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The loneliness is getting to the point where I drift back over every relationship that I've had, considering what-if's. What if I had been together with Susan... would she still have died in a car wreck? What if I tried to steal Cheryl Anne away from Steve... would I have succeeded? What if I tried harder to chase after Joy... would we be happy? What if I stayed in California with Laura Jo? (I learned she's married now.) What if I swallowed my pride with Yvonne... would I have been all of the one man she was looking for in two? What if I was more patient while Jackie was in college... could we have been a serious couple? Two more what-if's pop up... one is dismissed, one not. The what-if about Debbie actually being loving or affectionate at all disappears with the thought that we had a beautiful daughter together. Debbie and I are best apart, there's no doubt about that, but there's also no daydreaming about us never being together because Catherine was the result. Then there's Kari. Fourteen months ago she was so happy... thirteen she wasn't. We had three fantastic, sexy, loving months together, then disaster struck from which I'm still reeling. Next week I'm due in court in Caledonia, Minnesota, for a child support hearing for a seven-month old son I've never met that, one, I have no way to attend, and two, I can't afford whatever judgement is pending. Catherine's child support is for just nine more years; along the way I'll watch her grow up and we'll have wonderful times with each other... for Dawson it's eightteen years of regret... eightteen years of lies his mother is going to tell of me.... That Kari wanted to have a baby there's no question. After two miscarriages with her ex, after a month of really great sex, she held her legs up in the air after every time we made love. I never saw a more beautiful expression by a woman, ever. Now I can only wonder if she had designed for me to be a sperm donor all along or if she really did love me and simply had a monstrously drastic change of heart. |