| Isolation I look around the room slowly, the same way I tend to look at my life. Yet again, I ask myself where I fit in and the response is always the same: I DON'T KNOW. No one ever knows. I do not want to be just another faceless being on this planet searching for meaning in my clich�d existence. How does a person choose that one thing that will forever define who he or she is? Perhaps it is a specific instant in a person's life that gives their entire existence the significance they have been craving. Nevertheless, how do you select that one moment and what makes it stand out from all the others you have experienced? Is it in the way you acted or did not act? Is it in the way you spoke or in the weight of your silence? Does this moment have to exemplify perfection in every aspect and at the same time be so flawed that you will forever be learning from your mistakes? In my mind, the answer is simple: It is all these things and qualities that create the definition of who you are and sets you apart from the rest of the world. It is a moment of truth when you come to your realization. We all crave truth but at the same time, we run from it. We all wish for innocence but are so corrupt that there is no turning back. This is the story of my life. It is painful to remember things that show you the truth in a situation and it is even more painful to realize you have already grown up and left the rainbows and butterflies behind you. However, butterflies keep reappearing in my life. I have been told I myself am like one- pretty to look at but impossible to touch. Am I really that cold and withdraw that I let no one in? As I ponder this thought, my eyes finally land on what I have been searching for, or rather, for whom. It is she, the girl who seldom leaves me. "What are you doing here?" I ask her quietly as I shut my eyes. She walks closer to me and I can feel her presence next to me. "I thought I told you I didn't want to talk to you again�" "I've only come to talk to you, but you never seem to want to listen to what I have to say," she replied calmly while sitting down next to me on my unmade bed. "How do I make you go away? How do I make you leave me alone? Or is that not even an option anymore?" I say this with bitterness in my voice because deep down I know that I have no choice in this matter and that she will not leave until she has said what it is she came to say. "Just listen to me for once in your life; I know more than you think I do." By this moment I ha already opened my eyes to look at her. I saw her turn towards me seeking a reaction of some sort. "I've been here with you through it all; through every heartache, every hardship and every joyous moment you had no matter how few of them there truly were." Instead of holding her gaze, which was too painful, I lowered my gaze to the floor. I noticed for the first time how truly messy my floors were and how disorganized I have become. I finally looked back at her and replied, "If you were there through everything I've gone through, why didn't you ever say anything? Why did you never help me? Why were you always so far away?" "You would've found me had you merely looked, I promise you that." With those words, she took my hand in hers. The coldness in her grasp gave me shivers up and down my spine. At this precise moment, my mother knocked on the door. "Who are you talking to in there?" she demanded to know. I sighed and thought for a moment before answering. Maybe this is the exact moment I have been waiting for. Maybe this is the moment that will change who I am forever. "No one mom� Just myself�." |
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