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4/27/05 3:01 am
Leah wanted to change my diaper the other day after I changed hers. I tried to explain to her that I don't wear, well, anyway, it's funny what she picks up. I'm getting anxious for summer. Hanging out in the sun, not wearing socks. School is going well this week. I feel more involved in what I'm doing there. I'm feeling I have more say in what I get to study as the end draws nearer. It's nice that they've set things up that way. I'm taking a class, Money and the Mission of the Church, which is led by two guys who regularly go out and solicit money for Luther Seminary. They happen to be pastors as well. Anyway, it's fascinating to hear about people who give lots of money to the seminary. They see it as the gift that keeps on giving because of all the students that graduate and go around the world spreading the gospel. It would be awesome to leave a whole bunch of money to Luther Seminary sometime, but right now I'm glad others are doing it.
4/15/05 3:10 am
So today I'm wondering where we will end up after I'm done with school. I am not too picky, I guess. We're trying to be really open in this regard. If it works out, we'll keep renting out our house. Circumstances will dictate. I think we're doing pretty well, actually. I'm not worried about finances. It's a little crazy out there thinking about buying houses in the future, but we'll just have to take it as it comes. We don't need anything fancy, but maybe a lot of room would be nice. No big deal. Some places in the country still have reasonable housing and maybe we'll end up there. We would like a good place to raise Kelly and Leah, but I think that can be done just about anywhere as long as we keep it (and them) our priority. I would like a warm place. And a garage for my MG. Right now I'm thinking it would great to have a nice, quiet, little life somewhere away from the city. But then maybe we'd get bored. I don't know. For the family scene, there's something nice about a smaller town. As long as there's a Wal-Mart, we're okay. That was a joke. As long as we're all together as a family, we're okay. And, like I said, a garage for my MG.
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4/12/05 3:39 am
So I'm reading Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird. It's great. I can't believe I have never taken the idea of writing seriously. For me it's always been kind of a chore, but I know of the benefits it provides. Finally, it allows me to reveal who I am. At least on paper or on the screen. Growing up I don't think I felt I had talent in the area of creative writing because my topics of interest were so obscure. Mostly, I just had strange ideas about how I wanted the world to be. The world didn't often resemble those ideas, but that didn't stop me. I remember not feeling particularly well known by my contemporaries. Maybe that's why, because I called them my contemporaries. I was always about 10 years older than kids my own age. I was prematurely mature, or so I thought. I just wasn't as well rounded as they were and, as such, wasn't maturing in the same ways they were. At any rate, I knew I had to be perfect in many ways and couldn't see my world any differently than that. Wow, that's pretty hard to live up to. Now, if only I can see that my daughters don't grow up that way. Probably it's the exception more than the rule to see things the way I did, unless, of course, nobody else talks about these things and really thinks them, too. I made it to adulthood and sometimes I think that life is just about that: surviving. If you live for a certain number of years, you gain credibility just because you've lived so long. And maybe stayed out of jail for so long. Also, if you're pretty mellow and not too excitable, like me, then people think you can handle a lot and not get flustered. It's not as easy as it looks.
I want to stay relevant as I get older and more distanced from my formal education. The best way to do that is to continue reading. I read a lot now 'cause I'm in school. But I will need to keep doing that in order to stay interesting to my parishioners and keep learning about myself. I guess I'm assuming that I'm interesting to start with. There are no guarantees in that regard.
3/29/05 4:21 am
I'm writing this while at work at the Radisson. Work is going well. It's a great day at the Radisson! Always! So, let's see, what is there to write about today....I think that's a really dorky picture of me on the upper left. But I'm going to leave it there for a while. I'm not sure if this blog is useful to anyone but myself. I'm not going to worry about it anymore.
I miss my MG. It's really nice outside and it would be nice to drive it these days. School sometimes gets to be a drag. Not a drag costume contest, just a drag. The strangest Christmas party I ever attended was when I worked for MGM Studios in California and the movie The Birdcage had just come out. There were two men dressed as women there who were paid to attend the party by MGM. That just seemed strange to me.
I'm missing a bit of spontaneity in my life these days. Leah and Kelly provide much of it, but I'm just saying in regards to my schoolwork, it's all a bit routine. I know that I'm getting towards the end of seminary, but it's not coming soon enough. I still have another year and then I'll be done with the formal education for a while. I sometimes get lost in this land of make-believe they call seminary.
