Part II – Princess Laina Strikes Back

 

Day 37

 

          Sometimes I absolutely hate that idiot Han.  Actually, I always hate him, but some days he’s worse then others.  He must think I’m stupid or something!  He has some crazy notion that I have some weird crush on him or something like that.  I mean, even another idiot even more idiotic then himself would never like that stupid, brainless little twerp.

          Like today for example.  I was minding my own business when I over heard that he was leaving to go pay Jabba the Hutt his money.  I was actually kind of glad about that, but I hated to see him go because he has proved himself to be useful to us.

          After he was done talking to General Rieekan, he came over to me and said, “Well, your highness, I guess this is it.”

          “Yeah, that’s right,” I agreed.

          He stared at me for a second then said with a sarcastic tone of voice, “Well, don’t get all mushy on me.  So long, Princess.”  He walked out of the command center, and for some reason I decided to follow him.

          “Han!” I called after him. 

He turned around to face me.  “Yes, your highness?”

          “Not like I care, but I thought you decided to stay.”

          He shrugged.  “Well, the bounty hunter we ran into on Ord Mantell changed my mind.”

          “You know, the rest of the people need you.” Couldn’t he get that the rebels could use an extra fighter?

          “The rest of the people?” He sounded as if I was forgetting something.

          “Yeah…” What was I forgetting?

          “Oh, what about what you need?”  What was he talking about? 

          Mystified, I said, “Me?  I’ve got everything that I could possibly want.  I have no idea to what else I could possibly need!”

          Han shook his head. “You probably don’t.”

          “And what exactly am I supposed to need that I don’t already have?”  I was practically yelling at him by this time.

          “Come on!  You want me to stay because of the way you feel about me.”

          “Okay, so you may be a jerk, but you are a good leader for the rebels.” Why I said that, I didn’t know, but I figured it would get him to forget about the stupid debt that he owed Jabba.  Although, the jerk part was very appropriate.

          “No.  That’s not it. Come on.”  He paused then repeated, “Come on.”

          I stared at him, understanding what he was trying to get across.  I laughed.  “You’ve either got a sick mind, or you’ve got some wild imagination.  Then again, maybe you have both.”

          “Do I?  Then why are you following me?  Afraid I was going to leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?” He stepped toward me, as if he was actually going to give me one.

          I backed up and rolled my eyes.  “I’d rather kiss a wookiee.  Or maybe one of those evil Wampa Ice Creatures.  Or better yet, one of those horrifyingly smelly Tauntauns.”

          “I can arrange that,” he said and angrily walked away.  Then he stopped and said, “By the way, you don’t know half of how bad those Tauntauns smell.”  I guess he remembered that he was supposed to be mad at me, and stomped off.

          I just stood there for a second, trying to decide if he could actually be as uncool as he was being.  I was one of the most powerful people in the entire universe, and he thought I, of all people, had a crush on him.  What a twerp!

          A while later I realized that Luke still wasn’t back.  I kept trying to get Han on the communicator, but he wouldn’t answer.  Either that or he turned it off.  Eventually, someone must have told him, because I couldn’t find him anywhere. 

          Then it happened.  I went to my room to clean up all the junk I had left on the floor.  But when I got there, everything was soaking wet.

          “What happened?!!!!”  I yelled. 

          A bunch of people came running.  They all peered into the room, half hiding.

          “Which one of you insolent idiots did this?”

          All of them shook their heads and backed away until only two people were left.

          Not people.  Droids.  R2-D2 and C-3PO were standing there, looking very scared.

          “I…I m-merely commented th-that your room was f-freezing,” C-3PO stuttered.

          I sighed in disgust. “Well, then you’ll just have to clean all this up, won’t you?”

          C-3PO nodded.  “Yes Mistress Laina, R2 and I will clean the mess up immediately.”  Then he turned to R2-D2. “I told you not to warm up her room.  Now look what you got us into.”

          Later on, Chewie and I waited by entrance. One of the lieutenants was speaking to Major Derlin.  He said that all the patrols were in and that there was no sign of Luke or Han.  Then C-3PO turned to me and said, “Mistress Laina, R2-D2 says that he has been quite unable to pick up any signals, although he does admit that his own range is far to weak to abandon all hope.”

          I nodded and Major Derlin said, “Your Highness, there’s nothing more we can do tonight. The shield doors must be closed.”  He turned to the lieutenant and commanded him to close the shield.

          As the lieutenant walked away, Chewie let out this mournful howl. 

          “Oh, shut up,” I muttered. “You’re making the whole situation completely and unnecessarily hopeless.  They’re gonna be okay.”

          “R2 says that the chances of survival are seven-hundred seventy-five…to one,” C-3PO informed me.

           “Let’s just hope Luke gets back here safely,” I stated.  “There’s still a chance.”

          Chewie looked at me and made a loud growl.  I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, yeah, Han too.” I crossed my fingers behind my back.

 

Day 38

 

          Today was no better then yesterday.  Luke and Han got rescued and were brought back early this morning.  When I went to see Luke in the recovery room, Han was there too.  As I entered, he gave me a big, devilish grin.

          “Well, your Worship, it looks like you managed to keep me around for a little while longer.” 

          Smirking, I replied, “I had nothing to do with it.  General Rieekan thinks it’s dangerous for any ships to leave the system until we have activated the energy shield.”

          “That’s a good story.  I think you just can’t bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your sight.”

          Gorgeous?  Him?  Yeah right!  I almost laughed out loud.  “I don’t know where you get your delusions.”  Then under my breath I muttered, “Idiot.”

          Obviously, Chewie was amused.  He laughed, as well as a wookiee could laugh.  Han was definitely enjoying himself; so he said to Chewie, “Laugh it up, fuzz ball!  But you didn’t see us alone in the south passage.”  He paused to look at me, and gave Luke enough time to become interested. “She expressed her true feelings for me.”

          “Yeah,” I agreed.  “I kicked your sorry little butt!”

          C-3PO suddenly started a long, boring speech on something I wasn’t prepared to listen to.  I groaned. “I’m really not in the mood right now, if you don’t mind.”

          Han tried to be cool and take my side.  “Yeah, you’re just a worthless piece of trash.”

          “Look who’s talking!” I growled angrily.  “He’s better then you in more ways then your pipsqueak brain can imagine.  Let’s see, he’s smarter then you, he’s more useful then you, and, oh yeah, better looking then you!”

          C-3PO turned to me in amazement. “Why, Your Highness, I didn’t realize you felt that way…”

          I presented him with one of the nastiest looks I possibly could. “Don’t think so.  You may be better then him, but not by much.  And besides,” I made a face.  “You do belong in the junk pile.”

