Humorous stories and jokes taken from:

http://www.cyborgcentral.dynip.com/~aroihkin/Main.html

Useless Info 

Idiot Sightings 
IDIOTS AT WORK... 

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. 

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD 
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. 

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE 
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. 

IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1: 
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." 

Idiot Sighting #2: 
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" 

Idiot Sighting #3: 
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. 

Idiot Sighting #4: 
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. 

Idiot Sighting #5: 
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."

Useless Info 

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. 
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". 
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair) 

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary.Details inside". 
(Evidently, the shoplifter special) 

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." 
(And that would be how. . . ?) 

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." 
(But it's *just* a suggestion) 

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box) "Do not turn upside down". 
(Oops, too late!) 

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". 
(As night follows the day . . . .) 

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". 
(But wouldn't this save even more time?) 

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". 
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with colds off those forklifts.) 

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". 
(One would hope) 

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". 
(As opposed to what?) 

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". 
(I gotta admit, I'm curious). 

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". 
(NEWS FLASH,Hello!) 

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts." 
(Step 3: Fly Delta). 

14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". 
(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one). 

15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". 
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?) 

Useless Info 

What to do when you are bored at walmart. 

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it. 

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms. 

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens. 

5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10." 

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 

7. Put M&M's on layaway. 

8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 

10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" 

11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 

12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. 

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 

14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 

15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms. 

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible." 

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 

18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. 

19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!" 

20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" 

21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. 

And last, but not least... 

22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!" 

Useless Info 

VALUE OF LIFE 
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read 'Puppies for Sale.' 

These signs had a weird way of attracting children. And sure enough, a little boy appeared at the sign. "How much are you gonna sell those puppies for?" he asked. 
The store owner replied "Anywhere from \$30-$50." 

The little boy reached into his pocket and pulled out some change. 
"I have \$2.37, can I have a look at them?" 

The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur. 

One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?" 
The man explained that when the puppy was born, the vet had said that it had no hip socket and would limp for the rest of its life. 
The little boy got really excited and said, "That's the puppy I wanna buy!" 
The man replied, "No, you don't wanna buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll give him to you." The little boy got quite upset. 
He looked straight into the man's eyes, pointing his finger and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. He is worth every bit as much as the other dogs and I'll pay the full price. In fact, I'll give you \$2.37 now and 50 cents every month until I have him paid for." 

The man countered, "You really don't want to buy this puppy. He is never gonna be able to run, jump and play like other puppies!" 

To this the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. 
He looked up at the man and said, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands." 

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks away.

Useless Info 

25 Reasons why dogs are easier than kids... 

25. Kibble and water are cheaper than formula and diapers. 
24. They have more hair when they are born. 
23. Dogs never forget to "go" before they leave. 
22. Dogs can go on long trips without yelling "MOM HE'S TOUCHING ME!!!" 
21. Dogs never grow out of being kissed in front of their friends. 
20. Dogs don't wear holes in the knees of their trousers. 
19. It doesn't matter how much dog hair a Dog gets in its mouth. 
18. You can cage a dog without going to jail. 
17. Dogs don't "backwash" crackers when sharing your soda. 
16. Dogs will watch classic Star Trek with you and won't laugh at the special effects. 
15. Dogs hide their "blankies" in their crates rather than dragging them around in public. 
14. It's OK and even encouraged to tattoo your Dog 
13. The older a Dog gets, the more they like you. 
12. Dogs don't ask why. Dogs don't ask why. Dogs don't ask why. 
11. Dogs don't roll their eyes when you insist Dogs today have it easier. 
10. Dogs stick their tongue deep inside your ear canal; children use a pencil. 
9. Dogs don't jump on the bed; they just quietly shed in them and lay on you, considerately adding to your warmth. 
8. Dog markings are easier to get off the wall than crayon. 
7. When Dogs don't listen to you, it is because they cannot understand the complex human language. 
6. Dogs have tails, making it easier to grab them as they run away. 
5. No one passes you a Dog with a loaded diaper. 
4. Dogs dig for buried treasure in the litterbox. Kids won't even dump the litterbox. 
3. When Dogs interrupt you making love, you don't have to explain that the two of you are "wrestling to see who does the dishes." 
2. Dogs don't grow out of their shoes every 2 1/2 months 
And the number one reason? 

