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   5.06.05    YOUR SWEATER CAN'T SAVE YOU NOW!!!!! AAAHHHHHH!!!

I never finished my last entry. I was going to make an extremely detailed tour through Dante Alighieri's hell in the form of shitty drawings brought to you by ms paint and photoshop. I was going to tell you about the afterlife and how its whatever you want it to be and how Einstein proved the existence of afterlife although there may not be a God or not and how my perfect afterlife would have a heaven and hell but they are really more like theme parks set up in a fashion similar to that of Disneyland and California Disney...only better. Well, I have new stuff to talk about. If you're lucky, I'll go into that last bit at the end of this...or in the middle. who knows?

So today I was wondering, "Wow! Why the hell do I feel so good today?" It was soon after that I realized my wellness was attributable to the fact that I forgot to take my happy pills. Every day this week, as well as last week, I felt really shitty around noon time. The shit included dizziness, disorientation, fever, sore throat, dry mouth (shutup. I'm not a whore), loss of appetite, fatigue, and noxiousness...Although I felt great, I took it anyway. Literally seconds after I swallowed the damn thing, I felt as if I were going to pass out and vomit at the same time so I stumbled to my room and collapsed on my bed. Although I felt really tired, I couldn't fall asleep so I got up. I'm glad I'm not skinny becasue I've lost ten pounds since taking that thing...No one can really tell because my clothes are always baggy despite my fat factor. (Poll: Should the fat factor be a scale from 1 to 10 --1 being Mary Kate Olsen and 10 being Sally Struthers -- or just another term for your weight?). Now I originally suspected that my sickness was a product of my poor health. My average diet for a day is some Kix cereal (straight outta tha box), a 16 oz. can of an energy drink (today's was Monster Assault), and a 20 oz. bottle of diet coke with lime. I almost ate a tampon. Well, obviously that's a shitty diet. However, today I felt GREAT. grrreat. like a tiger that walks like a human. and has human facial characteristcs. and opposable thumbs. and wears a blue bandana that says "Tony" on it. Is tony the tiger Italian? He sure doesn't sound like it. Tony is a guido name. Where are his gold chains and greasy hair? Someone better send that thing to New Joizey before it tries to deny its heritage any further. So the state of my health really has nothing to do with my diet. POO. POO. What does poo taste like? Does anyone know? Ask your cumguzzling fudgepacking friend because he probably sucks it after he takes it.

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   4.07.05        DE FIDE

'ello again. I just felt like posting again because I'm pretty sure you thought I died again. Well, much to your dismay, I'm still "alive and well" although Terri Schiavo and the Pope are not. Last week I talked to Mrs. R and I was enrolled in independent study. By the looksof things, I can finish all of my high school requirements by the end of the year. I'm still in concert band and jazz ensemble, and I will make frequent visits to my Media Arts class. I might hang around during lunch or go to Ecology club once in a while, but you probably won't be seeing me very often. I went to the psychiatrist on Monday and she prescribed me wellbutrin. Its supposed to make you happy but it might give you seizures or an eating disorder or make you crazy or an insomniac. Anyway, I have a cool story for you all this week, so on with the show...

Well, I wanted to say something about God, but there's so much to say that I really can't think of where to start. I guess thats what The Bible is for. Okay, here goes it. Throughout my life, I never believed in any kind of god. I was never forced into a religion and evolution has always been a truth for me as it is something in progress. Something with prevalent evidence. Something I can see. As I have a hard time believing in something I cannot see or feel, God is basically a distant myth. Even the stories of The Bible are myths. Take the flood for instance. The sheer dimensions of Noah's Ark are unreal. Do you have any idea how big that boat needs to be? Where did Noah put all the shit? How the fuck did Noah feed the animals? How are natural predators and prey coexisting happily? It doesn't make sense. Then again, neither does the fact that Justin Timberlake can so easily replace Ronald McDonald and be paid millions of dollars by shrieking a nonsensical three word phrase in order to support an inhumane corporation that markets carcinogenic foods by exploiting the demographic clich�. My realization that many truths don't make sense led me to believe that anything that defies all logic is for realzies and The Bible is a nonsense omnibus of historical stature. I've always believed in Jesus, he was a person. Jesus was also an alcoholic. You know its time to call Al-Anon when your blood alcohol level is so high that your blood actually qualifies as wine. Jesus was also white, although he is form the Middle East. Lots of people say Jesus was really black, but I have proof that he was white. You know how Catholics have to eat those crackers because Jesus had some bread and was all like, "eat me!"? Well, Jesus was really saying "I'm a cracker." Thus, Jesus was white. Recognizing these truths is a good first step for me, but I can't seem to shake my belief that the Virgin Mary isn't a fucking virgin. She whored out her bloody, festering hatchet wound and got knocked up just like the rest of us.

