Here, direct from the home office in Charlotte, NC are
The Top Ten Worst Opening Lines of All Time:
#10 - You look like a hooker I knew in Phoenix.
#9 - You remind me of my dead ex-girlfriend.
#8 - If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
#7 - You look just like my mama. I love my mama.
#6 - Gross! Somebody farted. Let's get out of here.
#5 - Hey, baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?
#4 - So... is it safe to say I'm gonna get lucky tonight?
#3 - You'll do.
#2 - Wow! Are those real?
And the #1 worst opening line of all time:
"Gee, for a fat girl, you sure don't sweat much."
One day a sergeant came back home and said to his wife: Everything has changed in the army. From now on, he added, we are free to follow the orders of our officers and we can discuss the matters with them. His wife answered: That is in the army. Here at home none of that. Get up and wash the dishes!
Two monkeys were sitting in a tree and two lions were sleeping below them. One monkey said to the other monkey "I dare you to go down there and kick one of those lions in the rear end." The other monkey said o.k. I'll go down there and kick him in the rear end as hard as I can. So he goes down the tree and kicks the lion as hard as he can and takes off swinging through the trees. The lion starts to chase him. He keeps getting closer, and closer until the monkeys thinks "Man I better do something quick or that lion is going to eat me for lunch. So he keeps swinging until the lion is pretty far behind him and he sees a newspaper lying on the ground. So he picks it up and starts to read it. All of a sudden the lion catches up to him and says, "Did you see a monkey run by here?" The monkey goes, "You mean the one that kicked that lion in the rear end?" And the lion says,"Dang it was in the paper already?"
A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head. "There" says the vet,� Your hamster is dead". Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head. "It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. "That will be �1000, please". "A �1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man. "Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan".
Bill, Hillary and Vice President Gore were on their way back to Washington on Air Force One, when Bill said " I'd like to drop a $100 bill out of the plane and make one person very happy". Hillary thought for a moment then replied "I�d rather drop ten, $10 bills out and make ten people very happy". To which Vice President Gore said " I would drop a hundred $1 bills out and make a hundred people very happy". The pilot then spoke up and said " Why don't all three of you jump out and make 250 million people very happy?"
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car. "What's the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother. Johnny replied: "that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home...I just want her to stay with you guys."
One day two blondes were reading a news paper there was an add for a police job intrigued by the job they decided to go try out when they got there the second blonde got kind of scared and told the first blonde to go first and if she did good the she said she would try. So the first blonde went in and went to try out the sheriff saw her coming and thought whoa she is really blond I�ll go easy on her. So first he asked her whats 1 plus 1 she put her hands together and said 11 he said well if you look at it like that ok next what are two days of the week that start with 't' she said well today and tomorrow she said. Well ok now the last question who kill J.F.K she stared blankly for a while than said that�s going to take awhile she left and the other blonde asked how�d it go. Oh it was fine he asked me a couple questions and I got them all rite. He�s already assigned me to a homicide!