1. Dogs, when entering those teen years, are neutered. 

Useless Info 

Did you know ... 
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured to bed frames by ropes...when you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "good night, sleep tight" came from. 

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." 

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, GP. 

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave it To Beaver." 

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. 

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. 

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1. 

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year....so BE CAREFUL!! 

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after a couple's wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all of the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the honeymoon." 

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's." 

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this. 

Useless Info 

TWO ETHICAL QUESTIONS: 

Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion? 

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one. 

Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: 

Candidate A: Likes to work with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. 

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening. 

Candidate C: 
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs. 

Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first. No peeking, then scroll down for the answer. 

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt 

Candidate B is Winston Churchill 

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler 

....and by the way: 

Answer to the abortion question - if you said yes, you just killed Beethoven. 

Makes you think doesn't it? 

Useless Info 

Lunch 

Three construction workers, one from UT, one from Rice, and the other from A&M were building a new skyscraper and they were at the top finishing it up. 

When lunch time came they all sat down. The man from Rice opened his lunch and found a tuna sandwhich and said, "If my wife gives me this again tomorrow I'm going to jump off this building." 

The man from UT opened his lunch and found a burrito and said, "If my wife gives me this again tomorrow I'm going to jump off of this building." 

The Aggie opened his lunch and found a grilled cheese sandwhich and said, "If my wife gives me this again tomorrow I'm going to jump off of this building." 

The next day they all opened their lunches and found tuna, a burrito, and grilled cheese just as the day before. So they all jumped off of the building. 

A week later at their funneral, the wife of the man from UT stood up and said, "Only if he would've told me I wouldn't have given it to him." The wife of the man from Rice said the same thing. 

Then the wife of the Aggie stood up and said, "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunch."

Useless Info 

Words of wisdom .......From Kids 

Kittens 
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." 

Shoes 
Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I know they're my feet." 

Bathroom 
On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?" 

Animal Crackers 
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." 

Story of Lot 
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. " His son asked, "What happened to the flea?" 

Lord's Prayer 
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN." 

Thunderstorm 
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." 

Church Birthday 
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you... 

Sunday School Lesson 
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. 
“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved. "Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it! 

A child came home from Sunday school and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear." 

Sunday Sermon 
It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a Bitch to iron." 

Faces 
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Useless Info 

Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection? 
Why did Kamakasi Pilots wear test helmets? 
Isn't it a bit scary that Doctors call what they do "Practice"? 
If someone with multi-personalities threatens Suicide- is it a hostage situation?

Useless Info 

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road acording to... 

PAT BUCHANAN: 
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. 

DR. SEUSS: 
Did the chicken cross the road? 
Did he cross it with a toad? 
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, 
but why it crossed, I've not been told! 

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: 
To die. In the rain. 

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: 
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. 

GRANDPA: 
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. 

ARISTOTLE: 
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. 

KARL MARX: 
It was a historical inevitability. 

SADDAM HUSSEIN: 
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. 

RONALD REAGAN: 
What chicken? 

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: 
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. 

FOX MULDER: 
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? 

FREUD: 
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. 

BILL GATES: 
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-----and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. 

EINSTEIN: 
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? 

BILL CLINTON: 
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please? 

GEORGE W. BUSH: 
I don't think I should have to answer that question. 

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: 
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. 

THE BIBLE: 
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. 

COLONEL SANDERS: 
I missed one?

Useless Info 

Gov. Jobs 
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. 
Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job. 
Then Congress said, How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two (2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" 
So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. 
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" so they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people. 
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08. 
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are \$18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." 

So they laid off the night watchman.

Useless Info 

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She notice the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. 

The case came up in court and the judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. 

The man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. When she sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins are coming" I had to smile. 

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloans Liniment will reduce the swelling" I had to grin. 

Then she place herself under a sign that said "Williams Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself. 

BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident" I laughed out loud. 

Case Dismissed! said the Judge

Useless Info 

Mega Morons! 
MEGA MORON #1 
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a \$20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the \$20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?] 

MEGA MORON #2 
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F___-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!" 

MEGA MORON #3 
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. 
Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 

MEGA MORON #4 
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 

MEGA MORON #5 and 5 STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!!! 
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. 

MEGA MORON #6 
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. 

MEGA MORON #7 
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

Useless Info 

What Not To Say To A Cop. 

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas) 
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 
5. Are You Andy or Barney? 
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 
8. I pay your salary! 
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Useless Info 

All Aboard! 

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. 
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." 

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." 

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All of you who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." 
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Useless Info 

Santa Is A Woman 

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. 
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! 
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. 
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the shopping bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. 
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. 
Even if the male Santa DID still have reindeer, he'd also have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. 
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: 
-Men can't pack a bag. 
-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. 
-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seenwith all those elves. 
-Men don't answer their mail. 
-Men woould refuse to allow their physique to be described, even injest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly." 
-Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. 
-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriiously inhibit their ability to pick up women. 
-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. 
I can buy the fact other mythical holiday characters are men:> 
-FatherTime shows up once a year unshaven aand looking ominous. Definite guy. 
-Cupid flies around carrying weapons. 
-Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. 
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. 
But not Santa!!!!

Useless Info 

17 REAL Headlines 

01. Include you children when baking cookies 
02. Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say 
03. Police begin campaing to run down jaywalkers 
04. Iraqi head seeks arms 
05. British left waffles on Falkland Islands 
06. Teacher strikes idle kids 
07. Clinton wins budget; more lies ahead 
08. Plane to close to ground, crash probe told 
09. Miners refuse to work after death 
10. Stolen painting found by tree 
11. Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter 
12. War dims hope for peace 
13. If strike isn't settled quickly, it may take a while 
14. Man struck by lightning faces battery charge 
15. Astronaut takes blame for gas in space 
16. Kids make nutritious snakes 
17. Local High School drop outs cut in half.

Useless Info 

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity. 

01) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. 

02) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 

03) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com 

04) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 

05) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 

06) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." 

07) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 

08) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 

09) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.' 

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 

13) Dont use any punctuation 

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 

15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 

17) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.) 

18) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you are doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3." 

19) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 

20) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard. 

21) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!" 

22) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!" 

23) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do." 

24) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." 

25) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand 

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes. 
09. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white. 
08. Crying can be fun. 
07. FAT CLOTHES 
06. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch. 
05. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience. 
04. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 
03. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible. 
02. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes. 
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND: 
01. OTHER WOMEN

Useless Info 

(names have been ommited by PlanetKulitron to protect the very, very stupid.) 

1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." 

2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." 

3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." 

4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." 

5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." 

6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." 

7. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." 

8. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." 

9. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." 

10. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." 

11. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." 

12. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." 

13. "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." 

And last but not least -- a parting word: 
14. "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

Useless Info 

Letters to God from Dogs 

Dear God: 
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? 

Dear God: 
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are there priorities? 

Dear God: 
When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So... I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing? 

Dear God: 
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same oud story? 

Dear God: 
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the Jaguar, the Cougar, the Mustang, the Colt, the Stingray, and the Rabbit, but not one named for a Dog? How often do you see a Cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! 
I know every breed cannot have it's own model, but it would be easy to rename the Crysler Eagle to the Crysler Beagle! 

Dear God: 
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? 

Dear God: 
If we come back as Humans, is that good or bad? 

Dear God: 
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. 

Dear God: 
When we go to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? 

Dear God: 
Are there Dogs on other planets, or are we alone?

