STREAM OF CONCIOUSNESS 6/25/00


I feel nothing
My writing means nothing.

I’ve become sad even when I’m alone.
It used to be a disguise.
I could slip it on and off.
Now it’s permanent.

I wonder if I’ll ever talk to my step brother after I move away.
Probably not.
If my dad died, would I ever see my step-mom again? 

If my dogs died, what would I do with their bodies?

Why am I fascinated with death?

My thumb hurts.  I probably have carpal tunnel syndrome.  My father’s a hypochondriac.  It runs in the family.  

I don't like being at my dad's house.  He makes me feel bad when I don't have smores with them as a family thing.

I used to go camping, but now I don't like it.  
I'm afraid of snakes when I'm outside.
I get overwhelmed in grocery stores.
I don't like taking money from my parents when I need to be reimbursed.  
Sometimes I give away money because I feel like I have more than I need.  Then I don't have enough, so I'll work a lot to get more money.  Then I feel like I have too much again.

I get worried when I have less than 40 dollars.  

I wish to be somewhere else right now.
I don't know if this is a dream.  I can't distinguish fiction from reality.  Some memories are actually dreams.  

I would like to be dreaming all the time. 
In my dreams, I yell at people.  I have hostility issues.