place and do all the things I will tell everyone we did anyway."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Someone call heaven and tell them one of their angels is loose."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Would you like to dance or should I go f*ck myself again?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "I'm not trying to pressure you, I don't want to have sex without mutual consent; and by the way, you have my consent."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f*ck? Hey! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Here, let me clean you off a place to sit." Make a big display of wiping off your mouth with your hands.
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Is it hot in here or is it just you?" Grab her butt and say, "Pardon me, is this seat taken?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "I like every muscle in your body, especially mine."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - When she asks for a match: "How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - Call and whistle "Lucky, here boy." When she asks what you are doing: "I'm trying to get Lucky. Want to help?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Hey baby, what's your sign? Mine's 'Slippery When Wet."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "I'm new in town. Could you give me the directions to your apartment?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what's one more?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Excuse me. Do you want to f*ck or should I apologize?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Do you wash your clothes with Windex? Cause I can see myself in your pants."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - When she asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "You've got the nicest set of teeth that I've ever come across."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "I think I'm falling in love with you. Now do you want to f*ck?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "The word of the day is legs, so let's go back to my place and spread the word."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Excuse me, have I f*cked you yet?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Sex is a killer...want to die happy?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Should I call you in the morning, or nudge you?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Do you have any Italian in you? No? Would you like some?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven."
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "How do you like your eggs in the morning? Fried, scrambled, or fertilized?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "I forgot your name, can I just call you mine?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "f*ck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?"
Top 50 worst pick up lines - "Nice shoes... wanna f*ck?"
What did the blonde say when asked if she wanted to be a Jehovah Witness? - Gee, I didn't even see the accident.
What do you get when you have 20 blondes in the freezer? - Frosted Flakes.
What do blondes and computers have in common? - You don't know how much you appreciate them until they go down on you.
What's a blondes favorite drink? - The next one.
Why do animals put their noses in blondes crotch? - Because they can.
What did the postcard from the blonde say? - Having a great time.  Where am I?
How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex? - She opens the car door.
What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes? - The interpreter.
How many big busted blondes does it take to change a light bulb? - As many as you can get.
What's the difference between a blonde and a puppy? -	After six months a puppy stops whining.
This blonde was so dumb - that she had to take off her blouse to count to two.
The most expensive thing in the world is a blonde - who is free for the night.
Why did GOD invent Orgasms? -	So blondes will know when you're through.
Why are women amazing? - They give milk without eating hay, bleed without being cut and bury bones without digging holes.
This blonde is so dumb - She doesn't realize that you can play the AM radio in the afternoon.
Why don't blondes take hot showers? -	It fogs up the mirrors.
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads? - So they don't hurt themselves when they talk (move head sideways).
How do you drown a blonde? - Put a mirror in the bottom of the pool.
Why did the blonde get turned down for auto insurance? - She was getting rear-ended too much.
How do blondes hold their liquor? - By their ears.
Why don't blondes play frisbee? - It hurts their teeth.
Why are blonde jokes so short? - So blondes will understand them.
What do you call an intelligent blonde? - A Golden Retriver.
What does a blonde say after you blow in her ear? - Thanks for the refill.
Why don't blondes take coffee breaks? - Because it takes them too long to retrain them.
What does a blonde say after sex? - Are all of you on the same team.
What does a blonde say after finding out she's pregnant? - Gee, I hope it's mine.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? - Gifted.
Why do blondes wear green lipstick? -	Because red means stop.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? - Because you can park in the handicapped spots.
Why do blondes wear panties? - To keep their ankles warm.
Why do blondes wear so much hairspray? - So they can catch all the things going over their head.
What is a blonde's mating call? - I'm so drunk.
What is a brunette's mating call? - Are all the blondes gone.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday? - Tell her a joke on Thursday.
Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. on their shoes? - Toes Go In First!
Why did the blonde have square boobs? - She forgot to take the kleenex out of the box.
How do you put a sparkle in a blondes eyes? -	Shine a flashlight in her ear.
What is the most used 4 letter word by a blonde? - NEXT!
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? - One, she holds it in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her
Between which two toes is a girl the most ticklish? - The two big ones!
Why did the blonde go to Hollywood? -	She wanted to make love under the stars.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is*letterhead.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You disdain people who use low baud rates.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You back up your data every day.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
You Know Your a Computer Addict When - You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone.
1 Way to annoy people :  Get to know a friends bookie and place bets for them. Insist on keeping half of any money they win.
