August

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

To: Cynthia

cc:

From: Esbester

Subject: OY. Moulded Mit Cheeso

blanfamdamer,

i have updatd mi websit i hop you do the same withyouz otherwize ill get the boyz down to deel with you.

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

Please respond to Cynthia

To: Gollen, Esbester

cc:

Subject: By the way

Flapping strongly, attached to a lamp post by means of string, I was within a chimp's pecker of forgetting to tell you, utterly, that although the supply of silly company names appears to have run out, I have nonetheless this week come accross a Director of Communication called Valerie Cretin.

Stick that in your 1996 Rover 400 and smoke it!

Blam. Blam. Blam, blam, blam, blam, blam.

Koopna

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

Please respond to Cynthia

To: Esbester

cc: Gollen

Subject: Re: OY. Moulded Mit Cheeso

Now look here Chesney, I've seen your miserable excuse for a wheb-cyte, and I sincerely hope those horroscopes weren't based on reeole people. The truth will not be tolerated around here!

Stroke The Gibbon will be done just as soon as I do it. I can't say any more than that (my mouth has expired - verbalisation - - )

No go and eat some fish.

Gichum

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

To: Cynthia, Gollen

cc:

From: Esbester

Subject: Re: By the way

It's a 1997 Rover 400, deffo.

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

Please respond to "Gollen" <Gollen>

To: Cynthia, Esbester

cc:

Subject: RE: By the way

Hey Fantaro and Fisticle!

I thought that I maaaay let you know that I utterly just rang the

National Trust to speak to their Regional Executive Officer in West

Sussex regarding some money they want. Luckily for me the phone wasn't

answered because I was ringing to tell him we've already paid and when

he asked me who has the remittance, which he inevitably would, I would

have read the name Robert Wanker off the payment form! I don't think his

name is actually Robert Wanker but it sure looks that way...

Hope slide = slide and chewing isn't finished, here, have your dog back.

Pandemeno

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

To: "Gollen" <Gollen>, Cynthia

cc:

From: Esbester

Subject: Just remembered

I woz wotching a televisual presentation be-named 'Velvet Soup', being a sketch-based comedic construct. Contained within said unit of programming, a sketch in Dentist. Female dentist finishes examination upon male patient.

"Is it all okay?" he asks.

"Yes. Now, have you checked recently for bumteeth?"

"Eh?"

"They're small sets of teeth that grow from anal gums. Some people get them. Have you noticed any?"

"Erm..."

"It's easy enough to check for them. Simply take a carrot, and insert it. Withdraw, and check for chomp marks."

"Ah..."

"Anyway, everything's fine. Bye now."

And I'm not lying. I think it's evil plagiarism.

Phoon,

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

Please respond to Cynthia

To: Gollen, Esbester

cc:

Subject: Good God

I've just seen this written in a query...

"All the rics now have the correct expiry syntax and a status of D."

Not only that, but D Interactive have just increased their capital by 1 and a half million shares - we were only expecting 2.51. It's the invasion of the D! It chews! I'm scared! Make it stop!

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

To: Cynthia, Gollen

cc:

From: Esbester

Subject: Re: Good God

A status of D? Flocculent & truculent. Deviouslessnessness excepting without and within. Quadrospazzed on a life-glug? Ask for the zeb-er-ra. Must gosh. Thurston Lowe is back again.

Obvious, obvious, obvious. Damn them

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

Please respond to "Gollen" <Gollen>

To: Esbester, Cynthia

cc:

Subject: RE: Good God

Geenfeegious? What is it that you speak of so flatulently? Is it the

plate shaped face units on those bloody giraffes? So, Conqwadded, what

of your interactive D? It has become more active at a rate of 3?? Does

this mean you are engaging in D-interactive scenarios decided by a 3-day

rotational system involving cans of flint and a dry vinyl? Interesting

system, I usually let the dice decide (Liam et al., 1998). The last time

the dice instructed me to either paint my D blue with special paint,

completely sealing off the end probably leading to rupturing, or to

abstain for the next 3. I chose the latter (see page 5). Actually the 3

to which is being mouthed is only 3 in D terms - meaning almost entirely

nothing given that there is no point of reference. Had I said 'My D was

last interactive 3 ago, and will not be interactive for another 3' you

get some idea of time scale. Unfortunately, my D wasn't interactive 3

ago, it was more like 7! Using the Ventricle D-Time Conversion System

(VDTCS) devised by Hulme (1988) we can see that 3 and 7 both cancel each

other out meaning that either my D is constantly interactive or never

interactive. I will be presenting these findings to the board on the 3rd

at 3.00. The report will be published at a later date and there are

plans for a mobile exhibition and soft drinks adverstising campaign.

What is that ghastly smell...?

Cellulose.

PS. I tried removing all the hard bits and sharp edges from this message

but if it causes significant chafing let me know and I'll delete it from

my end - my bell end.