Many people believe that religion was created to explain the inexplicable. Science has failed our world. It is so much easier to believe that there is someone out there who is truly looking out for us. Someone who is omnipotent, omniscient, omni-benevolent, impassable, infinitely just, infinitely merciful, eternal, knowable by nature, omni-present, absolutely perfect, and absolutely immutable. Many contradictions arise in the study of God's almighty being. For instance, if God is all good and creates all good, then how is there evil in the world? Well, God made rebellious angels and he made Satan, but it was Satan's own will to create evil. This is why all the evils in the world like murder, treachery, and the allowed desecration of nearly every tagbook on Bolt via assimilated plastic personalities take place. So as a punishment for Satan's diobedience, Hell was created for all the fallen angels (aka all the rebels -who happen to be angels- who don't take shit from the man). But if God is omniscient, he knew that Adam was going to sin and shit and Hell would eventually accomodate our souls and blah blah blah. So why did he create us if he knew we would just live our lives wanting to die and then suffer in the afterlife as well? If you've ever played the Sims, the answer is simple. You know how fun it is to hear the screams of the sim children as they burn in that house you made that coincidentily has no exits, has at least one fireplace on each wall and is filled with hay bale seats and end tables? Now look at the world around you: its a big fucking joke. God (if He is the classic, Catholic God) is a comic genious. I'm going to marry God. The more I think about God, the more I love him...I mean Him. He has all the endearing qualities of a perfect husband, like the ability to shoot lasers out of his eyes and mad dance moves like the Roger Rabbit. If you see Lucy Bostick, tell that trollop to shut her god-fearing, bible-thumping mouth of hers before for she can even begin to deny me. God is omnipotent. Therefore, disregarding any conservative views on God, he can do everything, including the Roger Rabbit and shooting lasers out of his eyes. Plus she's just jealous because I get to marry God. So what makes me think that he will love me in return? JAJA, you ignorant fool! God is omni-benevolent. He must love me. You've probably noticed that I've stopped capitalizing the 'h' when I say "he" and am referring to God. Thats because essentially all women wear the pants in a boyfriends ans girlfreinds (no lesbians) relationship regardless of the level of a man's Alabamamansculinity. Basically, God is going to be whipped. So, in my best interest, a few changes need to be made...

1. Although he looks really cool in that "classic Catholic God" picture, the beard is gonna have to go. I don't like facial hair.

2. His eyebrows must never be allowed to look like that master guy's eyebrows in Kill Bill 2. They must always maintain a youthful and attractive shape.

3. God will look like Sebastian Bach. No not the fucking composer, you idiot. The guy from Skid Row. When he was younger...Rockstars get scary when they get old. Case in point: Robert Smith.

4. I wil become the King Ruler of everything.

5. Your mom.


As the King Ruler of everything, I will have absolute power over the entire universe. They say power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, but they say that only because they have no power. I would play the world like a play the sims so anyone alive will probably want to die. Its so easy to commit crimes against humanity when you don't have an affectionate attachment to anything or anyone. If I ever have mercy on any of you and let you die, you won't be coming to heaven. You will go to hell because you were afraid of me (Luke 12:5). Okay, that excerpt actually just says to fear God 'cause he has the power to send you to hell. Since God is my husband, he'll let me do anything I want, so I really decide who goes to hell and who goes to purgatory. I think Dante (Alighieri)'s hell has romantic (as in the Age of Romanticism) qualities to it, so you are all going to go to hell. This is what Dante's hell looks like:

aw, vaffanculo

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   3.15.05       an update for the loyal fans (I'm still debating whether you exist or not)