          Han got back to being a pain-in-the-butt, as usual. But there was a change in the tone of his voice.  “Yeah, well, how bad am I?”

          “Han, the most foul words in the universe put together wouldn’t come even close to describing how bad you are.”

I didn’t have time to say more because over the loudspeaker came, “Headquarters personnel, report to command center.” 

A few seconds later, Han and I were with General Rieekan.  His news to us was, “We’ve picked up something outside the base in zone twelve, moving east.”  Then one of the senior controllers informed us that it was metal.

“Then it couldn’t be one of the fat and ugly ice creatures that attacked Luke,” I realized.

“It could be a speeder, one of ours,” Han suggested.

“No, wait.  There’s something very weak coming through.”  C-3PO listened to the signal intently for a few seconds.

“Sir,” he finally said. “I am fluent in six million forms of communication.  This signal is not used by the Alliance.  It could be an Imperial code.”

Han raised an eyebrow.  “It isn’t friendly, whatever it is.” He motioned to Chewie. “Come on, let’s check it out.”

“Send Rouges ten and eleven to station three-eight,” Rieekan commanded someone standing near by.

About half an hour later, General Rieekan and I were listening to Han over the comlink.  “Afraid there’s not much left.”

“What was it?”

“A droid of some kind.  I didn’t hit it that hard.  It must have had a self-destruct.”

“Stupid imperial probe droid,” I muttered.

“It’s a good bet the Empire knows were here.”

General Rieekan looked at me. “We’d better start the evacuation.”

The next thing I knew, I was briefing a group of pilots, who, by the way, were again wearing their ridiculous orange outfits.  I almost burst out laughing, but there were other things that had to be done.  “All troop carriers will assemble at the north entrance.  The heavy transport ships will leave as soon as they are loaded.  Only two fighter escorts per ship.  The energy shield can only be open for a short period of time, so you’ll have to stay very close to your transports.” What I was saying, I had no clue, but the pilots seemed to get it.

One of the pilots interrupted me.  “Two fighters against a Star Destroyer?”

“What are you?  Some kind of wimp?  I could get past those uncool idiots in any circumstance!”

“I was just asking…”

“WELL DON’T!!!”  I regained my cool and went on where I had left off.  “The ion cannon will fire lots of shots to make sure that any enemy ships will be out of your flight path.  When you’ve gotten past the energy shield, proceed directly to the rendezvous point.  Got it?”

Everyone nodded and I wished them, “Good luck.  Now go!  Come on, move, move, MOVE!!!  And don’t do anything that might cause me to think you are stupid!  Actually, forget that statement, because I already KNOW that you’re stupid.” But by this time, everyone was gone.

“Fine,” I grumbled.  “Be that way.”

After that it was complete chaos.  I was running around (just like those dumb pilots SHOULD be doing) making sure no one being stupid.  We couldn’t afford to let anything go wrong.

Then I glanced for a second at the screen that showed what was going on outside.  “Oh my gosh!” I suddenly exclaimed.

“What is it?” everyone around me asked.

“Imperial walkers,” I groaned.  “I HATE those things.”

“We need to evacuate the other transports still,” General Rieekan said.  “But I don’t think we can protect two transports at a time.”

“I know, but that’s probably our only choice.  I mean will you just look at the ceiling!” Everyone looked up to see chunks of ice falling down.

I shuddered. “It’s worse then I thought.  All you guys can think about is ‘How much can I annoy the princess?’  I’m breaking my nails, and all you can do is poke along like a fat slug.  Why don’t you people make yourself useful?  Evacuate the rest of the ground staff, now!”

C-3PO and I were working near the control boards, when suddenly Han appeared.

“Are you all right?” he asked me.

“What are you doing here?” I demanded without answering his question.

“I heard that the command center had been hit,” was his excuse.

Sure, I thought.  I didn’t buy it for a second. “Didn’t we tell you it was okay to leave?”

He stepped back a little. “Don’t worry, I’ll leave.  First, I’m going to get you to your ship.”

“Your highness, we must take this last transport, it’s our only hope.”

Suddenly a blast hit the command center, and threw everyone around.  Poor C-3PO got thrown into Han’s arms.  I snickered, until the evil noise emerged.

Out of Han’s (uncool) mouth came a loud, high-pitched scream.  C-3PO covered his ears and tried to say something that was impossible to hear.  I didn’t say anything, but tried to keep a serious face on.

It didn’t work.  I eventually stopped laughing when over the loudspeaker came, “Imperial troops have entered the base.”

Han suddenly stopped screaming, and left all of us with our ears ringing.  “Come on…that’s it!” He started to look impatient.

I turned to everyone in the command center. “Okay, listen up!  Get everyone out of here right now!  I mean it!” I didn’t even have time to take a breath when Han froze up and looked around with a scared look on his face.  I rolled my eyes and shoved him out of the command center, just as some more ice fell from the ceiling.  As we ran down the hall, we heard C-3PO yelling to us, “Oh!  Wait for me!”

Suddenly in front of us there was a huge explosion.  Han screamed again, but this time it was more tolerable.  He got over it, then grabbed me and pushed me against the wall.  “What are you doing?” I hissed.

He ignored me and pulled out his comlink. “Transport, this is Solo.  Better take off; I can’t get to you.  I’ll take the princess on the Falcon with me.”

“What are you talking about?  You can’t take me on there!” I protested.  “I refuse to go!  You can’t make me.”

“Fine,” he said.  “Stay here and die if you want to.”

“At least I wouldn’t have to see your ugly, disgusting, and filthy face anymore,” I yelled.  Then I added, “And I wouldn’t have to hear you scream like an idiotic, ditzy girl.”

He looked me straight in the eye, almost hurt that I would call him that.  He’s got problems, because if that’s all he thinks I can say, he’s WAY off.  I could be meaner, but I was saving my comments.

Getting partially over the fact that I was being mean, he said, “Shut up, you’re coming whether you like it or not,” he said.  He grabbed me again and pulled me down the hallway.  I tried to break free, but his grip was too tight.

“Let go of me you little twerp!” I yelled.

“Why should I?”  He tightened his grip even more, if that was possible.

We ran to the main hanger where the Falcon was, with C-3PO still lagging behind.  We boarded the ship and Han yelled to him, “Hurry up, or you’re going to be a permanent resident!”

“I wish you could be a permanent resident.  Wouldn’t that be a wonderful day for the universe,” I muttered.

When we were finally all on board, Han flipped some switches on a control panel.  “How’s this?” he asked Chewie.  Chewie shook his head and made a loud noise.

“Would it help if I got out and pushed?” I asked sarcastically.

“It might.”