Useless Info 

Smart Remarks 
One Saturday afternoon while watching TV, Bob's wife interrupts his football game. 
"Honey, could you please fix the light in the hallway?" 
Bob gives her an angry look and says, "Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!" 
"Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It doesn't shut right." 
"Oh, right. And does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!" He turns back to his game. 
"Fine, then just fix the steps to the front door before someone falls through them." 
"I'm not a carpenter and I don't want the fix the steps during the game! Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so! I've had enough of this. I'm going to the bar!" 
After a few hours at the bar watching the game, Bob starts to feel guilty about how he reacted and decides to go back home and do some chores. Entering the house, he notices that the steps are fixed, and the hall light is working. Getting another beer, he sees that the fridge door is fixed as well. "Honey, how did you get all of this fixed?" he asks. 
She answers, "Well, after you left I sat outside and cried. A young man walked by and asked what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs if I would either go to bed with him or bake him a cake." 
Bob asks, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?" 

His wife replies, "Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead?"

Useless Info 

America 

Let's see if I understand how America works lately . . . 
If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant. 

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked. 

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. 

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education. 

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender. 

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones. 

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. 

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. 

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline. 

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

Useless Info 

Did you know you could do this? 

1) Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. 
2) Use a meat baster to squeeze your pancake batter onto the hot griddle - perfect shaped pancakes every time. 
3) To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. 
4) To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling. 
5) Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan - the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers. 
6) To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing. 
7) To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drrop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop-the skillet will be much easier to clean. 
8) Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces - no more stains. 
9) When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead - no white mess on the outside of the cake. 
10) If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato - it absorbs the excess salt for an instant fix. 
11) Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator-it will keep for weeks. 
12) Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. 
13) Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it back up. 
14) When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness. 
15) To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh - if it rises to the surface, throw it away. 
16) Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. 
17) Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. 
18) If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy. 
19) Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water. 
20) To get rid of itch from mosquito bites: try applying soap on the area for instant relief. 
21) Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march - see for yourself. 
22) Use air-freshener to clean mirrors: It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine. 
23) When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily. 
24) NOW Look what you can do with ALKA-SELTZER: 
A. Clean a toilet - drop in two ALKA-SELTZER tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China. 
B. Clean a vase - to remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two ALKA Seltzer tablets. 
C. Polish jewelry - drop two ALKA-SELTZER tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. 
D. Clean a thermos bottle - fill the bottle with water, drop in four ALKA-SELTZER tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). 
E. Unclog a drain - clear the sink drain by dropping three ALKA-SELTZER tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.

Useless Info 

WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME! 

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!" 

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." 

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about." 

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" 

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" 

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." 

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." 

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" 

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!" 

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!" 

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" 

THANKS, MOM!

Useless Info 

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. 
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." 
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 
9 iron. 
Boom! 
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? 
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. 
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." 
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." 
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit \$3000, black 6." 
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. 
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. 
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." 
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me.." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. 

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Useless Info 

How do you catch a unique rabbit? 
Unique up on it. 

How do you catch a tame rabbit? 
Tame way, unique up on it. 

How do crazy people go through the forest? 
They take the psycho path. 

How do you get holy water? 
You boil the hell out of it. 

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? 
Polaroid's 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? 
A stick. 

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? 
Nacho cheese. 

What do you call Santa's helpers? 
Subordinate clauses. 

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? 
Quattro sinko. 

What do you get from a pampered cow? 
Spoiled milk. 

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? 
Frostbite. 

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 
A nervous wreck. 

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? 
Anyone can roast beef. 

Where do you find a dog with no legs? 
Right where you left him. 

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? 
Because they have big fingers. 

Why don't blind people like to sky dive? 
Because it scares the dog. 

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? 
Sanka 

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? 
The location of the dirt bag. 

Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down? 
Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat. 

What do you call skydiving lawyers? 
Skeet. 

