11,12Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
11,12I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
11,12You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
11,12All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
11,12Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
11,12I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
11,12Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
11,12If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
11,12Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
11,12No matter where you go, you're there.
11,12Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
11,12I'm not driving fast-just flying low.
11,12Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
11,12Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
11,12I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
11,12Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
11,12I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
11,12Monica BLEW it for Bill!
11,12CLINTON, Head of the ORAL office!
11,12CLINTON HAPPENS.
11,12I'm objective; I object to everything.
11,12It's bad luck to be superstitious.
11,12Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
11,12Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
11,12I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
11,12Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
11,12Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
11,12The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
11,12Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
11,12Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
11,12 I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
11,12Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
11,12The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened.
11,12Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
11,12I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
11,12Constipated people don't give a crap.
11,12Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
11,12If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
11,12Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
11,12If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
11,12Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
11,12My kid got your honor roll student pregnant
11,12Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
11,12I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.
11,12Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
11,12Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
11,12How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
11,12According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
11,12We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
11,12 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
11,12Gravity always gets me down.
11,12Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
11,12Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
11,12Life is too complicated in the morning.
11,12I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
11,12BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
11,12Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
11,12Don't steal. The government hates competition.
11,12Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
11,12Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal.
11,12Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
11,12Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
11,12 I can only please one person a day, and today ain't your day... (tomorrow ain't looking good either).
11,12If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
11,12If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
11,12A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
11,12My student beat up your honor roll student
11,12Don't squat with your spurs on!
11,12Don't follow me, I'm Duckin Fyslexic
11,12Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
11,12Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
11,12I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
11,12Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
11,12I hate everybody, and you're next.
11,12Please don't make me kill you.
11,12And your point is...
11,12I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
11,12I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
11,12Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
11,12Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
11,12Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
11,12Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
11,12I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
11,12Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
11,12You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
11,12You KNOW you want me.
11,12Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
11,12All stressed out and no one to choke.
11,12You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
11,12I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
11,12Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
11,12If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
11,12Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear
11,12If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk.
11,12Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
11,12Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
11,12Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
11,12Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
11,12National Atheist's Day April 1
11,12If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
11,12Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
11,12I'm back by popular demand.
11,12Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
11,12He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11,12According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
11,12Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11,12Forget about world peace... visualize using your turn signal.
11,12Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
11,12Nuke the Whales.
11,12When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
11,12WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
11,12Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
11,12ESCHEW OBFUSCATION. (means avoid confusion/overcomplication)
11,12I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11,12I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
11,12Your pants are a mirror, cause I can see myself in em.