 Then C-3PO came clanking in.  “Uh, Captain Solo, might I suggest that you…”

We cut him off by glaring at him.  He stepped back and said, “It can wait.”

Eventually we all moved to the cockpit, where the Royal Idioticness took more time flipping the switches.

I was getting impatient. “This stupid thing’s never going to get us past this blockade!”

“This baby’s got a few surprises left in her, sweetheart.”

I glared at the back of his head.  What right does he have to call me that?  “I am going to be so happy when someone gets you back for all this.  And I am going to have front row seats so I can laugh in your ugly and uncool little stupid face.”

Chewie made an angry noise at me.  “Just because he’s your friend doesn’t mean everyone is going to like him,” I informed the big fuzz ball. “So learn to live with it.”

All of us turned and looked as a whole herd of S.T.s came piling in to the hanger.  I looked at Han with a devastated look.  “Hurry up!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll take care of them,” he said, pushing some buttons.

“Like you always do, right?”  I rolled my eyes.  “Just do me a favor.  Don’t deafen them with your dumb scream.  That may get rid of them, but it wouldn’t exactly make me happy.”

I looked at the S.T.s again.  They were setting up some weapon. I didn’t know what it was, but it looked like it would do good damage to the ship.

Then suddenly the S.T.s went flying in all directions.  Chewie kept firing at them until most of them were dead.

“Come on! Switch over. Let’s just hope we don’t have a burnout.”  Han looked at Chewie as he started to flip some more switches.  Suddenly a laser hit the window near him.  He let out a loud wookiee noise and pulled back a lever.  The engine started.

Han grinned at me. “See?”

I shook my head.  “Someday you’re going to be wrong, and I hope I’m there to see it.”

We took off, leaving the stupid S.T.s coughing our dust.  Well, actually it’s more like coughing our snow, but who cares?

A little bit later, Han exclaimed, “I saw them! I saw them!”

“Saw what?”

“Two Star Destroyers, coming right at us!”

From behind, there was more banging as C-3PO came into the cockpit.  “Sir, might I suggest…”

“Shut him up or shut him down!” Han yelled back at me.

“Like you’ve said a million and one times,” I replied, “I don’t take orders from anyone but me!”

He ignored me and said to Chewie, “Oh great!  Well, we can still outmaneuver them.”

The Falcon suddenly took a steep dive, straight down.  I would have flown into the air, if I hadn’t grabbed on to the back of Han’s seat.

“Don’t do that again!” I screamed. “You could have killed me!”

“Prepare to make the jump to light speed,” he said to Chewie.

“But sir!” C-3PO looked frantic.

“They’re getting closer!” I yelled.

“Oh yeah? Watch this!”

I looked out the window expecting to see stars zooming past us.  But I saw nothing.

“Watch what?”  I rolled my eyes impatiently.

Han tried making the jump to light speed again.  Nothing happened.  He made a small gulping noise.  “I think we’re in trouble.”

“It seriously doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.”  Then I added, “Anyway, gulp all you want, just don’t scream.”  (Yeah, yeah, I’m going to have to tease him about that until the day he dies.)

“If I may say so sir, I noticed earlier the hyperdrive motivator has been damaged.  It’s impossible to go to light speed!”

Han got this horribly scared look on his face.  “We’re definitely in trouble.”

Then I couldn’t hold it in any longer.  “YOU LITTLE TWERP!  IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! NOW WE’RE GOING TO DIE, THANKS TO YOU!”

“Cool it, I’ll think of something.”  He started looking franticly looking at all the buttons, trying to figure out what was wrong.

I groaned.  Why do I have to do everything myself?  I grabbed C-3PO and ran out of the cockpit.

As I started to fix the stupid hyperdrive, I grumbled many things that were even unintelligible to me.  That’s what happens when I get mad.  I can’t even understand myself.

Okay, I’ve met stupid people before in my life.  In fact, almost all the people on Alderaan were stupid.  And how convenient, they all got blown up, courtesy of me.

But none of them even came close to matching Han’s stupidity.  He was so stupid that I was starting to hallucinate and hear alarms in my head.

Wait a second!  C-3PO looked dumbly around and said, “What is that awful noise?”

I groaned again.  “What did he do this time?” I rushed back up to the cockpit to see asteroids hurling past us.

“Gosh, what’s wrong with you?  I leave you alone for a second, and this is what happens.”

“I-I can explain,” he stuttered.  “They’d be crazy to follow us.”

I didn’t buy it.  It was a lame excuse for endangering our lives.  “You don’t have to impress me.  It isn’t a very good idea, because you’ll probably kill all of us!”

“Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating through an asteroid field is approximately three thousand, seven hundred and twenty to one!”

          Han glared at C-3PO.  “Never tell me the odds!”

          I had never sat this still in my entire life.  I sat, looking out the window, about as still as you could get.  If I survived this, the first thing I would do would be to kick Han hard, then throw him into some evil beast’s pit, so he would be eaten.  An idiot who can put the life of another person in danger and not feel even slightly worried deserves to be punished in that way.

          “You said you wanted to be around when I made a mistake; well, this could be it, sweetheart.”

          “Call me that again, and you will definitely regret it, if we get out of here alive.” I shuddered. “We are going to get pulverized if we stay out here much longer.  And it’s all your fault!”  Then I smiled.  “I know!”

          “What?” everyone asked.

          “That scream of yours would be enough to blow the big ones to pieces.”

          Chewie looked at Han in confusion.  Han darted his eyes nervously around and said, “She’s making a joke.”  I grinned happily at the fact that I was making him nervous.

          Everyone looked at the window at the asteroids racing by.  “Well, anyway, about what you said about getting pulverized, I can’t argue with that.”  Han got a determined look on his face. “I’m going in closer to the big ones.”

          “Closer?”

          “Closer?!”

          Chewie said the same word, only louder and in wookiee language.

          “Can’t anyone come up with anything original?  It truly shows your intelligence, to just repeat every single thing I say.  Isn’t this wonderful?  I’m stuck on a ship full of suicidal maniacs and uneducated morons!”

          Then Han nudged Chewie.  “There.  That one looks pretty good.”

          “What looks pretty good?”

          “Yeah, that will be perfect.”

          “What will be perfect?!  Just because you’re shouting out ‘mysterious’ commands, it doesn’t make you look any smarter.”

          C-3PO tapped me on the shoulder.  “Excuse me, ma’am, but where are we going?”

          “Don’t ask me!  Ask that jerk at the controls!”  I glared at the back of Han’s head.  I then looked out the window to see us very close to an asteroid.  Suddenly, we took a steep dive into a crater.  I shook my head.  “I hope you know what you’re doing, because you don’t look like you do.”

