I've associated game session details and names and situations with those I can remember so things make more sense. Otherwise....sometimes you just had to be there. I've also attempted to give credit where it's due. If I snubbed anyone, send me an email.
< 2/21/05 The quotes are updated, The Endless be praised. News ones are in color at the end of the list.
"What would *you* do with a basin of life?" "I'd like to dip my rocks in it." AD+D, Return to White Plume Mountain
Alice: (Singing) "Yes, we have no bananas...." Seth: (Pulling a banana from his coat pocket) "Speak for yourself." AD+D
In reference to a pair of eastern mediatation balls that could raise a character's wisdom: "Listen....to my balls." AD+D
Tom: Who art thine father? AD+D
I sneak off with Rob and kill his stuff!!! AD+D
Alice: Do you have the time? Michael: Yes. Alice: Ok. (Ten minutes.) Alice: I know I asked for the time just a couple minutes ago...but I've forgotten it already. Michael: I never told you the time. Alice: .....oh. (Real-life quote)
Alice: You see.....you're not *really* *thinking*...... AD+D
A character (I forget which one) to our raccoon shaman: "Your raccoon and my butt will NOT get acquainted." SR
Josh: Whoooooa. I rolled....an 18. (Josh was rolling dice for no particular reason that day, and seem to be stunned by anything he rolled.) AD+D
Matt L., mixing many metaphors: We will eat that lego when it crosses our path. AD+D
RAUNCH MAGNET! AD+D, I don't know what was going on...
Alice: Oh my GOD, he's sharpening his tongue!!!
Alice: BTW, I'm reeeaally slow.
Josh: "I cast frisky chest on myself! My feet sprout legs and I have a movement rate of 24! Nyah!" AD+D
Matt L, doing the DM thing: "It roatates." Alice: "Yes...like a restaurant!" AD+D
Josh: "What are the moral implications of pulling down my pants in the middle of the street and mastrubating?" Seth: "The local constabulatory would get a raise--but that would not be moral." AD+D
Seth: "It's not a heathen god. It's the one, true God. Accept it." AD+D
"I have a reason to live! Nugat!" AD+D
Alice: You can now cast....hello, dog. AD+D
Jester: "I cast 'endow.'" AD+D
"You can blame it on the Espresso Gods!!!" AD+D
Rob, in reference to his Character, Penall (RIP): "I have nine testicles!" Alice: "*sigh*....Ok...I'll grant it to you that you have *large* testicles...but..." AD+D
"Hey! Don't piss off Ray Charles." AD+D
Alice: "So, you have Keebler elves hiding in your pouch of holding now?" Rob: "No, they're living in your portable hole." AD+D
Let's bind some faggots, and throw them out of trees! (I feel compelled to explain: faggots are pieces of firewood. At that point, that particular party's best strategic innovation was to set fire to things that either 1) monsters lived in or 2) could be thrown at monsters.) AD+D
Josh and Mike having a Linux moment: I've got to recompile my pizza! OPEN SOURCE PIZZA!!! AD+D
Larry (quoting a commedian? not sure): Women can get away with cleavage....but, if men walked around with one nut hanging out of their pants, it just wouldn't fly! Shadowrun
You're just dead enough to be thoroughly embarassed. AD+D
Josh (I think, maybe Larry or Guffey?): Squeezing people's knees is funny!!!
I can cure what aids you. AD+D
Either Josh or Craig, describing what had to be done so they could cast a particular spell (or something like that)--they happened to be 5-6 level multiclassed wizards at that time, in a campaign where experience must be worked for: All I have to do is reach level 18 wizard, then we have to kill a litch!!! Other Players: Uhm.....groan.....etc. AD+D
Seth or Josh?: How's my dust devil doing against the orc shaman? Matt L.: It's....winning. AD+D
Josh: Nyah! Nyah! I am the thing!!!
Upon seeing a newly married couple in a carriage ride by-- Alice: They're too busy being happy to notice us. Craig: They're allowed to be happy, they just spent lots of money.