1 Way to annoy people :  Accuse people of "glue sniffing addictions" in public.
1 Way to annoy people :  Call other people "Champ" or "Tiger.". Refer to yourself as "Coach."
1 Way to annoy people :  Drum on every available surface.
1 Way to annoy people :  Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
1 Way to annoy people :  Staple papers together in the middle of the page.
1 Way to annoy people :  Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
1 Way to annoy people :  Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
1 Way to annoy people :  Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
1 Way to annoy people :  Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
1 Way to annoy people :  Insist on giving weather forecasts in public. Claim to be AMS certified.
1 Way to annoy people :  Surprise old friend's by visiting them at 3AM "to discuss old times".
1 Way to annoy people :  Insist on buying airplane tickets for friends to "save them money." Make sure the plane departs at 5AM and the tickets are non-refundable. Point out that you didn't really save them any money.
1 Way to annoy people :  Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
1 Way to annoy people :  Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
1 Way to annoy people :  Set alarms for random times.
1 Way to annoy people :  Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
1 Way to annoy people :  Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
1 Way to annoy people :  Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
1 Way to annoy people :  Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
1 Way to annoy people :  Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
1 Way to annoy people :  Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
1 Way to annoy people :  Honk and wave to strangers.
1 Way to annoy people :  Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Safety Orange.
1 Way to annoy people :  Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
1 Way to annoy people :  Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
1 Way to annoy people :  Wear your pants backwards.
1 Way to annoy people :  Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
1 Way to annoy people :  Begin all your sentences with "Oh la la!"
1 Way to annoy people :  Rouse your roommate/spouse from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
1 Way to annoy people :  Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.
1 Way to annoy people :  ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
1 Way to annoy people :  dont use any punctuation
1 Way to annoy people :  Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
1 Way to annoy people :  Pay for your dinner with pennies.
1 Way to annoy people :  Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
1 Way to annoy people :  Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
1 Way to annoy people :  Write "X - Buried Treasure" in random spots on roadmaps.
1 Way to annoy people :  Explain to everyone you meet of your Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
1 Way to annoy people :  Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
1 Way to annoy people :  Light road flares on a birthday cake.
1 Way to annoy people :  Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
1 Way to annoy people :  Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
1 Way to annoy people :  Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
1 Way to annoy people :  Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
1 Way to annoy people :  At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
1 Way to annoy people :  When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells..." until physically restrained.
1 Way to annoy people :  Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
1 Way to annoy people :  As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
1 Way to annoy people :  Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
1 Way to annoy people :  Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
1 Way to annoy people :  Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
1 Way to annoy people :  Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
1 Way to annoy people :  Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
1 Way to annoy people :  Why walk when you can drive that half a block?
1 Way to annoy people :  Name your dog "Dog".
1 Way to annoy people :  Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
1 Way to annoy people :  Ask people what gender they are.
1 Way to annoy people :  Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
1 Way to annoy people :  Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
1 Way to annoy people :  Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
1 Way to annoy people :  Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
1 Way to annoy people :  Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
1 Way to annoy people :  Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
1 Way to annoy people :  Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
1 Way to annoy people :  Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as the Mr Rogers theme song.
1 Way to annoy people :  While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
1 Way to annoy people :  Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
1 Way to annoy people :  Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
1 Way to annoy people :  Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
1 Way to annoy people :  Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
1 Way to annoy people :  Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
1 Way to annoy people :  Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
1 Way to annoy people :  Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
1 Way to annoy people :  Wear a lot of cologne.
1 Way to annoy people :  Ask people if you may "interface" with them.
1 Way to annoy people :  Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
1 Way to annoy people :  Sing along at the opera.
1 Way to annoy people :  Mow your lawn with scissors.
1 Way to annoy people :  Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy".
1 Way to annoy people :  Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
1 Way to annoy people :  Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
1 Way to annoy people :  Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
1 Way to annoy people :  Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
1 Way to annoy people :  Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see the "magic picture".
1 Way to annoy people :  Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
1 Way to annoy people :  Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
1 Way to annoy people :  Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
1 Way to annoy people :  Never make eye contact.
1 Way to annoy people :  Never break eye contact.
1 Way to annoy people :  Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
1 Way to annoy people :  Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
1 Way to annoy people :  Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
1 Way to annoy people :  Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
1 Way to annoy people :  Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
1 Way to annoy people :  Make appointments for the 31st of September.
1 Way to annoy people :  Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
1 Way to annoy people :  When asked to do things, repeat the instructions to the body parts involved. (ie. "Hand, will you please open the door.")
1 Way to annoy people :  When people ask you to do things, mutter under your breath, "This won't be neccessary where you are going."