          “I know what I’m doing, don’t worry.”

          We landed finally in a small cave.  I watched impatiently while Han and Chewie began to shut down everything. 

          “I’m going to shut down everything except the emergency power systems.” Han started flipping switches.

          “Watch it,” I grumbled.  “The last time you flipped switches it almost got us killed.”

          I would have said more, but C-3PO interfered.  “Sir, I’m almost afraid to ask, but… does that include shutting me down too?”

          Chewie nodded and made very loud noises, but Han had other ideas. “No, I need you to talk to the Falcon.  Find out what’s wrong with the hyperdrive.”

          Suddenly the ship lurched and almost everything in the cockpit went flying, but I held on to a pole attached above the doorway.  Then I picked up the strange piece of metal on the floor and hurled it full force at Han.  It bounced off his head and crashed into the floor with a loud bang.  He turned around and glared at me.

          “Don’t look at me, I didn’t do nothing! Honest!”  That wasn’t totally a lie, because if you look at what I’m really saying, I’m saying that I did do something.  But I guess he thought I just was using bad English.

          “Sir, it is quite possible that this asteroid is not entirely stable.”

          “Not entirely stable? I'm glad you're here to tell us these things! Chewie, take the professor in the back and plug him into the hyperdrive.”  Han looked really annoyed as he stood up to do something else.  Chewie made a soft wookiee noise and took C-3PO out of the cockpit. 

          Suddenly the ship lurched again and I grabbed on to the pole.  Han looked at me and said, “You might not want to hold on to that.  It’s not on there very tight and it might break off.”

          “Like I care,” I sneered, as the ship lurched more.  Then I realized, that he was right, the pole was starting to break loose from the wall.  Who cares though?  I knew that with my luck, as soon as I let go, the ship would probably lurch again and I would go flying.  So I held on for dear life.

          I was right, but so was he.  The ship lurched again and the pole started to rip away from the wall.  I gulped.  “Uh, oh.”

          There was one final lurch to end all lurches and I was flung across to the other side of the cockpit, with the pole in my hand.  After I recovered, I realized something horrifying.

          I realized that Han had caught me and I was in his arms.  I cleared my throat. “Let go!”

          “Shh…”

          “Don’t you DARE tell me to shush!” I yelled, while struggling.  “Let go!”

          “Don’t get excited.”

          That was it.  I took the pole that was in my hand and smacked him in the head with it.  While he put his hand on his head to stop the pain, I struggled away and snickered.

Suddenly, he looked like he was going to scream again.  I made a face and ran out of the cockpit before he would be able to permanently damage my ears.

          When I saw Chewie and C-3PO, they both glanced at each other.  I rolled my eyes and said, “You don’t want to know what just happened.”  Chewie made some very strange wookiee noises, and C-3PO translated, “He said ‘Whatever happened, you must have deserved it.’”

I pretended to imitate Chewie’s laughter, and then got serious.  “Shut up.  You don’t know what happened.”

 

 

 

Day 39

 

          Do you ever feel like sometimes someone is watching your every move?  It’s really annoying isn’t it?

          That’s how I felt.  As I kept fixing various things on the ship, it seemed like Han was always around, fixing things that didn’t even need to be fixed.  I could tell he was just watching and waiting for me to let my guard down.

          But if there’s one thing in my life that I’ve learned, it’s NEVER to let your guard down.  Obviously he got tired of waiting, because what he did next was REALLY stupid.

          I was trying to work with this lever that was stuck in place.  I was having trouble getting the nasty thing to cooperate, when I heard Han come clomping into the room.

          “Your presence is obnoxious to me,” I told him.  My statement was ignored (typical) and the Royal Pain-in-the-Butt Extraordinaire tried to help me.  I pushed him away and he got his “I am a hurt idiot” look on his face.

          “I was only trying to help, your worship.”

          Have you noticed?  It seems like he’s saying that sarcastically.  If I’m wrong, sorry, but wouldn’t that really annoy you?  He seems to think that I don’t deserve my royalty.  In my case I’d rather him call me an idiot then to be so uncool and offend me by saying I don’t deserve to be who I am.

          I rolled my eyes. “Would you stop calling me that?”

          He was silent for a second. “Sure, Laina.”

          “You make it so difficult sometimes.  No, wait, you make it difficult ALL the time.”

          I heard him laugh slightly. “I do, I really do.  You could be a little nicer though.” (Yeah right!)  He waited to see my reaction, which was ignore him completely and try to keep from snickering. “Come on, admit it.  Sometimes you think I’m all right.”

          “You wish,” I grumbled. “I wouldn’t like you if my life depended on it.”

          “Oh come on! I’m not that bad.  You just have never gotten to know me.” Then he said something ridiculous. “Come on Laina, you know that you like me.”

          If looks could kill, I’m sure he would have made it to the graveyard in perfect time to greet Darth Vader.

          “That wasn’t funny,” I told him.

          “I didn’t think it was.”

          I shook my head. “Yeah, well, my answer is that you’re still an idiotic twerp that I’ll never like.  You’ve never in your entire life been nice to me, so don’t try to sound like you have been.” I smirked. “And for your information, it’s not very nice to ask me to admit something that’s not true.”

          “I didn’t.”

          “Yeah you did!”

          “No I didn’t!”

          We glared at each other for a second.  “You know, you’ve never looked as ugly before as you do right now,” I commented.

          He didn’t say anything back and I turned to work on the lever some more.  It (still) didn’t budge and I stopped to rub my hand, which was very sore.

          “Okay, I guess I can name one time that you were nice.”

          He grinned.  “See, I told you.”

          “When you were not here, it was nice.  It was nice of you not to come sooner.  But it was mean for you to come at all.”

           He didn’t answer. (All the quietness from him was really starting to bug me. Usually he couldn’t shut up!) He looked at me then picked up my hand and started to rub it.

          What is his problem? “Knock it off,” I growled.

          “Knock what off?”

          “Don’t play stupid!” I yanked my hand away.  “I don’t want your greasy, dirty, grimy hands all over me!”

          “Your hands are dirty and grimy too.  What are you afraid of?”

          I looked him in the eye. “Afraid?  That is the most ridiculous thing you’ve said in your entire lifetime.  You are very stupid, but you already knew that.” He looked at me for a second, and then reached out again.

          “You’re trembling.”

          What a load of idiotic crap! “Whatever you say, your Idioticness.  But I greatly object.” I put my fingers up to my neck. “Pulse normal.  Nothing different.”

          He didn’t say anything in reply, but got on a different subject. “You like me because of the way I am.  There aren’t enough people like me in your life.”

