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Then, after admitting all that... after having had no contact with me since October, 2002... she said the oddest thing over the phone. Kari asked me to consider moving in with her... that nothing would occur between us relationship-wise, but at least we could raise our son in a two-parent household, both loving and taking care of him. Normally I would say, "What in hell?" This one deserves, "What the fuck?!?" I let her know that I'd moved out here to be near Catherine and she understood that. I told her that months ago I had a fantasy about teaching in Cathy's high school until she graduated, then moving there to be able to teach at Dawson's school until he graduated... I would have daily contact with both of my kids in their formative years that way without having to ask their mothers' permission to do so. But, I do know the difference between fantasy and reality, and the cold reality is that with a mid-year termination on my resume, I will probably never teach again. She again asked if I would consider her proposal. I told her I had spent the entire day wondering about what-if's and what-not's, that it was a ton emotionally for me to think about for one day. We closed, inviting each other to call back at any time. After the call, for some reason all I could think of was something I'd said in my Parting Shots at the close of 13 Seasons... when I urged my former students to keep an unspoken "fuck-you" in mind to critics when trying to accomplish anything. I didn't mention anything about how important my students were to me, how much I loved teaching, or how I'd seriously considered suicide every single day for four months after not being able to be there for them (or them for me). I didn't tell her Catherine was the reason I didn't do it, that since June I've promised Cathy that I would move closer to be with her and a bigger part of her life. As I consider going to sleep tonight, I do so with a sense of purpose. I am unemployed, overdrawn, and incredibly lonely. That has to end. My sense of purpose is practicing what I preach... to keep an unspoken "fuck-you" to the world... that with all the shit I've let happen in my life, I'll be damned if I let it get the better of me. Go ahead, world, give me your best fucking shot, and watch me get up again. I owe it to my children to be an example of persistence... I owe it to my students (of whom twenty or so remain in contact with me) to be the embodiment of the inspiration I once was as their teacher... but most of all I owe it to myself, to be able to lay on my deathbed in forty years to be proud of something I've done. This one coming up should be an interesting week. |