C-A-L-L-M-C-T!!! Shadowrun
Guffey: Karma Point!!! Larry, the multi-character playing wonder: For who?? Shadowrun
Larry: Mr Wiiillllsoonnn!!! Gonna meet at Club Penumbra, k? Shadowrun
Here....put this in your pants, where no one will get it. Shadowrun
Jester: Roll your intelligence, bitch!!! AD+D
A PC, speculating about the odd sexiness (trait: allure) of the half-drow character played by Robble who prefered his friends called him "darkie": "There's something....about Darkie." AD+D
Matt L.: "Roll your intelligence, please, Josh." Josh: "I win!!!" AD+D
Alice (Playing California, the elven fighter...): Why do I always run into you when men's heads explode....? AD+D
BRAIN MAGNET!! AD+D
Robble: I *am* a slutty mount. AD+D
Guffey, doing the funniest Crocodile Hunter impression I've ever seen: Here's the most dangerous snake in Australia! I'm going to put it in my pants and jump up and down!!!
Guffey, imagining a Shadowrun psychiatrists office: ...And Slither, the Snake Shaman, is afraid his totem doesn't love him anymore. Shadowrun
Is the ferret in heat?
Larry, being silly about blowing things up: So...what's the force rating of the warehouse? Shadowrun
Either Josh, Larry, Liz, or Matt, I wish I knew which one so i could give credit: Actually, the rule is if you open up on them with LMG (light machine gun) fire and he's *still* following you, chances are he is after you....either that, or you pissed off a combat mage. Shadowrun
A Diablo II Item, recieved by Craig: Massive Giant Sword of the Giant
Robble: Use the horse, Luke AD+D
Robble: Robble is going to throw a piece of rubble at the rabble!! AD+D
Larry: City Spirit, go kick the helicopter's ass!!! Shadowrun
Guffey, discussing inter-tribal politics of the Salish-Shidshe (I murdered that spelling): You're the cheif now...here, take the pom-pon. Shadowrun
Alice: I'm a marmot shaman! Reerow! Shadowrun
Larry: He fell into the magical vortex...of the toilet. Shadowrun
Craig, to Josh, after his priest of Tempos once again proved himself primarily useless in battle (mostly due to bad rolls): Perhaps you should give up the flail. Or, rather, you should give it up as a maneuver, and take it up as a weapon. AD+D
Craig: This die tastes funny. AD+D
Tom (after his character failed multiple intelligence checks.): Oh! Lion! No, no...that's a seal. AD+D
Jester (playing a pro-soldier half orge): People, sir! Yes!! AD+D
Alice: Put that down! It's evil! AD+D
There appears to be a large...enterence like....enterence room. AD+D
I have a claw. AD+D
....called shot....I'm alive! No, I'm not.... AD+D
Nice head! That thing won't bite, will it? AD+D
Josh, after his mage/cleric, Theoro's, favorite horse was wounded: But....that's my happy horse!!! AD+D
Tom, to Michael: You get *no* experience, because you were a dork. AD+D
And when I say I had sex with a goat..... AD+D
Kieran walks up to you and says, "Invalid Sync." AD+D
No conciousness for you! AD+D
Rob: Jooosh, don't kill the pizza man! Pizza guy: Um...I'll go warn the others. AD+D(during food delivery)
Their secret weapon? Probosci!!! AD+D
Tom, playing a Wisdom-8 succubus who couldn't speak common very well: I find box! Say danger! *shakeshake* AD+D
Quick, shoot him in the head while he's rolling initiative!! AD+D
Do I have any brain left on me? AD+D
At one point, one of our groups was discussing hero-names for Josh's character, Theoro...the best (I think) was Theoro The Bulge.
