Selected jokes
(Masters of jokes: Drs. Leo Lugtu and Elmo Isip)
 

Erap: (crying) Doc called, Mom’s dead.
Zamora: Condolence, sir.
(After two minutes Erap cries even louder)
Zamora: What now?
Erap: My sister just called, her mom died too.

FVR: Sorry I’m late! Brownout! Na-stuck ako for four hours sa elevator!
Erap: Okay lang yun! Ako three hours sa escalator.

Reporter: Sir, when you were in Ateneo, what have you learned about liturgy?
Erap: Aba hindi lang liturgy! Pati litur H, I, J, and the whole alphabet including numbers.

Genie: Your wish is my command master!
Erap: Talaga! Sige, gusto kong tumalino!
Genie: Master, pakibukas ng bote.
Erap: Iinumin ko ba ang laman?
Genie: Hindi, papasok ulit ako!

Erap to criminals:
Wag nyo akong subukan!
Erap to politicians:
Wag nyo akong subukan!
Erap to Monica Lewinski:
Ako naman subukan mo!

Erap:  Nakakahiya!
Jinggoy: Bakit Dad?
Erap:  Sabi sa invitation black tie only, pagdating ko dun, may suot din pala silang polo at pantalon!

Erap: (singing) “Mile away...you’re so many mile away from me.”
Loi:  Hon, lagyan mo ng letter “s”!
Erap:  Smile away, you’re so many smile away from me . . .”

Erap’s wisdom:
1) if the cat is away, the mouse is alone
2) if others can, don’t help
3) don’t talk to strangers if your mouth is full
4) don’t count the eggs if they are not yours
 
 

Court Scene
1st Lawyer: You’re a fool!
2nd Lawyer: You’re a damn fool!
Judge: As the lawyers have now properly identified each other, can we now proceed with the case?

Mental patient
Doctor: We are going to release you for saving your friend from drowning. The only thing is he hung himself in the toilet.
Patient: He didn’t hang himself, I left him there to dry.

Stages of marriage
Year 1 - Man goes home, wife gets slippers and the dog barks.
Year 2 - Man goes home, the wife barks and the dog gets the slippers.
 
 

One day in the Garden of Eden...

Eve: Adam, do you really love me?
Adam: No, not really.
Eve: What?! Then why did you make love to me?
Adam: Hello?!? As if I had a choice!
 

Oh, men

Men are like department stores...their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations...they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers...hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers...load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars...sweet, smooth, and they usually head right to your hips.
Men are like coffee...the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men (doctors included) are like horoscopes...they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like cement...after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like laxatives...they irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like parking spots...the good ones are already taken and what’s left is handicapped.
A man is like a snowstorm...you never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long he will last.
What should you give a man who has everything?  A woman to show him how to work it.
How does a man show he’s planning for the future?  He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?  The same urge that make dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?  They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?  After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?  Breasts don’t have eyes.
What’s the difference between men and government bonds?  Bonds mature.
Why are men like tile floors?  If you lay ‘em properly the first time you can walk all over ‘em for years.
Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?  Because those men already have boyfriends.

Oh, men.
 
 
 
 

Computer doctor

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”  His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks...

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if thiscomputer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis:  Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ...twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.*
 

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