          I noticed then that I was very close to him.  I cleared my throat, backed away and said, “I don’t like men like you.  I like nice men.”

          “I am a nice man.”

          I snickered and backed up more. “No you’re not.  You’re a self centered little jerk who only cares about money and rewards and how much he can do for himself.  If you don’t only care about money, then you’d better show it.”

          “I don’t just care about money.”

          I made a disbelieving noise.  “Oh really!  What else do you care about then?”

          He was silent for a second.  He raised an eyebrow.  “Maybe I care about you.”

          I’ve tried to tell you a million and one times, and if you don’t believe me now, you’re hopeless.  I always knew he had something wrong with him mentally.  I screamed very loudly.  “That is SO uncool!!!! What is your problem?  How can you care about me?  That’s so stupid!”  With that, I kicked him in the stomach.  He fell back as C-3PO came in, who stepped out of the way and let him fall.

            “Sir, sir!” he said excitedly, not even seeming to notice that the person who he was talking to was in serious pain. “I've isolated the reverse power flux coupling!”

          Han gave him an evil look.  “Thank you.  Thank you very much.”

          “Oh, you're perfectly welcome, sir.”

          That was all I had to hear.  I burst out laughing.  Han got up and looked at me funny then followed C-3PO out.  Then I turned to the lever and with much ease, pulled it down.

          Later, I sat in the cockpit.  I was about to destroy the controls (since I was mad at the Pain-in-the-Butt Extraordinaire) when I noticed that something was attached to the windscreen.  I looked more closely and saw two yellow eyes.

          “You nerdlet!  Get off, now!” I yelled at the thing.  When it didn’t budge I waved my fist at it and said, “I’ll show you!  I’ll pretend that you’re Han and you just did something really stupid!”  It must have heard me and understood what I said, because it flew off.  “Stupid creature,” I muttered under my breath as I raced out of the cockpit.

          As I rushed past Han, Chewie, and C-3PO, Han grabbed my arm without looking up from what he was doing.  “Where do you think you’re going in such a hurry?”

          “There’s something out there!”

          In the Stupid Answer Hall of Fame, this one will be a classic. “Out where?”

          “Uh, I dunno,” I said in a stupid voice. Then I gave him a look.  “Outside, in the cave you dolt!”

          Just as I spoke, something started banging on the ship.  Chewie looked around and made a howling/growling noise.

          “There it is!  Listen!  Listen!” C-3PO said, waving his arms stupidly in the air.

          “I’m going out there!  I just got this bucket back together.  I’m not going to let something tear it apart,” Han told us.

            “Hey, it’s a stupid idea.  But don’t let me stop you.  I just want to be sure not to miss it when you die a horrible death.” I informed him, picking up a breath mask.

          “I think it might be better if I stay here and guard the ship,” C-3PO called after us.  Then, as another loud bang sounded, he said in a softer voice, “Oh no.”

            We stepped out of the Falcon and into the cave.  It was too dark to see what was attacking the ship.  I stomped my foot on the floor of the cave. “This ground sure feels strange.  It doesn’t feel like rock at all.”

          “There’s an awful lot of moisture in here,” Han said, bending down to feel the ground of the cave.

          “I have a bad feeling about this.” I looked at Chewie, who was glancing around nervously.  Then I stopped and asked myself quietly, “Why does that sound vaguely familiar?”

          Chewie made a loud noise and pointed toward the cockpit of the Falcon.  There was a big thing flying around where he was pointing.  It let out a loud screech as Han blasted it with a laser.

          “Watch out,” he said to me, as the big creature landed right in front of where I stood.

          “Eww,” I murmured, staring disgustedly at the dead thing.  Han bent down to examine it.

          “Yeah, that’s what I thought.  Mynock.  Chewie, check the rest of the ship to see if there are any more.  They’re chewing the power cables.”

          “Mynocks?  I hate them, almost as much as I hate you.”  Han ignored me and said, “Go on inside.  We’ll clean them off if there are any more.”

          Just then, a swarm of the ugly nerdlets started flying over us.  I took out a blaster and started to shoot the stupid things.

          “Hey, where’d you get that?” Han asked.

          “I stole it from you.”

          He shrugged.  “Good enough excuse.”

          Most of the dumb Mynocks were gone when I noticed that Han appeared to be deep in thought as he stared around the cave.

          “Wait a minute…” He took out his gun and shot at the wall of the cave.

          The ground began to shake violently.  “What did you do now?” I yelled while trying to keep my balance.  He stood there in complete oblivion.

          “What was that?” he asked while looking around dumbly.

          I stood there for a second, staring at the opening to the cave.  Then I turned around and said,  “Han!  Chewie!  Get onto the ship right now!”

          “Why?” Han asked.

          “JUST DO IT!” I yelled, while blasting away at the pesky Mynocks.

          As soon as we were on board, Chewie closed the main entrance.  The ship continued to shake, and I braced myself against a wall.

          “Look,” I said to Han. “This isn’t a cave!”

          “What?!  Are you sure?”

          “Of course I’m sure!” I replied, exasperated. “It’s one of those stupid space slugs.  You flew us straight into the mouth of the space slug!”  I groaned.  “And you insisted that you knew what you were doing!”

          “All right, Chewie, let’s get out of here!” Han started running towards the cockpit.

          By the time I got to the cockpit, the slug had stopped moving around.

          “Are you sure?” Han asked.  “I’m not sure if it’s safe.”

          “Would you rather have a chance of surviving out there, or be eaten by a stupid slug?”

          That convinced him.  “Sit down, sweetheart, we’re taking off!”  He should have kept his mouth shut, because saying that was unnecessary.   I was thrown into my seat when the ship lifted up off the ground.

          As we started to move forward, Chewie let out a loud growl.  C-3PO pointed out the window excitedly, saying, “Look!  Look!”

          “I see it!” Han told him, while looking at the controls.   The slug’s mouth was closing and its slime-coated teeth were starting to block our way out.

          “We’re doomed!” C-3PO stated while waving his arms around in his stupid little way.

          “Oh, I hate slugs!” I muttered.

          Chewie let out a big howling noise, while Han messed with the controls even more.

          “You don’t know what you’re doing, do you?” I asked.

          “Uh, no.  Do you?”

            “Get out of the way!” I grumbled as I pushed Han out of the pilot’s seat.  “I’m sure I don’t want to trust you with my life.” I turned to face Chewie.  “Can you get this stupid thing to go any faster?”

Chewie grunted and sped the Falcon up.  I watched the teeth of the dumb slug as they continued to close, while Han whined about how scared he was.  As some of the teeth began to meet, I found one little opening and I managed to maneuver the Falcon in between the teeth.  As soon as we were out, all of us let out a big breath.

