---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 18-04-2002 11:27 ---------------------------
To: Cynthia, Gollen, Branby
cc:
From: Esbester
Subject: The News v1.1
The Bruntfish Horological Gazette, Issue 1.1.
Loddis und Gentle-blancmange, hier sind das Faceball Resultatenska:
FEEKAL-BLOW CONFERENCE, DIVISION 2.4:
Capitoline Preachings 17, Memphis Ticklers 4.
Konica Expansionists 4, West Bromwich Albumen 7.
Uttoxeter Guardian 0, Excalibur Snort Design 2.
Umbilical Re-Attachment Procedure P, Wem P - Postponed due to wet face.
Poison Pen 5, Diseased Toffee Apple Corroborations 7.
Gather trots together and break forward in quartec formation, leaving Allegro battalion chewing leaves and feeling smaller than pipe cleaners. Napoleon didn’t know why - he asked Josephine:
“Why?” quoth fat boy.
“Because of the news, dearest,” replied fair Josephine.
Napoleon could only then be contented with toy windmills and full scale European invasions.
Leaving brunch aside, for a minute, ask yourself this - “whither Salford?”. Only those capable of answering using letters calibrated to imperial measurements will be considered. All other entries will be fed to anvils.
News digest, in BRIEF:
Fiat disease, say experts.
Uncle? Herds drop.
Birmingham.
Birmingham.
Local news.
Birmingham.
Cry actress buffalo impregnation.
Carbohydrate Branson locksmith.
Punctured blister 4x4 camaraderie.
Big Brother cheese industry wax.
This news digest was produced by the action of the tides.
“The Chillingdale Bruise Technique”
This procedure, first condemned to paper in 1782, is a technique recommended for the prevention of bruises caused by hamster wrestling. Available in full from Boothroyd & Weem publishing, £14.95. Reviews:
‘Startlingly relevant, considering its provenance,’ - Times Illiterary Supplement.
‘I was bruised, but with this technique I was healed within weeks!’ - Umbligneeay.
‘Untoward, yet strangely terrifying,’ - Oxpress.
‘Jam ... Statemanship? Orthography.’ - Dally Morror.
Harking back to earlier procedures, Dr. Samantha Lube was removed using a Pythagoras based technique.
“It’s like, well, having your face pushed through the back of your mouth with spoons, but in a gentle and smooth fashion,” said Professor C.H. Twatt, “it used the para-dimensionality of matter to reflect the physical into the logical and out the other side.”
Twatt was later found to made of sand, and the entire investigation was declared a farce. Dr. Lube was discovered impersonating a mouse, and sentenced to 2.51.
Rice.
Esbester
---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 18-04-2002 11:27 ---------------------------
To: Cynthia
cc:
From: Esbester
Subject: Just thought
Flappo,
Just had a thought - have you got a hotmail acccccrount?
Esbester
---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 18-04-2002 11:27 ---------------------------
Please respond to Cynthia
To: Esbester
cc:
Subject: Bo! Selecta
Deffing on yo' microphone, biach...
Dtcheeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaar!!
=========================================
---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 18-04-2002 11:27 ---------------------------
To: Cynthia
cc:
From: Esbester
Subject: Re: Bo! Selecta
?
Esbester
---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 18-04-2002 11:27 ---------------------------
Please respond to Cynthia
To: Esbester
cc:
Subject: Quite literally in the vale
Yo rudeboiy, don't be givin' me none o' yo' "?" !
On 15/06/2001 10:01:03 Esbester wrote:
> ?
>
> Esbester
>
>
> Cynthia on 15-06-2001 09:29:04
>
> Please respond to Cynthia
>
> To: Esbester
> cc:
> Subject: Bo! Selecta
>
>
>
>
> Deffing on yo' microphone, biach...
>
>
> Dtcheeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaar!!
