|
1.08.02
"Have you been on Pirates of the Caribbean since it was PCed?" writes my friend Henry. "Oh no!" I panic. "Oh no! Is it called Young Entrepreneurial Franco-Hispanic Marines of the Colonized
and Oppressed Original Americas now?"
Henry: "Good one, Suzie. Might as well be.
Remember the section where the pirates are chasing the village women around? (I try to imagine the sort of woman who is so desperately unhappy or threatened as a female or whatever that she would sue Disneyland for
depicting pirates chasing women.) The fat pirate who was looking for the
girl hiding in the barrel behind him apparently needed modernization.
First, instead of looking for the shy wench upon which he would hoist his
colors, they had him looking for his fish dinner that was stolen by a cat.
The cat was in the barrel (previously occupied by the girl) with a fish
skeleton in it's mouth. I mean really. Do you know of anyone who, after
having been at sea for months on end, would crave a fish dinner? They
changed it recently to a chicken dinner, but I still find it ridiculous.
Also, the end of that section had pirates chasing attractive damsels in
circles, then the very last one was a truly tubby girl chasing a pirate.
Now the pirates are chasing women carrying plates of food, and the last gag
is the fat girl chasing a pirate who is carrying food. I'm waiting for the
Corpulent Sister League or whoever to make them change that as well.
Eventually, the very word 'pirate' will become utterly un-PC, and they'll
have to close the whole ride."
Suzie: Well then, have they done something about the pirates' excessive rum drinking?
Henry: "They're still drinking like fish, hurling insults, shooting at townsfolk and
each other with all manner of weaponry, drowning the mayor, auctioning women
off and other good clean pirate fun."
Thank you, Henry, for bringing this travesty to my attention. Disney is NOT supposed to tamper with the nostalgic framework of my childhood. The whole POINT of pirates is that they're bad. That's why they're PIRATES. Didn't they listen to their own pirate song?
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We pillage, we plunder, we rifle the loot.
Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot.
Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We extort, and pilfer, we filch and sack.
Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
Maraud and embezzle and even hijack.
Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
We kindle and char and inflame and ignite.
Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
We burn up the city, we're really a fright.
Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
We're rascals and scoundrels, we're villains and knaves.
Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
We're devils and black sheep, we're really bad eggs.
Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We're beggars and blighters, ne'er-do-well cads.
Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
Aye but we're loved by our mommies and dads.
Drink Up me hearties, yo ho.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
|