'ello. In case you didn't find out already, I changes my email to [email protected]. Give me yours, I'll say hi and probably send you a gmail invite. Its better over here. You're probably also wondering if I'm still alive. If you thought I died, sorry to keep your hopes up, but last time I checked, I had a pulse. Sorry. So this is what has been updated: I changeed the photo page 'cause I realized how ugly it looked. Unfortunately I can't figure out how to make these dumb buttons to work, so just click the back button when you go there and realize that my site's not really worth your time. I also did a total reworking of the me page. I put a cd list because I want to show you how much cooler I am than you. Some cds on there I don't really have because I lost them. Actually only one. Thats Answer That and Stay Fashionable. If you have an extra copy (which you don't; you don't even have one for yourself), send it along. I gave carly my extra copy of The Fury of the Aquabats, so be nice. Would you look at those boots? Today I went to Tower records to get another one, but they didn't have it so I bought that From. cd. I was suprised they had it. This is why we should all shop at Tower Records instead of Best Buy. Last week I bought Frances the Mute for 8.99. The original listing price was 17.99. What the fuck and a half! thats good.

I suppose you want me to type a slightly entertaining, sadly true, funny story. Um. Last week I didn't want to go to soccer practice or Orchestra so I just drove around in my mother's minivan for ...how many hours? I was gone from 4:30 to 9:00. Thats...four and a half hours? Shit, I'm crazy. Anyway, I was looking for Best Buy, but I forgot where it was. I forgot where both were, and I wound up somewhere in East LA. It was probably Compton. So, naturally, I turned around. There was lots of traffic, and as I was listening to The Misfits' Earth AD, I saw this big blue van with dirt all over the back windows and in that durt, scrawled "The Misfits." So I drove up next to them at a red light and the passengers in the car looked at me. They also had "The Doors," "The Cure," and "afi" on there...and they were mexican, well they were at least brown. They coulda been Guatemalan or something, but I'ma gonna assimilate toward the general population of California and assume that they were Mexican. Assimilate toward the WASP. After and hour and a half, I still couldn't find a Best Buy, but I stumbled, rather drove, upon Tower Records. I thought, what the hell, maybe its better. I found that it was. Then I got in that red box on wheels and drove on 'till mourning. jajaja. no, I went home, but my dad wasn't home yet so I kept driving. If he came home and saw the van, he would know that I didn't go to practice or orchestra. I decided to drive along the strand toward Venice Beach. I think the speed I reached was 80 mph, or somewhere around there. Dog, I just wanna shoot everyone that drives rthe speed limit. And at that time of night, they were a bunch of rich people in their 90,000 dolla sports cars. For christ's sake, if your car is able to go 220 mph, why shouldn't it? Here I am in mom's minivan weaving in an out traffic. They should cry that a minivan is passing them. Minivans don't pass anyone. They are known to hold up traffic. Minivan drivers (soccer moms and unfortunate men who have been deceived by the female of the species and imprisoned to their ball and chain) stop at a light when it turns yellow, slow down to a complete stop when turning right, stop at stop signs when no one is at the intersection and the fuzz is nowhere to be found, are blind to people's turn signals and cut people off, drive in the left lane at the same speed as the person in the right lane, obey universal traffic laws, avoid hitting idiots who think they can make it across the street in time but they can't because Ipush that red box on wheels to the limits. Then maybe it will die and my mother will have a normal car...like a hearse on monster truck wheels. Anyway, the point is, had I a car the fast, I 'd sit at the stop light revving me engine till me wheels start to smoke and when the light turns green, I'd break every minivan dirver's spirit by going 0 to 60 in 1.5 seconds fire shooting out of the exhaust pipe the only trace of me being the pungent smell of gasoline and burnt rubber hanging in the air, muthafucka. Too bad my first car will probably be a jalopy. Thats okay, jalopy is a cool word. I did see one person who new how to use a car the fast. I wanted to tell her that I applaud her knowing how to use an expensive car, but the fuzz showed up and I had to keep it on the down low. I actually wound up past Venice Beach. That was suprising. So the car was getting low on gas so I decided to turn around. I tried to get back home, but I wound up in Culver City. I was getting kind of scared because I had no idea where the fuck I was going and everyone was driving shitty in their shitty SUVs (you know that "esuvee" commercial? I hate it 'cause thats how they really are) and I was basically running on fumes and I refused to use any of my money to fill up that gas guzzler of mother's. Actually, I coulda just put three dollars of gas in it and I'd feel less nervous, but I thought it would be funnier if my mother tried to use it the next morning and couldn't even make it to the gas station before it died on her. Unfortunately that didn't happen.