>
> =========================================
>
---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 18-04-2002 11:27 ---------------------------
Please respond to Gollen
To: Esbester, Cynthia
cc:
Subject: RE: The News v1.1
I hold in my hand, at this exact second, two tickets for Chocky and the
Silver Mannequin Band at Earls Court on Tuesday 21st August... my God, I
think I've just come...!
Make, make, make before my mouth break, break, breaks! And my face? It's
sliding!!
Chewdon.
---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 18-04-2002 11:27 ---------------------------
Please respond to Cynthia
To: Gollen, Esbester
cc:
Subject: RE: The News v1.1
Don't gloat, thou stoat, lest I smash thy face such that it may never slide again!
Gretchen P.Wristflapper
Slide Sytems Manager
Snitchbank Felt Authorisation Ltd
3
Weymouth
Cowshire
---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 18-04-2002 11:27 ---------------------------
To: Gollen, Cynthia
cc:
From: Esbester
Subject: RE: The News v1.1
Dear Terminal Dave,
Take Chocky from hand and press firmly. Excrescence result? Then pour, with half hand facing North like lodestone and shoes with glove in. May also get Chocky & Silver day ticks for Slane Castle from Auctions posso. Unfortune = price, therefore Wells done with prior purchasement, forward planning & procurement. Legs eleven - Davro took the pigs.
Jeremiah.
Dear Emblemmatico,
Your spoons are not ready for collection yet, but have been tarnished with the blood of okapi. We clean, but we cry - never has so much scrubbing been perceived of before. So, for the mo, there is no spoon. Harald sagt, <<mein Kopf ist auf Kartoffeln macht>>, aber er ein Prick ist. The milk deliveries are going well; every morning I sally forth into the bright, crisp sunshine and lay gold tops upon the doorsteps of the populace. Occasionally I coil one off for good measure...
"Let it flow... breathe.... final push and then....pinch off!"
Pat couldn't clean up the mess, she thought it was real - she woke me up and asked if I knew anything about it. I stumbled, half asleep, into the corridor to see filthy brown prawns leading away from my door. The note was from Roger. I never met him.
Franco.
Podgeroo,
How's Bridget? I left her some notes but I think she must have shoved them up the dog's arse. You were asking the name of my daughter - let me ask you a question in return - "why?"
Ophelia G. Byrne.
Russ,
Have gone and done a very silly thing - went out last Saturday and bought a Korg D1600 16 track hard disc recorder with CD Writer. Idiot! Have already recorded 'definitive' version of Mouffe, with 3 (yes! 3!) keyboard tracks, drums, bass, two vocal tracks and SEVEN guitar tracks. Oh God. Here comes Prog Rock hell. Am currently working on dance remix of Heal Me, as housemate has keyboard with arpeggiator. So far have plunged horribly into Goth-Dance. How terrible. White faced goths throwing massive house shapes. Something to tell the kids, at least.
Will posso be able to participo in Radio Satto morningo, tho' may be half way up mountain in Snowdonio.
Have not yet got tickets for Mr. Dave 'Where's my pitch-bend?" Byrne, but will probably go.
Dear Shanklin,
We're having a great time here! Have you noticed how strangely terrifying, yet curiously attractive, that little piece of twisted skin joining sausages together is? Anyway, we gave the package to Theodore, like you said. He undid the piece of string and it exploded, tearing off half his face! We took a photo for posterity and tied it to Pedro's homing pigeon. Hopefully you'll get it before the end of the month. All in all, we're all having a good bag of fun.
Yours,
Beefy, Davro, Wan Ka, Kilburn, Ruthin, Rhys, Peddler, Agamemnon & Titch.
Dear Sir,
We note with great concern that you are dead. Please fill in the relevant forms to confirm this.
Yours faithfully,
Stapleton, Brotherhood and Wendover, Solicitors for the Dead.