Stop tapping me! AD+D
Rob: Well, the naked in the snow part doesn't bother me.... AD+D
Bra of Holding, 500lbs. AD+D
Rob, after his character Penall (fighter/psionicist) had been woken up by a rod of alertness used by my character, Lydia (mage): The...the stick yelled at me!!! AD+D
Michael, after his theif was eated up by a giant carnivorous plant: Help!!! Get me out of this plaaannnttt!!! AD+D
(I think this was in reference to the plant incident) Incidentally, it's the green one. AD+D
Joe (after a particularly bad fight: I save game. AD+D
Alice: If anyone's not feeling womanly enough, I have some extra estrogen out in my car. AD+D
Craig, reflecting on something that had just happened in our game: It's just...the image of the priest of Tempos running out of the *temple* of *TEMPOS* in full battle armor and colors yelling "Help!!"... (btw, AD virgins, Tempos is the god of war, battle, and things like that) AD+D
Michael: Cool!! Robble: Fuuuuccck. AD+D
Craig: What happened to your godhood? Alice: I ate it. Out. Of existance. (I'm the god of pastry, by the way :) )
Alice: I form you into a small ball, and stuff you up my nose. AD+D
Craig, in a discussion about genies misunderstanding or twisting around the request for a "Flametongue", a powerful sword which does fire damage...: However, you could *lick* the ice elemental to death. AD+D
Yes, we're here to inquire about the suicide mission? AD+D
Tom (playing his very experienced Special Ops character): If we were in a prison in Bangledesh, we'd all be chanting "fish" in Taiwanese. Shadowrun
Alice, playing a character with keen hearing, discovering another character had keen sight: Between the two of us, we're a dog! AD+D
Guffey: Having a B.A. in Physics, Math, or Cosmology is Cool! It's avant guarde! Having a B.S. in English is just *ironic*!!!
Alice: I sucked down *so* much Phenol last night... Larry: (redneck voice) Is that a fancy name for cum....? (phenol is the active ingredient in those pain-relief throat sprays)
Well, butterflies are liquid in chrysilis form! (I'm quite sure this was Larry at Shadowrun)
Larry: Hi, I'm in Lictenstein!
Guffey: The candle has a character carved into it. Larry: Daffy Duck? Guffey: Noooo, a traditional Chinese character... Shadowrun
Alice: Then, when your pet Naga dies, you can make Naga-hyde from it! Shadowrun
What's that lassie? Nois'pas fallen off the rope? AD+D
Alice: The 11th commandment: Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's inner haunch.
Pickup lines for Alice's cleric/ranger, Carrot: Hey, baby...I've got a plant. AD
Seth, in a discussion about the downfall of the Japanese Geisha: Americans have corrupted WHOREHOUSES!!!
Larry: Arachnaphilia! Alice: Obviously, we're both in the same gutter. Shadowrun
Matt: I have a giant ceramic penis with swords sticking out of it. How much ornate can you get?
Your timing is impeachable.
Alice (and this one *is* a classic): I'll "hold person" on you and "heat metal" your ass, but I'm not an ogre mage! AD+D
Craig: No, FMIR. F-M-I-R.
Alice: Wang Fondle would be a great character name. AD+D
Do not use happy fun kitty on concrete.
Larry: If the strongest bonding force in your relationship is dried semen, it's time to break up. Shadowrun
Cleric Spell: Bitchslap from Beyond
Why are you looking at me with that?
I haven't really inserted vegetables into my colon or had sex with the undead, so I'm doing pretty well.
Michael: Wait a minute...let me check and see how big my balls are. AD+Dj, right before his fighter/thief did something incredibly stupid/brave/cool....
Josh: I'm very upset with my horse and I'm going to speak with it later. AD+D
Alice: He may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least he's a tool.
Larry, quoting MST3K: Time to go see Mr. Reconstructive Uriologist!!
A...battle cry of sorts, which we have developed: HAREM! PANTS!!
