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11.16.01
I am angry. I can't quite put my finger on the source. At the terrorists, certainly. At the airlines, for putting profit above passenger comfort and maybe even safety for so many years. At an acquaintance who is acting like a jerk, according to my rigid standards of human behavior. And mostly at myself, for feeling trapped in the gloom of Autumn 2001, when there are actually many opportunities for joy.
My father emailed a photo today of my nephew, who has discovered his toes.
Last night I pulled up to the house and got out of the car, and Sally the Cat was perched precariously on the arm of the sofa, looking out the front window. When she saw me coming up the walk, her face got perceptibly excited, and she and the dogs greeted me at the door in an excited bundle of fur.
We had pizza for dinner, there were good shows on t.v., the house was relatively clean, we're going to Yakima to be with loved ones over Thanksgiving, we have a fun party to attend this weekend, everyone is healthy, we're employed, we have money, God's in His heaven and all's right with the world, my husband loves me, my family is unbelievably wonderful, and so WHY don't I feel better?
It's as if the joy is there and I can't access it. If I drew a cartoon of myself, there would be bubbles of anger popping in a simmer just under my skin. And a scribbled black cloud above my head.
I've typed out a good old Thanksgiving hymn and stuck it near my computer, to think about today. I can't directly control my feelings, but maybe by making a conscious decision to be grateful for the many blessings in my life, the good feelings will follow. I'll get back to you on how this goes.
We gather together to ask the Lord's blessing
He chastens and hastens his will to make known
The wicked oppressing now cease from distressing
Sing praises to his Name, he forgets not his own.
Beside us to guide us, our God with us joining
Ordaining, maintaining his kingdom divine
So from the beginning the fight we were winning
Thou, Lord, wast at our side: all glory be thine!
We all do extol thee, thou leader triumphant
And pray that thou still our defender wilt be
Let thy congregation escape tribulation
Thy Name be ever praised! O Lord, make us free!
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