          “I really don’t get you,” I said to Han.  “When I’m getting us out of trouble, you get scared.  Yet, when you are causing havoc, I keep my cool.  Shouldn’t it be the other way around?  I should seriously flip out whenever you decide to take control of any situation.”

          “Your highness, I apologize,” C-3PO told me, ignoring my last statement. “I underestimated you.  That was amazing!  You have saved us!”

Han gave me an evil look as he traded places with me. “Don’t celebrate yet.  We’ve still got to get out of this asteroid field and get past the Star Destroyer.”  C-3PO didn’t listen and started dancing around the cockpit saying more strange things.

          He wasn’t doing that a little while later when a Star Destroyer was following us and blasting the ship to pieces.  Okay, so maybe that was an exaggeration, but not by much.

          “Okay, let’s get out of here.”  Han turned to Chewie. “Ready for light-speed?  One… two… three!”

          Han pulled back the hyperspace lever.  I looked hopefully out the window. But nothing happened.

           Han no longer sounded like a stupid stuck-up idiot, he now sounded like a spoiled brat kid. “It’s not fair!”

          I groaned.  “Act your age, not your IQ!”

Chewie looked angrily at his friend and growled something that was unintelligible.  Han desperately tried the hyperspace again.

          “The transfer circuits are working.”  Then it was back to whining brat again. “It’s not my fault!”

          I was almost expecting it. “No light-speed?”

          “It’s not my fault.”

          “What are you talking about?  Of course it’s your fault!  It’s always your fault.  Even global warming is your fault!”

          Han looked at me strangely.  “What’s global warming?”

          I thought about what I had just said. “I have no idea.”

          C-3PO interrupted this confusing moment by saying, “Sir, we just lost the main rear deflector shield. One more direct hit on the back quarter and we're done for.”

           Han paused for a second, deep in thought.  Then he pulled on a different lever as he said to Chewie, “Turn her around.”

          Chewie made a puzzled Wookiee noise.  Han gave him an angry look. “I said turn her around!  I’m going to put all power in the front shield.”

          I laughed in amazement at his stupidity.  “You’re going to attack them?  Are you crazy?  You can’t do that!”

            “Sir, the odds of surviving a direct assault on an Imperial Star Destroyer...”

          I turned to the annoying droid. “Shut up!”

          Han turned around and grinned. “I have an idea that just might work.”

          “That’s scary.” I shook my head.  “I don’t want to hear it.  Let me be surprised.”

          He turned back around and started heading toward the Star Destroyer.  It looked like we were going to crash into it, but Han made a sharp turn to avoid it.  Then we landed on the Destroyer, so they couldn’t detect us.

          “Captain Solo, this time you have gone too far.”  Chewie growled menacingly at C-3PO. “No I will not be quiet, Chewbacca.  Why doesn’t anyone listen to me?”

          “Maybe because WE are intelligent human beings, well, Chewie is an exception, because he’s a Wookiee.  But he’s still more intelligent then you.  Anyway, YOU are a little helpless little droid.  You can’t shut us down, but we can shut you down.  So PLEASE stop being annoying, or else.” I then thought about what I just said and changed something. “Okay, actually, I am the only intelligent human being on here.  The other so-called human here has no brain whatsoever.”

          Han ignored this remark and said to Chewie, “The fleet is beginning to break up. Go back and stand by the manual release for the landing claw.”  Chewie made a slight growl and left the cockpit.

          “I really don't see how that’s going to help. Surrender is a perfectly acceptable alternative in extreme circumstances. The Empire may be gracious enough...”

          That’s it!  I reached over and turned C-3PO off in mid-sentence.  Without looking up from his work, Han gave me a “Thank you.”

          “He was starting to get annoying.”  Not like that’s surprising or anything, seeing as just about everything annoys me.  “So, do you by any chance have any GOOD ideas?” It seemed like no one was even bothering to ask what I thought about anything, so I figured that I might as well just stay out of the way unless I was in real danger.

“Well, if they follow standard Imperial procedure, they'll dump their garbage before they go to light-speed, then we just float away.”

“With the rest of the garbage.” I was about to say “Good idea”, but I stopped myself.  Can’t give him too much credit, since I am really the smart one around here.  How would that look if I said that?  So instead I asked, “Then what?”

“Then we find a safe port somewhere around here.  Got any ideas.”

I was tempted to say, “Yeah, let’s throw you out the window and you can go find a place for us to land” but I kept my mouth shut and instead said, “Where are we?”

          “The Anoat system.”

          What a perfect place for us to end up!  “Anoat system?  There’s hardly anything here!  Of course, you HAD to make us end up here!  Thank you very much.”

          He looked intently at the screen. “Well, wait.  This is interesting.  Lando.”

          I looked at him in disbelief.  “Since when is there a Lando system?”

          He shook his head. “Lando’s not a system, he’s a man.  Lando Calrissian.  He’s a card player, gambler, and scoundrel.  You’d like him.”

          This had to have been one of the biggest loads of crap that I had ever heard in my entire life.  I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, sure.  Whatever.”

          “Bespin. It’s pretty far, but I think we can make it.”

          I looked at the computer screen, and then slowly gave Han another disbelieving look.  “A mining colony?”

          “Yeah, a Tibanna gas mine.”  Then he unexpectedly changed the subject. “We go back a long way, Lando and me.”

          “Can we trust him?”

          “Not really.  But I can tell you one thing; he definitely has no love for the Empire.”

           Then, over the intercom came Chewie, growling to Han.  Han quickly got rid of the computer screen and looked out the cockpit window.

          “Here we go, Chewie.  Stand by.”  He concentrated for a second, and then said loudly, “Detach!”

          He then leaned back in the chair, looking very pleased with himself.  He was probably expecting some congratulation from me, but I remained silent.  I could be just as stubborn as him if I wanted to.

          I watched as we floated slowly away from the Star Destroyer, which started moving slowly away.  It suddenly disappeared as it went to light-speed.

          Just a little while later we were approaching Bespin. To be more precise, we were actually heading toward Cloud City, but who honestly cares about detail?

          Suddenly two stupid twin-pod cloud cars (catchy name, huh?) surrounded us and started sending us messages.

          Han was very busy yelling through the transmitter at the pesky idiots.  “No, I don’t have a landing permit.  I’m trying to reach Lando Calrissian.”

          The stupid cloud car people started to blast us.  I shook my head.  Obviously Han didn’t know what he was talking about (as usual) when he said that his friend would gladly let us land and give the ship repairs.