I eventually found my way home and went to bed and then didn't go to school next morning. I haven't been to school in six days. I don't think I want to go anymore. I think I just want to take classes at El Camino. I like it better there. Maybe I could do independent study and only show up for band and that media arts class and then take classes at El Co so I'm not rotting out my brain. That would be so awesome. My history class was cancelled for today. I actually like it. The guy who teaches it is kind of funny...in a sardonic way. Hopefully I'll be able to make friends with people older than me and I won't slip into isolation. I think that would be bad. My parents want to put me on medication for depression or something but I don't want to because I'll probably get fatter than I already am. Maybe I'll just sell the drugs to people at school. That way I won't have to worry about becoming the fattest one in my family and I'll make bank while doing it. Vegan people shouldn't be the fattest ones in their family. I fell fatter than I did since I veganized and yet I'm fifteen pounds lighter. Its probably actually just muscle weight that I lost because I didn't do anything physical save walking since october of last year. Actually, come to think of it, there was a time inbetween when I could feel my quads atrophying as I walked. Being weak is a weird feeling. I'm still stronger than my mother though. I don't like her very much. I think she's bipolar. In the morning she's alway syelling and telling me that I'm basically going to lose at life because I've dropped my AP classes. Then, because I have no will to get in the car with her or go to school, I stay home.Upon her return, she walks around smiling and huimming non-existent songs. And she actually cares about my dispostion. If it doesn't happen that way, then its the other way around. She worris about me in the morning and then comes home storming in the door yelling and screaming and she flings my door open telling me to get the fuck outta bed and she steal my sheets and opens the blinds because dark rooms make people depressed even thoguh I feel jsut fine in there. I remember telling her that my dark room makes me happy and she snapped at me saying "NO! LOOK ON THE INTERNET! THERE'S STUDIES THAT SHOW IT!" Well, mother, I'm not a study. I need to get my ass over to Home Depot to see how much wood runs these days. I'ma gonna board up my door. No more talking about it. I'm actually going to do it now.

And I won't be going to Coachella. I don't really want to go anyway. Nevertheless, this year is going to be a good year in music.

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   1.31.05       "WE WILL WE WILL  RAPE  YOU!"

Who is so mugging a defenseless crack baby for Coachella tickets?

LINEUP

Piece of Shit. Why are both days so incredibly awesome? Its in Indio, CA (roughly 2.5 hours form here) and tickets for single day= $81 both days= $152. Goddamn I'll kille for those. I really want to go both days but its kind expensive. I at least MUST go day1 because bauhaus is playing (first show together since 1998). And then day2 has nin. Maybe I can make my mother buy thems. Does anyone wanna go? Why the eff did britney spears get #1 on fuse's f/list best cover songs for My Perogative?

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   1.17.05   

Why didn't I go to school today? I can't answer that fucking question. I don't know why I didn't go. I just didn't go. Does anyone else understand this? no. of course not. All I have to do is go to school and I can pass my classes, but I would give anything to start this year over again. Just because I lapsed a bit, my entire high school reputation is down the drain and I won't be going anywhere but elco. Elco isn't bad, but I can do better. I could get into ivy league schools. Before, I had no idea what my future would be, but now its nowhere. My own fucking mother has told me that I'll just end up with a loser job and a loser life because of my inclinations. Bitch. I hope she dies. It seems as though my sister and I are the only ones who truly know her. In the word(s) of Holden Caufield, she a "phony." Everything she does pisses me off. Her stupid porcelain bunny-rabbit figures. Her incompetence in anything but teaching chemistry to idiot 15-17 year-olds and cooking lasagna. Lasagna is gross. it tastes like blood and death. Her alcoholism. her hypocrisy. She thinks we live in a fucking shithole. she thinks we're fucking poor. okay. we live in a two story house and in west torrance no less (so. redondo is more expensive to live in, but west torrance is more pretentious). my parents make a combined +100,000 a year. we all have our own computers (except she doesn't know how to use hers) with DSL. We have cable with 1000-something channels. I'm not trying to brag here, becasue I could care less if we didn't have any of that. my point is: we're not poor. I have an idea of how we can save money: stop buying ugly music boxes and stupid rabbit knick-knacks. I still don't know why didn't go to school today. I actually wanted to go today.