Lieber Sven,
Wie geht's? Mir gehts gut. Was habst du fur deinen Fruhstuck gegessen? Ich habe ein GroB Tasse <<Liquidised Pig-Trotters TM>> getranken, weil ich das schmecken auf schinken im Morgen liebe. Jeden Tag besuche ich meinen GroBvater. Ich mochte Kase. Es gibt kein Kartoffeln.
TschuB!
Garro.
Dear Wheelbarrow-Man,
Please will you stop leaving the wheelbarrow on my drive! Every morning I try to reverse out of my drive to go to work, and your damn wheelbarrow is blocking my way! I wouldn't mind the occasional lapse of memory - it doesn't take that much effort to mmove it, but every morning! It has become a gross inconvenience!
Yours,
Frank Whistleton-Smythe.
F i didnt mean to do it im sorry next time i will move it .boffer.
Dear Boffer,
Although I must thank-you for the absence of wheelbarrow over the last three days, I had to once again move it this morning. It was made harder by the fact that it was tied to my bumper. May I ask why this was the case?
FRANK.
FRAK,
sorry i thought it were a carravan.
Spielen-Tag.
Dear Spielen-Tag,
Are you a different Wheelbarrow man to Boffer?? Why are you doing this to me?? This morning I found it full of plastic spiders!! Why? why why why??
Fank.
Dear Fank,
I don't know why it were full of spiders i didn't put them there.
Orthographer P Wilde.
Orfograffer P,
this morning i went to drive my car and couldn't move it because the wheelbarrow was in the way why did it have a model of an abattoir on it?
F.
Dear Mr. F,
I'm afraid I cannot explan the situation regarding the model of the abattoir. Please accept my sincere apologies. There will be a little something in the barrow for you tomorrow. We offer this as a token of our gratitude.
Franklin H Wetherspoon Ltd.
ltd! i found the dog in the barow thankyou thankyou i gave it to my wife she called it kilburn
Dear Sir,
We are grateful for your co-operation while the building works were taking place. Please accept this packet of glue with our most sincere thanks.
FHW Plc.
p where is my weelbaro you taked it away i wont my baro bak i wont i wont it bak now givvit bak givvit bak
And so on. Until we slide.
Goodnight.
Esbester
Mailpoint Jubile Goat.
---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 18-04-2002 11:27 ---------------------------
Please respond to Cynthia
To: Esbester
cc: Gollen
Subject: RE: The News v1.1
Flanby,
Thanks plus for your recent communicado. Mumsey was delighted. However, rumours are still rife that you may be involved with undesirable gardening groups. Please clarify within 3.
How's Faith? I hear she went on a hen night (cluck = +) with Hope and Charity - did they get biblical with Dave, Chris, and Felipe? They told me they were in the area, although they may have been lying, I don't know, I never heard of that sort of thing happening in Lytham St Annes...
Nonetheless, despite mouth malfunction, we speak, gamely inserting similes and even subjunctivos, puedo, in order to confuse the punters. They deserve no less. Incidentally, I seem to have mislaid several kilos of rare elk hide last time I saw you; have you come accross them at all? I would be most distressed to lose them as they were a present to Biffy to make up for the dogs, the dogs that kicked him in the face...
Whose face? My face? You must be kidding!
Duplicity of electronic communicados requires that I inquire (yes) whether you have, since being ensconced in your specially sterilised research cubicle, made acquaintance of any sort with a being, Catriona Masters pro-noma. I have recently (in the last 3, actually) perceived words emerging from the mouthy-verb hole of my new colleague to the effect that she is a former colleague thereof, thus creating a professional triangulation of which Pythagoras hymnself might conceivably be grudgingly aware.
Keep it down, you might need your legs at some point.
Yours (not mine)
Trocknen Mastico
A361
Approach of Tiverton (Eastern)
Hide, quick, before it sees us!
This 52nd day of Ricember 2001. (unconfirmed)
P.S. most impressed with news of Korgy-Korg, perhaps one day you might like to invert your own voice in the z-axis: I hear that's one of the digital effects they included in the latest version.
Pixelise my face and call me Geoff!