          “Whoa!  Wait a minute.  Let me explain.”  Like that was going to do us a lot of good!  The only thing him explaining stuff would do would give everyone in hearing range a headache.  And on top of that, it would get us absolutely nowhere. Or if we were lucky, maybe the cloud car rejects wouldn’t want to listen to his pathetic whining and would let us land.

          Over the transmitter finally came, “You will not deviate from your present course.”

          C-3PO was not amused by this either. “Rather touchy, aren’t they?”

          “I distinctly heard you say that you knew this person.  I’m beginning to think you were just making everything up.”

          Chewie unhappily growled something at Han, who replied, “Well… that was a long time ago.  I’m sure he’s forgotten about that.” Then, not so sure of himself, he added, “I hope.”

          His dumb hoping was interrupted by the intercom. “Permission granted to land on Platform three-two-seven.”

          “Thank you.”  It’s amazing how polite Han can be when he gets his way.  It’s almost enough to make me puke.

          I was a little worried about all this.  It seemed strange that we could just waltz, okay, FLY up, and presto, we get permission to land.  Something’s definitely fishy…

          Han turned to me and must have seen the unconvinced look on my face.  “There’s nothing to worry about.  We go way back, Lando and me.”

          I was tempted to harass him for repeating himself too much, but decided against it.  I looked even more unconvinced as I replied, “Who’s worried?”

          We landed and stepped out of the ship.  From behind us, C-3PO observed the area. “Oh.  No one to meet us.”

          This made me a little more nervous.  Something was definitely not right.  But what was it?  “I don’t like this,” I informed everyone.

          Han turned once again from polite-enough-to-make-you-puke to stuck-up twerp. “Well, what WOULD you like?”

          “They did let us land.”  That’s the really, REALLY annoying thing about C-3PO.  He always is trying to find something good about a situation that’s bad.  Couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut for even a second?

          Then suddenly some doors at the end of the platform opened.  A group of people, droids, and other creatures came walking through.  The man who seemed to be leading them all didn’t look very happy.

          Han turned to me and said, “See?  My friend.”  Then I heard him say to Chewie, “Keep your eyes open, okay?”

            His “friend” didn’t look any more happier as he said to Han, “Why, you slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler! You've got a lot of guts coming here, after what you pulled.”

          Of course, the Royal Pain-in-the-Butt pointed innocently toward himself, mouthing, “Me?”  I groaned and put my hand to my face, shaking my head the whole time.  I knew we couldn’t trust him!  I knew, I knew, I knew…

          Han’s friend suddenly reached out, looking like he was going to hit him.  I took my hand away from my face.  I couldn’t miss this!

          I was disappointed when instead of hitting him his friend laughed. “How you doing, you old pirate? So good to see you! I never thought I'd catch up with you again. Where you been?”

          From behind me, C-3PO said, “Well, he seems very friendly.”

          My reply was, “Whatever.”

          Chewie, C-3PO, and I walked toward the group.  Han’s friend suddenly noticed me and smiled.  “Hello. What have we here? Welcome. I'm Lando Calrissian, the administrator of this facility. And who might you be?”

          This guy was already annoying me and I had only known that he had existed for a couple of seconds.  “I’m Laina.”

          “Welcome Laina.”  He smiled again and bowed.  I managed a weak smile back and then slowly stepped away.

          Of course, C-3PO had to introduce himself to Lando. “Hello, sir. I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations. My facilities are at your...”

          As usual, he never could finish his speech.  Lando walked away to follow Han and I, who were walking towards the city.

          Han and Lando talked about subjects that bored me to death.  So I strolled in silence behind them.

          The city was very decorative.  Just the kind of place I’d like.  For some reason I have always been someone who likes expensive and almost heavenly things.  Being here in the clouds was totally my idea of the perfect place to live.

          Some things bother me though.  It may be perfect, but it’s, you know, too perfect.  I sensed that behind the walls of the city, something not so perfect lurked.  Well, at least that’s what always happens in movies…

          Oh well.  I’m here to enjoy myself for now.  For a day or two I can wander around the city, without having to listen to the Royal Pain-in-the-Butt’s idiotic nonsense.

          There’s one other thing that’s annoying.  Something about the city is minimizing the work my brain does on snide comments.  What’s with that?  It’s totally uncool.

          Anyway, I guess I’d better get away fast, before I can be dragged to any stupid meetings or dinners.  They never serve good food for free…

 

Day 40

 

          I knew it!  I knew we couldn’t trust Lando!  I KNEW something was fishy around here!  But no one would listen to me!  Come on!  I’m royalty!  People are supposed to listen to me!!

          But NOOO!  Han had to be the rejected little pain-in-the-butt that he is and not do anything about the fact that we couldn’t trust Lando.  And of course, no one else would say anything against him and you know what happens…

          It all started when Han came back from checking on the ship.  He was very pleased to announce, “The ship is almost finished.  Two or three more things and then we’re in great shape.”

          “You mean IT is in great shape.  You really need to watch what you say.”  Then I let out what was on my mind. “Anyway, the sooner the better.  Something’s wrong here. No one has seen or knows anything about C-3PO.  He’s been gone too long to have gotten lost.” Then I added, “And the food is REALLY terrible.”

          “Relax.  I’ll talk to Lando and…”

          “Oh, like THAT’S going to do us a lot of good.  I don’t trust him as far as I can spit!”

          Han shrugged.  “I don’t trust him either.  But he is my friend.  Besides, we’ll be gone soon enough.”

          “That’s good to know.  Do you know why?”

          “No. Why is it such a good thing?”

          I tried to keep back a huge grin but it didn’t work.  “Because then you’re as good as gone!  That’s so cool.”

          The door suddenly flew open.  In came Chewie, with a box that had C-3PO’s arms and legs hanging over the edges.

          “What happened?” I asked.  “Did you do this to him?” I inspected one of C-3PO’s arms then threw in back into the box in disgust.  Chewie groaned an explanation (which I didn’t understand a word of).

          “What?  Where?  Found him in a junk pile?!”  Han glanced at the box.

          It made me sick to think of what happened.  At least it didn’t happen to me, or it would be painful…

          “Chewie, do you think you could fix him?”  He shrugged sadly.

          The door flew open again and in came Lando (the creepy, creepacious creep).  “I’m sorry.  Am I interrupting something?”

          I looked around the room.  “Not really.”

          Lando smiled at me. “You look absolutely beautiful.  You truly belong here with us among the clouds.”

He was also trying to be cool.  I shrugged and replied, “Thanks.”

          He didn’t say anything for a second, and then seemed to remember why he had come.  “Would you care to join me for a refreshment?”

          Han looked at Lando suspiciously, but Chewie nodded and made a happy wookiee noise.

