Back To Jokes

An Attempt To Make You Smile

Free Products
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste and paper items.
  "Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.
"Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!”
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Lantern!
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
  At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he`d done it.
 The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. "Congratulations" the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
  "How`s that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
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Iraqi Job
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign ambassador.
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.
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Y2K
One day in 1999, Saint Peter called Bill Clinton, Michael Jackson, and Bill Gates up to heaven. He said to them, 'I've called you here because you are the three most influential spokespersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he's blowing up the world tomorrow.'
  So, Bill Clinton went back and said, 'Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he is blowing up the world tomorrow.'
  Michael Jackson went back and said, 'I have some bad news and some good news. The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he's blowing up the world tomorrow.
  Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the internet and said, 'I have some good news and some good news. The first part of the good news is I've been voted one of the three most influential spokespersons in the world. The other good news is that the Y2K problem is solved
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Lawyer
A Lawyer was defending a man in court that had broken a window and stolen some jewellery.
  The Lawyer decided to try a unique defense, he told the judge that you shouldn’t punish the whole man for something that his arm did.
The judge thought for a minute, then said, "Good point, using your logic I will sentence the defendant’s arm to two year in prison, he can accompany his arm or not."
  At that the defendant came forward, detached his artificial arm, laid it on the bench and walked out.
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Family Business
Once there was an Accountant. The business had been in the family for generations and generations. Over time, with the countless clients that had gone in and out of the office, the marble step in front of the building had developed a big, deep dip in it from all the wear and tear.
  His friends kept telling the accountant that he had better get it replaced, otherwise he’d be sued for everything he had if anyone ever slipped and fell.
  Reluctantly, the accountant called a stonemason to get a quote for the repairs.
When the stonemason got there the accountant demanded a price for a new step.
`Hmmmm, big job that`. said the stonemason, `But I suppose I could give you a new step for a ten thousand rupees.`
The accountant was stunned. `Are you mad, man? I can’t pay you that much!`
  Thinking about it for a second he turned to the stonemason and asked: `What would you charge me to dig up the step and turn it over so that the worn part is in the ground and I’d get a new step?
  The stonemason hesitated and said, two thousand`.
`Do it!` demanded the accountant, `and call me when you’re done.`
  The accountant went back inside to his books, but after only 15 minutes the stonemason rang the bell.
As the accountant opened the door he saw the stonemason standing in a hole with the step, laughing as he said. `Your great-great-great granddaddy thought of that a hundred and fifty years ago!!`
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Congrats on moving!
A new business was opening and one of the owner`s friends sent flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card.
It said, "Rest in Peace." The owner told the friend that had sent them and the friend called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir I am really sorry for the mistake", and added, "boy we are in trouble with some funeral home. Imagine-somewhere there is a funeral-taking place today, and they have flowers with your card saying,
"Congratulations on your new location
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A complicated breakfast order!
A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the headwaiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile.
"Good Morning Sir", the Headwaiter says.
"What a wonderful morning I`d like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it`s runny, and the other so over cooked it s tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."
"That`s a complicated order Sir," said the bewildered waiter, "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied, "Oh? I don t understand what is the problem in that, that`s what I got yesterday!"
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Deep thoughts
I ALWAYS wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
HAVE you ever noticed ? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
YOU have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don t know where she is.
THE reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
ANY time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
THE statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it s you.
NOW they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you`ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
I ASK people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A LADY came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn t know there were any witnesses. Now I ll have to kill you too.
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Related?
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter eager to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through ! Let me through ! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
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Bar Riddle
Santa took a trip to Sydney, Australia. While in a bar, an Australian on the next stool, spoke to our Santa in a friendly manner.
  "Look," he said, "let’s have a little game. I’ll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I’ll buy you a drink. If you can’t then you buy me one. OK?"
"Yeah, that sounds pretty fair and exciting too," said Santa.
  The Australian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn’t my brother. It wasn’t my sister. Who was it?"
Santa scratched his head and finally, when he was tired of thinking, said, "I give up. Who was it?"
  "It was me," chortled the Australian.
So Santa paid for the drinks.
   Back in Ludhiana Santa went into the bar and spotted Banta, "Hey Banta," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I’ll buy you a drink. If you can’t, you have to buy me one. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Banta.
  Ok...my parents had one child. It was not my brother. It was not my sister. Who was it?"
"Search me," said Banta. "I give up, who was it?"
"It was some Australian, down in Sydney."
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Book reading
Santa Singh walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
  The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."
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Mental Hospital
Santa and Banta Singh were both in a mental hospital. Once they were walking past a swimming pool, Santa suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
       Banta promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled Santa out.
When the medical director became aware of Banta's heroic act, he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
       When he went to tell Banta the news, he said,' Banta, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and
save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Santa, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
       Banta replied, 'He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.'
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Wedding Dress
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
       "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.
       The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why
is the groom wearing black?"

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