Karthik's Collection of Zsigs

The term "zsigs" is short for "zephyr signatures" - in the Unix system that MIT has designed and christened Athena, users can send and receive screen-to-screen messages in small windows, easily customizable in every way. Part of the options is the signature: the normal first and lastname can replaced by a randomly selected variety of one-liners. This is my particular list of chosen pithy quotations. Sources are noted when known.

Please note that not all of these quotations reflect my personal philosophy. Nor should most of them be taken seriously!

A

A Canadian is just an unarmed American with health insurance." - comic John Wing Jr.
A cat's worst enemy is a closed door.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like a day without Mozart. (From a Saturday morning CBC Radio announcer)
A good pun is its own reward.
A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else. (David Farber)
A mind is a terrible thing to taste.
A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on.
Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation.
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself. - Farnsdick's corollary
Ah, tourism. Things to see and people to do.
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
"All's fair in love and war" -- what a contemptible lie.
Always remember to pillage before you burn!
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're searching for.
A lie is a terminological inexactitude.

B

Be kind to plants -- eat herbivores.
Be spontaneous...combust!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Boredom -- the desire for desires.
Brain damage? No thanks; I already have some.

       C     

Captain, I need to kill someone. - Worf (TNG)
Cats: Proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad.
Celibacy: most unnatural of perversions.
Chaste makes waste.
"Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare." - Blair Houghton
Conscience: The inner voice warning somebody is looking.
Conscience: What hurts when everything else feels so good.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Contraceptives: To be used on all conceivable occasions.
Curiosity killed the cat. What the heck they got 9 lives.

D

Dancing: A vertical manifestation of a horizontal desire.
Dating: Social Anxiety.
Day 752 -- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. -- Piraro, "Finding the cat's diary"
Delays created while you wait.
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Denniston's Law: Virtue is its own punishment.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Did you ever stop to think, and then forget to restart?
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
Do invisible cats drink evaporated milk?
Do not adjust your mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning.
Do you have Freudian panties to go with that slip?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.
Don't drink and park; accidents cause people.
Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

E

Easy: A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Everybody else is somebody else's weirdo.
Experience: A name we give to our mistakes.
Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

F

[Family reunions] put the dis back in "dysfunctional" - Adrian Banard
For a real sweet time call C6 H12 O6.
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
Fuck your friends. Enemies won't let you get that close.

G

Give me patience... RIGHT NOW!
Go hence, and sin more creatively next time.
Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Growing old is mandatory - Growing up is obligatory.

H

Harrison's Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Hatred is NOT a Family Value!
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
He's dead Jim. You get the tricorder; I'll get his wallet.
History is a lie commonly agreed upon.
Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a better defense.
Honesty IS the best policy unless you're an exceptionally good liar.
Humankind cannot bear very much reality.

I

I am a hedonist. I seek pleasure from you.
I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be... MMMmmmmm.... Donuts.
I can be decisive, I think
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't just tempt fate - I give it the finger.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I either want less corruption ... or a chance to get in on it.
I have a vitally important role serving as a bad example.
I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy.
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.
I think... I think it's in my basement. Let me go up and check. -Escher
I think ... therefore I am obviously overqualified.
I think, therefore, I am single.
I wish life had scroll back -- with cut and paste. I'm 51% sweetheart, 49% bitch. Don't push it.
I'm always, more or less, exact and precise.
I'm a paranoid schizophrenic! I'm after me!
I'm exploring myself right now.... HEY! What's this?
I'm having an out of money experience.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If love is blind, lingerie makes great Braille.
If we are what we eat, I could be you by morning.
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
"In a university environment, brainstorming sessions can often become a mere drizzle." --Prof. Carlos A. Paz de Araujo, University of CO
In spite of the cost of living, it's still very popular.
It is better to copulate than never.
It's amazing how mature wisdom resembles being too tired.
It's not an optical illusion; it just looks like one.
It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I believe is reality. - Calvin and Hobbes
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the bottom. .
I've taken anatomy. I know where all your erogenous zones are.

L

Life is like... an analogy.
Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is physics.

M

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Malice is merely stupidity raised to a higher power.
Man loves little and often, woman much and rarely.
Manuals: Never has so much been so confused by so many.
Many a family tree needs trimming.
Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature.
Meade's Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
Money can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of misery.
Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
My first experience with artificial life came about when I mistakenly walked into a singles bar.
My love life is like Schroedinger's Cat - courtesy of my friend Regina Burris

N

Nature abhors second order differential equations.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

O

Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible. -Escher
Opportunity knocks only once, but karma hunts you down.

P

People have one thing in common: they are all different.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat.
Practice good mirth control, use a conundrum.
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist.
Procrastinate now!
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.

S

Seven Deadly Sins: All the good stuff in a short list.
Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine.
Status Quo -- Latin for the mess we're in.
"Stop talking while I'm trying to interrupt!"
Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.

T

Tell the truth and run.' -A Yugoslav proverb
The difference between sex and lust is inconsequential.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
The viola is not a "big violin." It's a Viola
There are two rules for success: 1) Never tell everything you know.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Think 'honk' if you're a telepath.
Those on the cutting edge bleed a lot.

W

University is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Wench: What you use to turn the head of a dolt.
When things go wrong, just don't go with them.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Will your answer to this question be in the negative?
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
You're either part of the solution or part of the precipitate.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.