where is my sister? I hope she didn't get killed. she just walked to the cigarette store two hours ago and hasn't come back. its only down the street. Two days ago she took a bunch of random things out of a drawer in the kitchen and put them in her pocket. when she woke up, she idn't rememebr doing that. yesterday she was driving and wasn't doing much of a good job. when we aproached a stop sign, she stopped in the middle of the intersection. when she stopped at a traffic light, she stopped with the back half of her car in the crosswalk and the front half in the intersection. I had to drive the rest of the time becasue I didn't want to die. reminds me of a joke that went somewhere alongthe lines of "When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." and then she randomly fell asleep and didn't rememeber that either. woah the phone isa ringin. no one, i thinks its the pills. why don't they just give me goddamn pills so I will at least think there is something actually wrong with me and I'll go to school wihtout thinking about it instead of staying home without thinking about it? actually, I'll probably just sell the drugs to people at school so I can get me some pocket change. what color should I dye my hair next? ima dying it green for saint patty's day.

mommy dearest has gone a walkin' and when she comes back she wants my computer. Maybe she'll forget. Until then...

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   1.17.05        1.15.04 contd...

What was I a talking aboot? oh yeah. stupid parents. they're so inconvienient. yesterday my mother kept waking me up. Just because I don'ta have-a lock on my door she thinks its okay to swing the door open and yell at me. jesus cristo. its only 1 pm. Well, now that I gots ma computer back, I better hurry on over to Home Depot before they takes it back agayin. Then I can buy some wood to board up my door. so parents can't come in.

goddamnit I'm such a procrastinator.

On a tuesday afternoon my mom came into my room and said get the fuck up outta bed and get a goddamn job so I told her hey hey fuck you mom and I threw the fun at her head but I missed and hit her in the snatch so I slammed the door in her face Don't ever darge in my room! or I'll kick your ass and call the cops and tell them I'm abused and you'll wind up in jail while I snowboard in vail no one to post your bail cuz daddy loves me more he says that you're a...you're worthless you're lazy you're stupid a little overweight now give me 20 bucks. mommy you're so worthless you're lazy you're stupid a little overweight now give me 20 bucks no make it 50 bucks Now mom writes me letters I write return to sender let her rot there in her cell I watch the dogs mate on her bed sorry mom I had to pawn the china, silver, and all your jewelry I had to eat and rent a bunch of prostitutes like you you're lazy you're stupid a little overweight now give me 20 bucks. mommy you're so worthless you're lazy you're stupid a little overweight now give me 20 bucks no make it 50 bucks no make it 60 bucks make it 75 why don't you just give me your whole goddamn purse I hope you're having fun rotting in jail ,maybe I'll come visit you...nah enjoy your stretch in jail guttermouth lipstick

Sleep I want to stay in bed all throughout the day no one bother me I don't wanna open my eyes I'll lie here in my room I have no need to see No one wake me I just want to stay in bed No one move me I just want to lie right here right in my warm bed 'cause I don't want to see tomorrow Here I am so happy so just leave me be I just want to stay I do not bother you so don't you touch me get the fuck away! No one wake me I just want to stay in bed No one move me I just want to lie right here right in my warm bed 'cause I don't want to see tomorrow No one wake me I just want to stay in bed No one move me I just want to lie right here right in my warm bed 'cause I don't want to see tomorrow No one wake me I just want to stay in bed No one move me I just want to lie right here right in my warm bed 'cause I don't want to see tomorrow afi ny-quil

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   1.15.05   

Yay. its 7 AM and I've been awake for over 27 hours! Should I go to bed or just wait until the next night rolls around? I was working on this stupid website that no one reads since 2:30 am. I have to do some stupid soccer thing at 2:30 pm. Why? It c ompletely ruins my day, not that I was planning to do much else today. My fazja woke up about an hour ago and asked if the reason I was up so early was because I was going to both shifts (the morning and afternoon) ja. thats a joke. Like I would ever do more than I have to. I would rather have the morning shift becasue then I don't have to help do clean-up. Taking things out is much easier than puting them away. So my parents, whom I determined are the biggest inconvience in my life, both woke up at their normal hour-some insane number like 6 and a half- and immediately noticed that I was awake. Ay, cabron.

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