3/19/05 3:11 am
Today I'm really happy about my life. I think I'm very lucky with all the people that God has placed in my life. Especially, my wife, Anne, is wonderful, and our two daughters, Leah and Kelly, are amazing. I love them all so much. Today I noticed Kelly entertaining Leah for the first time. Kelly was in her play saucer thing and started rocking it. She was doing it pretty well because I looked over to see if she was tipping over. She wasn't, but Leah started laughing when she saw Kelly rock the thing. I watched with amusement, too, as she continued to bounce her way around more when she realized both Leah and I were watching. This is the first time I noticed that Kelly was doing something in response to the response she got from others. We all had a good laugh.
I think I self-obsess too much. It's just what I do. I realized this from a young age, but I've been helpless to change it. I think it can be a good thing, but not to extremes. It's been helpful for self-reflection and growth, but I can't get away from it sometimes and would like to. I look for the on/off switch sometimes and can't seem to find it. This weblog is either helpful, in order to get some thoughts out of my head, or it's unhelpful, because it allows me to concentrate on my internal follies.
Thanks for reading.
3/14/5 9:06 am
I am going to try some oddball things with this weblog now. I'm going to put some strange words in it because I want to see if the ads on the side of the page respond to what I'm writing. I think they do and I'm trying to figure out how this works. For instance, I put the label Ol' Blue Eyes on a picture of Kelly on my other website this month and noticed that there was an ad later for colored contact lenses. Coincidence? I don't think so. So here goes: Frank Sinatra, bicycles, volleyball, Paiste cymbals, Vancouver, Tribeca, Guatemala, Diamler-Chrysler, Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, spiritual harvest, babies, PFGoldfish, The Apprentice and The Brady Bunch.
3/13/05 1:33 am
When we first meet people, I've heard it said that we use our heads and then our hearts. It's like we first talk with our intellect, or head, and only later, when we are comfortable, do we share our feelings (heart) with that person. However, I think it's more like a dance. We begin like awkward teenagers dancing together about 2 feet apart, barely holding onto each other. Moving clunkily, we are very self-concious, making small talk about the weather or people we know. Then we feel the beat of the music and move together in unison, opening up about who we are, or wish we were. From there, we move in a little closer and take chances, like stomping our feet, letting the other know we are relaxing our defences bit. Further along now, the dance progresses, little by little allowing us to reveal more about who we are. Where this dance ends, we have no idea.
3/1/05 10:12 am
My friend Mark Lautt died. I am saddened. We went to school together from 4th through 12th grade. We were best friends for a while, until about 7th grade, when I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to be best friends anymore. I'm not sure why I did that. I still don't know why, except I wanted to keep my options open, I guess. That's really lame of me. He had lots of medical conditions lately, and I saw him in the hospital last year in Grand Forks. I stopped by his room and told him who I was. He had become blind and couldn't see me. We talked for a while and it was good to see him. He was very upbeat and incredibly optimistic. He said that this life is all about what you have, not what you don't have. He said he wouldn't have changed a thing about his life. "Live the moment you have and savor it," he had said. He had become, over the years, a bit loud and almost boisterous. Completely different from what he had been. He was really proud of his twin kids whom he had taught to ride bikes, even though he was blind. That was really cool. I'm so glad I saw him. God must have led me to his room that day.
2/24/05 5:29 am
It seems as I get older, some things change and others really stay the same. I feel the same physically as I did when I was 20, yet I know more. I am more cautious in some ways, less concerned about stability in others. I feel more confident in general, but also am more bored in general. I feel I have to keep pushing myself to explore new things but it's easier just to sit back and relax. I don't want to lose my thirst for knowledge, but it's tiring to try to keep up. I have a hard time being satisfied with what I've done in life when I know there's so much more to do. I want to share my knowledge with the world, but I'm not sure anyone cares to hear it. I remember things from years ago like they were yesterday, but the people I'm around today weren't there. I am happy to be married to a wonderful woman and to have two great daughters. I am so grateful for them, yet I know they could be taken from this life at any time. It feels like there's very little worldly that I can count on, yet that seems to be the stuff I strive to hold on to. The Gospel tells us that Christ is all we need. Why do I continue to search elsewhere?
Writing down my thoughts, as I'm doing here, seems to give me a handle on the world and my own situation. In reality, nothing is changing because I'm writing these things down. That's just how it is. I shouldn't worry about it, I guess. Yet, these are the things I think about when I have the time. Also, they say you don't have to use two spaces between sentences when typing like Mrs. Hell taught us. How am I suppose to change that after doing it since 1984?
