6/26/00

     Today, I worked for my dad.  It's easy working for him, because he never has anything for me to do.  Sometimes, I get paid just to watch tv.  Today he had me go on the internet to get some plane tickets.  My fucking computer kept having problems and shutting down the internet.  I got really frusturated because I had been trying for an hour and a half.  I started to pound my desk and I felt like crying because I couldn't take it anymore.  I asked my dad to do it, but he is even worse off than I am.  After dinner, my brother helped me on his computer and it worked.  I could have probably done it myself, but it's hard to focus when you're stressed about something.

     After I went to my friend Kim's house.  She wants to give me a makeover, so we went to Miller's Outpost and Clothestime.  Let me just say that these are not the stores for me.  True, they're not my style, but the clothes look just wrong.  It's almost evil.  My self-esteem sunk to a negtive 43.  Kim commented on my white arms.  It's funny because I was born tan, but somehow have let my skin fade to a dull, white-orange.  Part of me wants to remedy that, but there's another part that likes to be pasty because I associate tan with hellish Southern California.  I am also torn on another subject.  Losing weight.  I don't know what to think about it.  Sometimes, I think that I am beautiful and not fat at all.  I also think that I don't want to lose weight, because then I will attract guys who like skinny girls.  Is that really what I want?  Also, it sucks trying to lose weight.  I might as well be happy, right?  But then there are times when I feel so incredibly unattractive that I want to be one of the skinny girls.  I decide that I'm going to go to the gym every day and eat less.  So I start that plan, but the gym becomes crowded and overwhelming.  So I decide to go on a strict diet.  I get so hungry that I feel completely sick and weak.  Of course I go eat something just so I won't pass out, but then one bagel becomes two, then ice cream and chips, etc.  I decide that I'm fine the way I am, then I see how I've never had a date and I try to lose weight.  It hasn't helped that I've been feeling depressed either, because I eat more. 

     I haven't heard from my mom in a couple of days.  She's up in San Francisco because she got a job there.  I miss her.  I wonder if she's all right.  Saturday, I went to her house to pick up the mail and I completely broke down.  I sobbed until my face was red and soaked with my tears.  My eyes got puffy and when I got back to my dad's he asked me if I had been crying.  I lied and told him that I was just tired.

     I got my SAT scores back.  680 in Math and 650 in verbal.  I'm going to take them again.  I sunk down from my PSAT scores.

     I'm going with my dad to visit colleges in August, even though I told that jerk that I wanted to be with my mom in August.  I don't even know what colleges I want to visit.  GAHHHHH!

Okay, bye.

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