Michael: What happens if you dikote a Mack Truck? Shadowrun
GM: Don't store the C12 in your fridge. P1: What happens if you swallow the C12? P2: And then...you swallow a battery!!! Shadowrun
Liz (to Betsy, or at least her character): "Faun", "deer", we need to make some "doe"! -Shadowrun
It's hard to escape the sexual connotations of a good watersnake.
Matt L. (as DM); I'm *sorry*, these dice are set to *eeeevil*! AD+D
Theif, in a library, hunting for a secret entrance: "Is there one called Secret Doors and how to Operate them?"
From a conversation about covering one's various body parts with continual flame:
Michael: That would certainly make sex more interesting.
Alice: Yeah....light, dark, light, dark..... D+D3e
Josh: Wiccan?
Matt: Catholic.
Craig: Close enough. AD+D
Craig: No, no, I meant fuck with metal, not gently stroke metal. AD+D
Mike: They killed him?! That's worse than arresting him!! AD+D
Matt, on the phone, while the random players scattered about his apartment were discussing 3e DND skills and how they apply to sex: Can you change the topic? I need to focus on this conversation.
Robert (with extreme sarcasm): Well, I'm ok with being naked, hairless, and near death. It's the *rope* I'm worried about. D+D3e
Alice: How big *are* your balls?
Robert: Uhm....Where's they go? D+D3e
Robert, looking at Tom's pile of character-related sheets: You're sheetful!
Tom, looking up slowly, speaking solemly: Yes. I am completley, and utterly, full of sheet.
A name that the DND3e character generator offered me: Dim the Latent (I'm tempted to use it at some point)
Diablo II NPC Character names (randomly generated): Flame Flame, Wind Break (no kidding!)
Mike, referring to something weird two players had just done IRL (and yes, I was one of them): I'd say that was vaguley sexual, but it's not. It was blatantly sexual.
Alice (that's me!) asking about how her character Melody was doing with a member of the opposite sex (another PC, if you must know): Is she getting anywhere? I.e., into his pants? D+D3e
Jason, reading the Monster Manual for 3e (look at the Tarrasque page and you'll understand): Mmmm. The carmel coated Tarrasque and the Tendro-licious. D+D3e
A friend of a friend of Craig's, who had a rather dubious Halloween coustume (it could have been a condom or a plastic bottle) which he wore to work: I just checked the sexual harassent policy, and I'm a plastic bottle.
Alice, claiming her power word: Fuck Robert! I have the claim to pants.
Craig: My ass is not ambulatory.
Alice: I'm glad I have friends who can properly use the word "ambulatory."
Colin: Shit man, that's fuckin' ambulatory!!!
Craig, stating the obvious: We're 8 people in a van, listening to a tetris remix.
Alice, displaying her prowess at rapidly (and randomly) changing topics: I feel guilty, but this tastes a lot like yogurt.
Keith: Why is it whenever you're upset I end up wearing women's clothing??
Craig: I'm just gonna sit here and pet your hat. (And he did. It was very, very late at night, and we were at Perkins.)
Craig to Alice, five minutes after that last quote: That's the least comforting reassurance I've ever gotten. You put your hand on mine, and said "Thing."
Mike: Josh makes neat squeaky noises when you wake him up with knee sex!!
About a diplomacy roll, after which the DM stopped doing an accent for an NPC. I don't really remember who said this (Matt L. or Robert R. maybe?): Wow, apparently you did well enough to negate his accent.
Tom: Is this the list? Matt: No, that's my bread pudding recipie. D+D3e
If I tried really hard, I could lick my own tiger today! (Michael? Craig? one or the other, I'm sure....)
(Matt Larson describes a construct) Jason: Wow, you made that?? Matt, matter-of-factly: Yes. Jason: What level are you in that campaign? Matt: I'm the gamemaster.
Josh, quite frustrated, and at a completely inappropriate moment: Ok, let's kill it.
Turn him into a ferret so he can be cool. D+D3e (it's so thoughtlessly heartless, that it's probably me)
Alice: Chivalry isn't dead. Men are still *perfectly* willing to undo their pants for you.
