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11.30.01
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? I'm having chicken noodle soup for lunch. And a grilled cheese sandwich (provolone, sourdough bread). And some orange juice and assorted Sucrets. Why is it called "the common cold"? Are there uncommon colds? Ogden Nash thought so:
A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairly coolish,
And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!
America endures approximately one billion colds per year. The average kid gets seven, and the average grownup gets three. One folk remedy for colds suggests mixing ten or twelve drops of turpentine with a tablespoonful of lard and rubbing it on the chest. (Avoid open flame or hungry animals, I think.)
Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.
Bob is going out of town this weekend, and I plan to spend the weekend in my pajamas, drinking hot tea and watching a video marathon of Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea, followed by a marathon of Pride and Prejudice and perhaps topped off by a bunch of decorating shows. Ahh, the girly-girl weekend. And to have an actual, legitimate EXCUSE to do absolutely nothing . . . why, it's PERFECT!
Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honored system humbly holds
The Super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
The F�hrer of the Streptococcracy.
In closing, I'd like to point out that ferrets can catch colds from human beings. So if you have one, don't sneeze on him.
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