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang,bang,clop clop clop? 
An Amish drive-by shooting 

How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorcee the same? 
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Useless Info 

About five days ago, my 26 year old son decided to have a cup of instant coffee. 
He took a cup of water and put it in the microwave to heat it up (something that he had done numerous times before). 
I am not sure how long he set the timer for but he told me he wanted to bring the water to a boil. 
When the timer shut the oven off, he removed the cup from the oven. 
As he looked into the cup he noted that the water was not boiling. 
Then instantly the water in the cup "blew up" into his face. The cup remained intact until he threw it out of his hand but all the water had flown out into his face due to the buildup of energy. 
His whole face is blistered and he has 1st and 2nd degree burns to his face which may leave scarring. 
He may also have lost partial sight in his left eye. 
While at the hospital, the doctor who was attending to him stated that this a fairly common occurrence and water (alone) should never be heated in a microwave oven. 
If water is heated in this manner, something such as a wooden stir stick or a tea bag should be placed in the cup to diffuse the energy. 
It is however a much safer choice to boil the water in a tea kettle. 
Here is what our science teacher has to say on the matter: 
"Thanks for the microwave warning. I have seen this happen before. It is caused by a phenomenon known as super heating. It can occur anytime water is heated and will particularly occur if the vessel that the water is heated in is new. 
What happens is that the water heats faster than the vapor bubbles can form. If the cup is very new then it is unlikely to have small surface scratches inside it that provide a place for the bubbles to form. As the bubbles cannot form and release some of the heat that has built up, the liquid does not boil, and the liquid continues to heat up well past its boiling point. What then usually happens is that the liquid is bumped or jarred.

Useless Info 

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR??... 

When you are sad,............. 
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum-sucking bastard who made you sad. 

When you are blue,.......... 
I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you. 

When you smile,............ 
I'll know you finally got laid. 

When you are scared,......... 
I will rag you about it every chance I get. 

When you are worried,......... 
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. 

When you are confused,....... 
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass. 

When you are sick......... 
Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have. 

When you fall...... 
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. 

This is my oath............... 
I pledge till the end. 

Why you may ask?........ 
Because you're my friend. :-)

Useless Info 

Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn: 

01) The bandage was wound around the wound. 
02) The farm was used to produce produce. 
03) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 
04) We must polish the Polish furniture. 
05) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 
06) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 
07) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 
08) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 
09) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 
10) I did not object to the object. 
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 
13) They were too close to the door to close it. 
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend.

Useless Info 

01. You - Off my planet 
02. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 
03. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 
04. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 
05. And your crybaby whiney-ass opinion would be...? 
06. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 
07. Allow me to introduce my selves. 
08. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 
09. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up. 
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep. 
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 
16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? 
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 
19. Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done. 
20. Earth is full. Go home. 
21. Is it time for your medication or mine? 
22. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 
23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Useless Info 

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason. 
They simply have not been able to find three wise men & a virgin in the Nation's capitol. 

There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill The stable

Useless Info 

M&M Duels 
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. 

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. 

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. 

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. 

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." 

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. 

There can be only one.

Useless Info 

Truisms 

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change placs. 
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Useless Info 

You might be a Redneck Jedi if... 

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." 

Your Jedi robe is camouflage. 

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. 

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. 

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. 

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. 

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. 

Wookies are offended by your B.O. 

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. 

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. 

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot." 

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. 

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. 

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. 

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. 

Although you'da had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. 

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. 

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. 

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle..."

Useless Info 

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" 

"What's the problem, Eve?" 

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." 

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. 

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." 

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." 

"What's a man, Lord?" 

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain, all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." 

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" 

"Well ... you can have him on one condition." 

"What's that, Lord?" 

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... 
You know...woman to woman.”

Useless Info 

Things To Do In Elevators 

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 
Blow your nose, then offer to show the Kleenex to other passengers. 
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 
On a long ride, sway from side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 
Belch as loudly and deeply for as long as you can. Pause. Then repeat. 
Crack open your briefcase or purse, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?" 
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator (wear your own upside-down). 
Lean over to another passenger, smile broadly and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 
Tai Chi exercises. 
Yell out "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" from the back of extremely packed elevators 
Hand out religious tracts to each passenger. 
Pass wind. Smile smugly and look proud about it. 
Take bets with other passengers about how many coins you can fit up your nose. 
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it. 
Attempt to start a sing-along. 
Play the harmonica. 
Shadow box. 
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope 
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and Announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space". 
Bring a chair along. 
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?". 
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body". 
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively.

Useless Info 

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. 

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead. 

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup." 

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." 

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter." 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." 

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." 

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!" 

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home