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Selected jokes
(Masters of jokes: Drs. Leo Lugtu
and Elmo Isip)
Natural calamity
Well, it seems that these three fellows, FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad by the NPAs. As the final hour approaches, each one of them is trying to think of a way to escape this inevitable doom.
The time comes for the execution and FVR is brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is being tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape by diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and then running away. The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: “10, 9,8,.....”.Just before the officer reaches “1”, FVR shouts, “FLOOD!” Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of water.
In all of this confusion, the FVR manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, FVR has made his way deep into the woods.
Cory is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing FVR’s success, she decides to attempt a similar escape. She knows, though, that her executioners will not fall for the ‘flood’ trick again. Instead, she decides to use another natural disaster.
The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: “10, 9, 8,......”. Just before the officer reaches “1”, Cory shouts, “TORNADO !” Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turnaround searching for the onrush of wind.
In all of the confusion, the Cory manages to take off her blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, Cory has made her way deep into the woods.
Erap is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing his predecessor’s successes, Erap decides to attempt a similar escape. He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the “flood” or the “hurricane” tricks again.
Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster. The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: “10, 9, 8,.......”
Just before the officer reaches
“1”, Erap shouts, “FIRE !”
Erap's love codes
Erap, in his courting days, was
a terror among ladies as history confirms. He was fond of writing
coded love messages through catch words such as:
ITALY = as
in I TRULY ADORE AND LOVE YOU
SASAYA = as
in STAY AS SWEET AS YOU ARE
To outdo these, he wrote his girlfriend
working in the Middle East and it started with:
ABC = as in
ALWAYS BE CAREFUL
DEF = as in
DON’T EVER FORGET
GHI = as in
GO HOME IMMEDIATELY
and then he
proceeded with
JKLM = as
in JUST KEEP LOVING ME
then went
on
NOPQRSTUVW
(!) = as in NO ONE PERFECTLY QUITE ROMANTIC SHOULD TREAT U VERY WELL (Whew!)
then XYZ...hmmm.
He paused
and thought very hard after this far. Then, he snapped his finger, and
then wrote: XEE YOU ZOON!
Comeback for women
Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace
before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t
go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will
be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours,
and I’ll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a
living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs
in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services
today.
Man: I would go to the end of
the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked,
I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d
probably die laughing.
Nuns go back to earth
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
He says “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and to be anyone you want.”
The first nun says, “I want to be-a Sophia Loren” and poof! she’s gone. The second nun says, “I want to be Madonna” and poof! she’s gone.
The third nun says, “I want to be-a Sara Pipalini.” St. Peters looks perplexed. Who? “Sara Pipalin,” replies the nun. St. Peters shakes his head and says “I’m sorry but that name doesn’t ring a bell.” Then the nun takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says
“No Sister, this says Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!”*