Josh, playing with candy lego type blocks and a candle that I gave to him (what was I thinking, exactly....?): Ooooooh....I'm gonna carmelize! Oh, it started on fire....
Josh, still playing with aformentioned candy/candle: Melty melty melty melty oh melty hot!!!
Later, that same evening...: Oh no! The acid spittle of Jozer is degrading this wall!!
Grab the cake and frost it!!
Player playing with a bendy figure at gaming one night: When you said we'd be fighting limbo knights this wasn't what I had in mind.... D+D3e
Things overheard on the main floor at GenCon '01: Sara, I'm not just a piece of meat! That's when you beat them with sticks. Nope, no wholesome thoughts here...
My Living Greyhawk character, Portia (NG) to Mike's LG character Tsara (LG), after interviewing a local: We're trying to get information from this guy, and you're all like, "Ooooh, Ooooh, you're wrong! Ooooh, Ooooh, morality!!" That was NOT cool!
Jordan, talking about how neat it would be to spend some quality time with Craig & Alice at Gencon: "Yeah, and the major bondage time will be cool. Wait a min...Oh my freaking God! I can't believe I just said that."
A quote over a year old, which was lost to my desk until a few weeks ago:Michael, trying to get into character as his charisma 4 druid: Sorry, I'm not diplomatic. What I really mean is--**makes giant fart noise, raises his hand**--that was me.
I have two different sets of those “lover's dice,” the type with actions on one die and body parts on the other. I was idly playing with them at gaming once and grabbed one from each set; mind you, if you use both dice from a single set, they always make sense, but there is not always good between-set coordination. This particular instance, I rolled my mixed dice and came up with, “Let's ?” and “Suprise,” which is the LEAST HELPFUL sexual suggestion I have EVER HEARD!
Honey, you spackle better than anyone I know, but that does not make you a shadowrunner.
Joe, developing strategies for our Shadowrun group: Okay...we take the whole building, and we shoot it up, like, 30,000 feet...
Craig: What, what are you shooting up?
Joe was discussing martial arts options for his Shadowrun character (namely, using yoga as a centering skill) with some of the other players, when Sy launched into a tirade about a yoga technique that apparently involves drawing water into one's anus. Once he had finished, Joe valiantly attempted (and failed) to retain our collective dignity by continuing the previous conversation and asked, “So....would that work for centering?”
Radtke, after being hit with surge and growing fur over his entire body: How am I supposed to go out like this?!?!?
Michael, being threatening: Oh, you're going out.
Some of the other players were discussing the composition of Warforged during our Eberron game, and determined they were made of darkwood. Suddenly I looked from my character sheet and shouted, “Very small Warforged!”
(It's nice when your friends know you so well you don't have to bother setting up your own jokes, and you can just skip to the punchline!)
Danny: It's really cheap chocolate syrup, or really good blood!
As much as we all love Joe, this was a particularly bad attempt at blackmail: Don't kill me, you have a special relationship!
Alice as Marla in SR: The dead bother me less than the religious.
Sy: Can you get, like, a dildo shaped pen?
Mike: That's not a nice pen, that's a crappy dildo.
Larry, Alice, and Lisa were discussing bad science.
Larry: If you look for me in the Bible, then you can find something about me with the methods they're using.
Lisa: Yeah, like there's some word in Hebrew you can translate as dingus.
You walked into the Clenched Fist, where (NPC) does his business.
Larry: Doritos Gold—bet you can't just pee on just one!
Alice to Craig: I learn something new from you every day:
Craig: And it's usually something retarded!
Dude, do you have your spider on?
PC, upon meeting a half-elf: Uh, right...so did your dad fuck a tree?
If your talismongerer contact was a dog shaman, you could call them a talismongrel!
Mike as Jim the PhysAd Psycho, concluding a phone conversation: I fart in your general direction! (Holds phone to ass, farts.) Aw, I got crap on the phone.