1 Way to annoy people :  Wait until you get to work to shave.
1 Way to annoy people : Tell small children that they don't look very promising.
6What do you call a turtle with a hard-on?	A slow poke.
Did you hear about the transvestite at the Christmas party?   He wanted to eat, drink, and be Mary.
6Seen on a church sign: "Where will you spend eternity? Smoking or Non Smoking?"
4Q. What is white and goes up?  4A. A Confused Snowflake
1 WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.
1 WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.
1 WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE Home shopping "network".
1 WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.
1 WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.
1 WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".
1 WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.
1 WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE Gameboy web browsers.
1 WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.
1 WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE Two words: "Microsoft Network"
4You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web when: Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
4You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web when: You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds.
4You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web when: You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
4You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web when: You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
4You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web when: One of your best friends is Mirsky, and you've never met him.
4You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web when: You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.
4You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web when: You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.
4You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web when: Your dog has his own webpage.
4You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web when: So does your hamster.
4You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web when: When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: "DISK FIGHT!!!"
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
9 1 Way to confuse, worry or scare people in a computer lab: Two words: Tesla Coil.
REPUBLICANS VS. DEMOCRATS HOW TO TELL 'EM APART  Democrats buy banned books.   Republicans form censorship committees and read them.
REPUBLICANS VS. DEMOCRATS HOW TO TELL 'EM APART  Democrats eat the fish they catch.   Republicans hang them on the wall.
REPUBLICANS VS. DEMOCRATS HOW TO TELL 'EM APART  Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.   Democrats put them on the bottom of the bird cage.
REPUBLICANS VS. DEMOCRATS HOW TO TELL 'EM APART  On Saturday Republicans head for the golf course, the yacht club, or the hunting lodge.   Democrats get a haircut, wash the car, or go bowling.
REPUBLICANS VS. DEMOCRATS HOW TO TELL 'EM APART  Republicans have guest rooms.   Democrats have spare rooms filled with old baby furniture.
REPUBLICANS VS. DEMOCRATS HOW TO TELL 'EM APART  Republicans hire exterminators.  Democrats step on the bugs.
REPUBLICANS VS. DEMOCRATS HOW TO TELL 'EM APART  Republicns sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.
Q: Why do political sex scandals always seem to involve Democrats?   A: Who would risk their career for a piece of elephant? 
Q: Compare a Democratic whore and a Republican whore.  A: With a Democratic whore you spend more than you thought you would. With a Republican whore you owe more than you thought you would. But either way you're royally screwed.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. 
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. 
...Every morning is the dawn of a new error... 
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. 
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. 
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... 
The beatings will continue until morale improves. 
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. 
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. 
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. 
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. 
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. 
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. 
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out. 
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! 
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. 
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. 
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. 
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you. 
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. 
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. 
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either. 
Budget: A method for going broke methodically. 
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it. 
4*???* Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. 
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department 
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! 
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. 
Access denied--nah nah na nah na
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. 
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is upposed to be doing.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: Following the rules will not get the job done.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
ONE OF DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK: The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you would rather be at your IRC birthday party than out with real people!
You know you are addicted to IRC when someone at work tells you a joke, and you say "ROTFLOL!"
You know you are addicted to IRC when you have ever had a dream about the people in your channels.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you leave the computer on just to see the mIRC logo!
You know you are addicted to IRC when you watch T.V. with closed captioning turned on.
You know you are addicted to IRC when your friend Susan tells you something sad on the phone and you say "Awwww, /me hugs Susan.
You know you are addicted to IRC when "you've called out someone else's nick while making love to your better half.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you keep begging your friends to get an internet account so "we can hang out.
You know you are addicted to IRC when "three words: carpal tunnel syndrome.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you are laughing at these jokes.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you want to meet a girl and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you once devoted a weekend to "working on your popups."
You know you are addicted to IRC when you sometimes go to #egypt "just to get away from it all."
You know you are addicted to IRC when when you join #mIRC everyone types "Norm!"
You know you are addicted to IRC when one time you used a feminine nick "just to mess with the horny net geeks."
You know you are addicted to IRC when you wait for your roommates to say "re."
You know you are addicted to IRC when the words "takeover," "nick collide," and "flood" make your heart beat faster and your hands a little shakey.
You know you are addicted to IRC when sometimes when you type commands from a unix prompt you mistakenly begin them with a "/"
You know you are addicted to IRC when you've ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you try to change your ping reply and quit message daily.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you have over 20 megs of .wav files in your mIRC directory.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's.
