| The many sides of Mahala |
There are so many parts to me that most don't see. They see what they want to see. What they choose to see. You read my poetry and you form an opinion, find me in certain type clubs, or a certain type site and you judge me by just that. You know me in person, but you only see one side of me. Or just the sides I allow you to see. Yet, you think you know me? I'm Mahala. I'm no more, and no less. I feel too much. I hurt too deeply. I care more than I should. I trust too freely. I believe wholeheartedly. Parts of me are so pure and innocent. I long for goodness. I hunger for truth. I look for the best in everyone. I so desperatly want to believe in that innocence, I often fool myself into over looking the obvious. When I hurt, my soul bleeds. When I cry, it's from the depths of my being. And for those I know. If we've connected, when you ache I ache with you. I feel your pain as real as I feel my own. They call this a gift. I wonder.......? Others see me as a depressed individual. Is this how you see me now? Because you've read two paragraphs about me, you know me now huh? If this is so, then please know you could not be more wrong. I am actually in love with life. I love to laugh and smile and have fun and giggle and be playful. Do you know me? Have you seen that wonderful twinkle I get in my eyes as I burst out laughing as some crazy thought runs through my mind? Have you been part of one of my zany outburts of an ice fight in the middle of Denny's at 2AM? When was the last time some one asked you what you'd like to do, or you asked some one else, and the response was "Let's go to Crenshaw (a park) and terrorize the ducks!"? *Laughs* Maybe you see me as wildly perverted and sexually depraved? Do you think I'm a slut? Do you think because I am so open minded, and into so many things that means I'll just jump into bed with everyone? If so, I take great pride in saying this could not be more untrue! In all things in life, my heart comes first. Yes, I love sex! Yes, I am very open about it! Yes, I'll do just about anything that crosses my mind and not think twice about it. Does this mean I'll do it with just anyone? Of course not! I am 100% monogomous. When I love some one, they are in for one hell of a wild ride with me. But, if you dont capture my heart, you shall never conquer my body. Okay, now maybe you see me as insane? Crazed? Whatever you choose to think is fine with me. If you cant tell by now, my whole attitude is live and let live. Be you! Be true to who and what you are. Now, do you think you know me? I've barely scratched the surface here. Do you know if you lie to my face, I'll know it before you even finish your sentance? Ahhhh, another of these wonderful "gifts" I have of "knowing". How I long to be normal and be able to live in the beautiful oblivion of the unknown some times. There are some things it's just better to not know. Do you know that when I love someone, it's with every fiber of my being? Do you know how intelligent I really am, when I hide so well behind my silly blonde jokes? Do you know know how I sit and look at my children when they are sleeping and wonder if I even come close to being anything like the kind of mom they deserve? Painfully aware I'm not even close to being good enough for them. Do you know how often I can be laughing hysterically, and then just burst into tears? Because I know how fleeting the happy moments are, and that all too soon the pain will return and I already begin to mourn the loss of the joy before it's even gone. Do you know how proud I am of my life as miserable as it may seem to some? Do you know I actually fear very little? Yet one tiny four letter word scares the hell out of me... LOVE. Do you have a clue about the pain I've known in my life? I dont know yours, and I wont even pretend to. But I do know that if you need me, I'll always be there for you. Loyalty is everything to me. Do you know that music rules a major part of my life? Do you know if you're observant, you can tell what mood I am in and what I'm thinking by the music I am playing, or humming, or singing? I use music to express myself so often. I also love uncommon words that describe so much so easily, with great depth. Like Altashheth, which is ancient Hebrew meaning Do Not Destroy. I am altashheth. Do not hurt me, please! Don't lie to me, Don't hurt me, Don't abuse me. I will take your pain, I will cry your tears. I'll bleed a river for you, my friend. Do Not Destroy me. The other Hebrew word is Nefesh. Body and Soul together. I long to be nefesh. I dont want to be loved for just this, or that part of me. I want to be loved completely. I want to be whole. I want some one to love me as deeply and purely as I love them... Shall I never be Nefesh!? Am I crazy? My best friends dad says, No, not just crazy. But Fucking crazy.*smiles* Do I care? *laughs* ummm... NO! Now tell me, do you know me? Or better yet.... are you sure you still want to.......? |
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