2/21/05 7:31 pm
Hi. I recently read The Purpose Driven Church by Rick Warren for the first time. I'm so inspired! I may have to start my own church sometime. I'm so interested in learning more about Saddleback Church in California that is written about in this book. It has effectively reached out to thousands of unchurched people. I think the Lutheran church can learn much from the practicality of this read. I'll keep you posted on these plans. Thanks for reading this web page and please notice the new guest book.
1/16/05 7:19 pm
Hi. I just put Leah to bed and Anne and Kelly are visiting Anne's friends. It's nice to be alone. I can hear Leah talking to herself in her room and she seems so happy. It's fun to think about her future. I have no idea what it holds, but it's true that each new life offers such promise and hope because of that very fact. Nobody knows. Of course, we all want the best for our kids, but we deal with whatever comes our way. The best thing is to enjoy the present moments we can with them and realize that those are the moments that matter most. I'm not sure how best to prepare Leah and Kelly for their futures, except impart them with my Christian faith. It seems to be what's gotten me through the worst times of my life. That and my great family. I'm thankful for them all.
12/15/04 1:14 pm
It suddenly all makes sense now. I listened to Prof.Throntveit today and realized that he put words to my gut feelings. I knew there was some purpose for me feeling so strongly about going into ministry, and now I know what it is. It is the fact that God wants me to proclaim the Good News, not explain it. All my life it seems people have wanted to know the "why" of the Gospel, but I'm here to tell that the Gospel happened, not how God did it. This feels so right. It seems so clear. It seems I had some idea of this duty in my heart, but until now, could not put these feelings into words. I always got hung up on those questions that people had about such things and didn't know how to answer them. However, we are as pastors to proclaim the Good News to our specific congregations, not explain it to them. The difference is realizing that God works in my life just as God did in the Old Testament and in the New Testament. That hasn't changed. My human intellect wants to know the "why" of all the miracles, but my job as pastor is to state that they happened, not how they happened. I know I have believed this on some level for some time, but I have not been able to clarify it in words. This is so revolutionary. It means that the hope and understanding I've had all along for Jesus Christ working in the lives of parishioners is true, not that I have to convince them of it, just that it is true. That's all I have to do, not convince them of anything. I know this is how I've been thinking and acting, but I didn't know it. I can see now how the experiences on Internship showed this to me in a way that I knew was true, but had to live out to be able to understand. This means that my feelings about not always knowing what to do or say in certain situations was okay. It wasn't me, it was God working through me. I was an instrument, whether I knew it or not at the time. I will continue to be that instrument for as long as God wishes.
12/04/04 11:23 am
Hi there. I have been lax in writing. Oh yeah, let's see, there was the new baby, and the sleepless nights....I wouldn't want twins. I've gotten some feedback on this site from my parents and I wanted to clarify something I wrote down below. I was talking about how I don't remember learning Bible stories from my parents at home as a child, but instead learned those stories in Sunday School. This is not a problem. I don't have any regrets. I do want to thank my parents, however, for doing something far more important for me....and that is: modeling the Christian life for me.
That said, I hope Anne and I can do the same for Kelly and Leah. Speaking of which, did you know we bought a minivan? Yes. It's true. While this may not seem like a big deal to you, we had to get used to the fact we were buying into such a cliched and popular idea. At first, we wanted anything but; however, after driving a couple SUVs and several minivans, we felt our hands were tied. You see, there is no replacement for the storage, seating and fuel economy offered by the ubiquitous mini-sized van. It's not too sexy, but it has leather seats and lots of power options, including what's under the hood. Not bad for around $5000, used. I really do love vehicles of all kinds and can't wait to drive my beloved '67 MGB again in the seasonal temps of 2005.
Editor's Note: The background pattern used for this site is similar to glass block used as a constuction material,
of which my father is quite fond.
11/02/04 5:35 pm
Today is Election Day. I'm not going to reveal who I voted for, but I feel good about it. Also, it's been a week since Kelly Rose Manz was born and it has given me new perspective. I felt this when Leah was born, too. It's kind of a fresh approach to looking at my life and the things God is doing in it. I feel very lucky to have found Anne and now to have two beautiful babies with her. It almost transcends comprehension. I never would have imagined how happy this (marriage and a couple of kids) would have made me, and yet I think on some level I knew that it would. It's also fun to see others, friends, family, get joy out of their involvement with Kelly and Leah. These girls aren't ours to own; Anne and I are merely caretakers for a time. With that in mind, it's hard to believe that God has been so trusting with us. We are blessed.
Matthew Manz
Luther Seminary
Saint Paul, MN
[email protected]
Please see my family's website: www.geocities.com/mlmanz