You know you are addicted to IRC when your child ignores your request and you wonder if she is lagged.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you send internet Christmas cards. 
You know you are addicted to IRC when you've been so anxious to get on IRC you forgot to turn your speakers on and can't figure out why you can't hear the wavs being played!
You know you are addicted to IRC when you have ever wondered if there is a #mIRC-anon.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you have a mIRC web page (or links to any mIRC pages on your page)
You know you are addicted to IRC when you think that this is not fantasy but real life and you plan your whole life around IRC chat!
You know you are addicted to IRC when you've ever logged on to dalnet.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you join #hispanola "just to work on my Spanish."
You know you are addicted to IRC when when someone on the channel asks if anyone knows some good servers, everyone else types your nick.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you join busy channels just to talk to yourself because the scrolling makes you feel better about it somehow.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you've ever typed "drinking on irc is better than drinking alone.
You know you are addicted to IRC when "your pregnant wife goes into labor and you stop to type a "special" away message.
You know you are addicted to IRC when YOU go into labor and you stop to type a "special" away message.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you have a vanity car tag with your nick on it.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you've been lagged so bad that you've switched servers so much you can see your nicks on the channel list 3 times.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you wait to go to bed until another op comes on in your channel even though you needed to go to bed 2 hours ago.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you do all of the food preperation infront of your computer
You know you are addicted to IRC when you cleaning your house is what you do to get away.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you tell your co-workers about your night of talking to all of these people but in reality you were sitting home alone.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you enjoy reading the mIRC help files.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you have a real lover and a cyber lover "on the side".
You know you are addicted to IRC when you need to back up your mIRC directory on a regular basis.
You know you are addicted to IRC when all of your friends, you met off the internet.
You know you are addicted to IRC when the ops in #funfactory know and remember your real name.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you have to scroll thru your notify list cause it is too long to see it in one screen.
You know you are addicted to IRC when you set up cyber dates.
* Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
* Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
* Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
* If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how does the TEFLON stick to the  pan?
* If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
* If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
* You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
* You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
- - I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
- - "Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes."
- - I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
- - C program run.  C program crash.  C programmer quit.
- - We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.
- - Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
- - The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.     
- - Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
- The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
- - Did anyone see my lost carrier?
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
- - Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- - Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- - "More hay, Trigger?"  "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
- - A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
- - I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
- - Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
- - Ever notice how fast Windows runs?  Neither did I.
- - Double your drive space - delete Windows!
- - What is a "free" gift ?  Aren't all gifts free?
- Assassins do it from behind.
- - If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
- - Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- Oops.  My brain just hit a bad sector.
- - I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
- - Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
- - Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
- - When there's a will, I want to be in it.
- - Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
- - "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
101 Things NOT to say during sex...But everybody looks funny naked!
101 Things NOT to say during sex...You woke me up for that?
101 Things NOT to say during sex...Did I mention the video camera?
101 Things NOT to say during sex...Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah..4 today
101 Things NOT to say during sex...Can you please pass me the remote control?
101 Things NOT to say during sex...Do you accept Visa?
101 Things NOT to say during sex...ZZZZzzZZZZzzZZZZZzzzZZZZzzZZZZZ
101 Things NOT to say during sex...On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
101 Things NOT to say during sex...And to think,I was really trying to pick up your friend!
101 Things NOT to say during sex...So much for mouth-to-mouth.
101 Things NOT to say during sex...Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
101 Things NOT to say during sex...(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
101 Things NOT to say during sex...Do you get any premium movie channels?
101 Things NOT to say during sex...(preparing to use peanut butter sexually)..I just cleaned this couch!
101 Things NOT to say during sex...Got any penicillin?
101 Things NOT to say during sex...But I just brushed my teeth...
101 Things NOT to say during sex..Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
101 Things NOT to say during sex...I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
101 Things NOT to say during sex...I want a baby!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 34. I think you have it on backwards.
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 35. When is this supposed to feel good?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 38. Is that blood on the headboard?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 39. Did I remember to take my pill?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 50. You're almost as good as my ex!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 53. You look younger than you feel.
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 60. What tampon?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 64. I have a confession...
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 72. Did you come yet, dear?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 75. Does this count as a date?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 79. Q: You can cook, too right?   A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 80. When would you like to meet my parents?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 95. Is this a sin too?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101 Things NOT to say during sex reason number 101. You mean you're NOT my blind date? 