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

Please respond to Cynthia

To: Gollen, Esbester

cc:

Subject:

Hey, Mivvi!

What's... the latest? Made with mouth to slurp bevules plus last night, I am now feeling somewhat like a dog without legs. My face has expanded to the size and shape of a seagull and my D appears to have expired. Or it may have fallen off, I got the last service done at Kwik Fit and I'm not sure they tightened the bolts correctly. Next time I might go for the welded option - I heard the pain stops after 2...

Sliding, I perceive that my cloth machine has seized. Perhaps I will oil the mousy disc-splitter with essence of broad beans, that'll show them who to tangle with (and without)! Please make to complete the enclosed pro-forma and send it to us, having first made big with photocopier to enlarge it to 1 million percent. A special envelope is included for this - it has four corners but only 3 sides! Milton and Verdigris suggested octagonal, so we had to shoot them. Please do not use blue ink, someone has to read it you know! We tried training stapling machines to do it, but alas without success or fridge magnets.

No tengo perros, senor. Take the eggy-weggies and transfer to Bromsgrove, taking care not to invert without first checking the tungsten connectors. Incorrect inversion may lead to explosion (boom = +)

Are you utterly making with work? 3 per hour is about all I can run to today - my brain is working at half capacity today (that's about the same capacity as a brace of special leather satchels in a vom-inducing shade of blue)

Look out for the dot com market, experts predict that it will implode within 3. If you look at the sky you might even be able to see it, if the night is utterly with clearness + (cloud - -). Using a special conical telescope will help you perceive it - it should look a bit like a small reptiloid handle-snatch.

Take me to your tea towel...

Blag-mouth Fisher, making at speed...

Dave

=========================================

Dave Davis - Strategic Horse Advisor

Chockton & Hardshout plc

1 Mill Street, Greater Davestone DS1 9DD

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

To: Cynthia, Gollen

cc:

From: Esbester

Subject: Re:

Dot-com market? Schmessels, more like. It imploded about 3.6 ago (+/- 3.2), and now resembles a small, shiny black pea. I put it in my pocket and took it to work. I showed it to Marilyn.

"What's that?" she quothed off.

"The dot-com market," said I, hurriedly stuffing it in a jacket vestibule, in case of Sniping Roger, the office wetboy.

I felt reassured by its weight, and spent a long time stroking it in the meeting with Paul, Alan, Fisty and Michelle. At one point they asked me a question.

"What are you stroking?" they asked.

"The dot-com market," I replied, showing them the schwarzy-bauble, "in stock-explode and share-meltdown, when felt like stuck in ever repeating sack, multiplying like a hell of SAT, then see. Oh ye unbelievers, see - for this is where the money compresses to a spacenut."

They swiftly moved on to the next agenda-component.

At lunchtime I sat on the grass with Mitsy, the company whore. After she had finished with my shoes, I fished out my reflective dark globe.

"What's that?" pondered she, with eyes wide as the Clyde Estuary.

"The dot-com market," I retorted, "like inky world-hole, into which fall cash and futures like so many pints of piss, sucked through and voided to become nought but a tarmacky mess. An old man's sandwich."

I got through the afternoon without Sniping Roger finding me, and struggled home with the eggboxes my wife had asked me to source from the council. As I stepped through the door, I checked my pocket. It was still there.

"Ah, it's still there," I said out loud.

"What is?" asked my dear wife.

"The dot-com market," I informed her, whilst passing her the black orb, "the technical financiastrophe, tearer down of numbers like brick, ruiner of venture capitalists and now nought but a pretty obsidianesque marble."

"You're a complete twat," she said, throwing the teddy bear's eye in the bin.

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

Please respond to "Gollen" <Gollen>

To: Cynthia, Esbester

cc:

Subject: RE:

DAVIS. CLEARLY you are experiencing MOUTH functionality problems today.

Please RECTIFY within 1, for this is ENTIRELY intolerable. What do YOU

mean 'capitalisation'? Are your EYES incorrectly adjusted again? Now,

flannel beater, I am untoward without a face to shout with and utterly

unable to do anything about the reversed sphincter. Now if you would

just stop shouting maybe we can see about those horses... And the

photocopier? Unfortunately it only has an enlargement faculty which

operates on a sliding scale which is completely unfathomable by anyone

with less than 4 brains. Suffice to say that a various stages during the

copying process the enlargement factor changes in a seemingly

unpredictable way.

Chewing

Horses

hOy

Clothy

beaK

biTch

Oil

News

hAm

flaNnel

Dementia

Honky

gAve

youR

padDock

Shoulders

Ham

bistrO

sUggestive

moisTure

Not wanting to concern you in any way, but I just made with observing a

large group of pigeons flapping their wings with intention of beating

the air! What's the air going to do about it, that's what I want to

know.

Davis - this is an important message for you - you remember that plastic

carrier bag, you know, the one with the badger on it, well I'm very

sorry but the bag seems to have suffered severe 'necking' around the

handles. I don't know how this could have happened. I only took the bag

out once and I certainly didn't put anything in it. It is possible that

Judith used is for the groceries (of the variety eaten by mouth) -

possibly for a means of their transportation. I noticed that she had

purchased some Welsh Mega-Broccoli and certainly think that the bag

handles would have suffered considerably if she brought it back by means

of the carrier. I know how much the bag meant to you and that I was only

borrowing it for about 3 whilst the trail was going on. It was insured,

however, so we should be able to get it fixed, utterly, only the excess

is 7 million pounds...

Let me know when and you can have the dogs back. If you want their legs

too it'll cost 3 extra.

Now I have to go, my clothy workload-bitch has reared its ugly head

since I have been typing this messagism and it won't go away.

Moundfipp Tripledog

Acquisitions Dept.

Chockton & Hardshout plc.

Ricebridge Branch

3 The Street

Ricebridge

Sussex

(020) - Direct Line

(020) - Switchboard

(020) - Fax

(020) - Liams' Teeth

visit the C&H website at www.gofuckyourselfwithapedestal.com

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

To: Cynthia, Gollen

cc:

From: Esbester

Subject: Hoy?

** ** ******** ** ** **

****** ** ** ** ** **

****** ** ** **** **

** ** ** ** ** **

** ** ******** **

** ** ******** ** **

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

Please respond to Cynthia

To: Esbester

cc:

Subject: Re: Hoy?

0 0 0 0 000000 00000 000

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

0 0 0 000000 000000 0 0

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

=========================================

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

To: Cynthia, Gollen

cc:

From: Esbester

Subject: Re: Hoy?

I said

*** *** ************ *** *** ***

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

********* *** *** ****** ***

********* *** *** ***** ***

********* *** *** **** ***

*** *** *** *** **** ***

*** *** *** *** ****

*** *** ************ **** ***

Deaf git.

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

Please respond to Cynthia

To: Esbester

cc:

Subject: Re: READ, cut n'paste and fill in!

I warned you about Blasney's Chepstow Pewter-speak tendencies, well it's becoming more worrying! Would you care to perform a diagnosis on this? It was part of a questionnaire she filled in the other day:

> 7. Pets: One bouffant haired dog(Oscar as in Wilde hair cut), 3 Gorillas, one mean (Delroy), one cute (Benny) and one with enormous red underpants and boxing gloves on (Gaz) , one very fat sheep rescued from Germany called Kevin (who is that fat he has no legs) and one graduate hedgehog complete with mortar board and certificate (no name).

By the way, I think you ought to know I processed a report this morning with a massive picture of a lizard on the cover!!

Beep.

========================================

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

Please respond to Cynthia

To: Esbester, Gollen

cc:

Subject: Flippancy of electronque mayoll

Grettings, cretins all...

I think you should know that the findings of the focus group are in: they advocate 2 bonsai spaniels locked in a dolls house for a length of time not longer than 3. The answer will be formulated from the quotient of piss over acceleration. I have flippancy today, being utterly shattered (like a twig under the foot of a fat b*stard) and lacking with sleep. Caramel.

Anyrod, what's... the latest? If you two flappers hadn't sent me that dead fish head impaled on a coathanger through the post, I'd utterly make with thinking you'd disappeared entirely from the planet! What with the current jam blackout I'd forgive you for having a bit of a twizzler, but it's really getting a bit thick now (thickness > 3 - that's about the same as a breeze block).

I spoke to Freddy yesterday. The doctors are working hard but he still looks remarkably like a fire extinguisher... none too comfortable for him I'm sure, and you should see him piss! The urinal was decimated - luckily one of the farmers had a spare ampersand handy and was able to effect a temporary repair, but it could disintegrate at any moment. I have to say the sheer pressure of it was amazing: enough to knock down a goat at twenty paces! In fact the jet went straight through the wall, accross the road, through several medium sized family saloons, and into Boots. Half of Chockton High Street was flooded. I just hope no one mistakes him for a real fire extinguisher and tries to squeeze the handles - it could be nasty...!

I also had some improvements carried out to my legs yesterday: they are now fitted with air conditioning, coathooks, and a special alarm. It honks like a dog if anyone tries to steal my knees.

Pies everywhere...

Keep making,

Gino

=========================================

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

Please respond to Cynthia

To: Esbester, Gollen

cc:

Subject:

**************** ****

**** **** ****

**** ****

**************** ****

(and don't you bloody well forget it.)

=========================================

---------------------- Forwarded by Esbester on 25-04-2002 11:57 ---------------------------

Please respond to Cynthia

To: Esbester, Gollen

cc:

Subject: Darwinism gone gasho!!

We are, today, bored with plus, and have discovered the following.

Take a look at www.altai.fr/indexfr.html for some very intriguing hybrids...

Thine eyes will utterly cease to command credence!

AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAHH! (Up octaves? Up Philippa Forrester's trousers, more like!)

F-A-B

=========================================