          I groaned. “Do you even know how to talk like a normal person?  A normal person would say ‘Do you want something to eat?’  At least, that’s what I would say, and you know that I’m perfect in every way.”

          Lando shrugged, but I guess he didn’t pay any attention.  “Everyone’s invited of course.” Then he spotted C-3PO’s remains.  “Having trouble with your droid?”

          Han exchanged glances with me.  “No.  No problem. Why?”

          Lando didn’t answer and we all turned to leave the room.

          In the hallway, all of us (except Chewie) got to talk about a very boring subject: the mining colony.

          “So you see,” Lando was telling us, “since we’re a small operation, we don’t fall into the, uh, jurisdiction of the Empire.”

          “So you’re a part of the mining guild then?” I suggested.

            “No, not actually.  Our operation is small enough not to be noticed...which is advantageous for everybody since our customers are anxious to avoid attracting attention to themselves.”

          “Aren’t you afraid the Empire is going to find out about this little operation and shut you down?”

          “That's always been a danger looming like a shadow over everything we've built here. But things have developed that will insure security. I've just made a deal that will keep the Empire out of here forever.”  Lando pushed a button that opened some heavy doors.  We entered the room, but froze as soon as we did.

          There, at the end of the table, was the number one expert Professor of Loserology at Loser U, a.k.a. Darth Vader.  Han pulled out his blaster and took a couple shots at the sneaky reject’s head.  Darth Vader (the Grand Poobah of the Loyal Order of Losers) quickly raised his hand and the blasts were deflected into one of the walls.  Just as quickly, Han’s weapon flung into (His Royal Loserness) Darth’s hand, who set it calmly on the table.  “We would be honored if you would join us.”

          Han shot a mean look at Lando, whose (lame) excuse was, “I had no choice.  They arrived right before you did.  I’m sorry.”

          Han’s expression didn’t change. “I’m sorry too.”

          Now we are all very happy in a jail cell, only because no one would listen to me.  That’s why things happen, because people don’t know how to listen to other people who might have good ideas.  But they are all too stuck-up to even think about listening.  It’s his fault, all his fault.

 

Day 41

 

            This is the BEST day of my entire life!!!!!!!!  Something miraculous happened.

          It started out to be a crummy day.  I was tortured, but not for long, because for some reason they wanted to torture Han more.  That was pretty good, but the best is still to come!

          We were taken into a big room that was used for carbon freezing.  I thought that I was going to suffer the fate of being frozen, with my luck.  But I was happily wrong.

          Han turned to Lando. “What’s going on?”

          “You’re being put into carbon freeze.”

          These words were a joy to my ears. “You mean he will be frozen?”

          Lando looked sympathetic for no good reason.  He nodded sadly.

          “You mean I won’t have to worry about some idiotic bit of reason coming from his big mouth!?”

          “Yes, he will be handed over to Boba Fett and returned to Jabba the Hutt,” Darth Vader (the gold medallist from the Loser Olympics) informed me.

          I stood still for a second, letting the information sink in.  Then I started to smile.  “This is so perfect!”

          Chewie didn’t think so.  With a loud wookiee noise, he attacked the S.T.s surrounding Han.  C-3PO (who was strapped on to Chewie’s back) screamed (stupidly) in terror, “Oh, no! No, no, no! Stop, Chewbacca, stop...!”

          Then Han interfered, “Stop, Chewie, stop! Do you hear me? Stop!”

          “Yes, stop, please! I'm not ready to die.” C-3PO continued to wave his arm (yes, he only had one arm at this point) around.

            Han broke up the fight between the S.T.s and Chewie. “Chewie! Chewie, this won't help me. Hey!”  He gave Chewie a stern look. “Save your strength. There'll be another time. The princess… you have to take care of her. You hear me?”

          “No you don’t,” I objected.  “I can take care of myself, like I was doing before you guys came along.”

          Han looked at me funny and I backed up.  “Die, you evil… Beano Tablet!”

          The S.T.s grabbed him and threw him on the platform.  I shook my head and yelled, “I hate you!”

          He gave me a sad look and replied, “I know.”

          What kind of reply was that?  Couldn’t he at least come back with, “Yeah, I hate you too” or even “Shut up.  Can’t you see that I’m going to be frozen?  Don’t you have any sympathy?”?  But no!  All he could say was “I know”.

          Anyway, suddenly the platform dropped.  Chewie howled and I nudged him. “Shut up, I’m enjoying this.”

            Chewie turned around and gave C-3PO a look at what was going on. “What...what's going on? Turn around, Chewbacca, I can't see. Oh...they've encased him in carbonite. He should be quite well-protected… if he survives the freezing process, that is.”

          “Oh please let him not survive.  It will be a moment of triumph for me.  I will live in peace for the rest of my life!”  Chewie growled at me and C-3PO.  I rolled my eyes. “Hey, as I said before, I’m enjoying myself!  Don’t ruin it!”

          I watched very happily as the Royal Idioticness was lifted from the freezing machine.  I laughed out loud when I saw what he looked like.

          He couldn’t have picked a more stupid pose.  I mean, I would have at least tried to look cool, so people wouldn’t think I was a rejected twerp.  Well, what can you expect, seeing that’s what he is.

          I turned to (Professor of Loserology) Darth. “You don’t know what a big favor you’ve done for me.  You’re the nicest person in the entire galaxy!  You rock so much!  Thank you!!!!!!!”

          Darth (Super Loser) ignored me and turned to Lando. “Well, Calrissian, did he survive?”

          “Yes, he’s alive.”

          “NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I screamed.  “He’s still alive?!  This is horrible!”  I stopped for a second to think. “Well, at least I don’t have to worry about dealing with him for a while.” I turned to Darth (the twenty-time recipient of the Congressional Medal of Losers) again and grinned. “You’re still nice, even though he’s not dead.”

          A (stupid) Imperial officer looked up from a screen.  “Skywalker has just landed my lord.”

          “Good.  See to it that he finds his way here.” Then Darth (Grand Master high exalted lord of the Losers) turned to face Lando. “Calrissian, take the princess and the Wookiee to my ship.”

          Lando froze.  “You said that they would be left here in the city under my supervision.”

          “I am altering the deal.  Pray that I don’t alter it any further.”

          Lando looked back at Chewie and I, sadly.  Some S.T.s surrounded us and we walked out of the room.

          Suddenly at one of the hallway intersections some of Lando’s guards met us, with their weapons aimed at the S.T.s.  In shock, the idiotic S.T.s froze.  Lando’s guards disarmed the S.T.s and gave the weapons they found to us.

          “Well done.  Hold them in the security tower, and keep it quiet.  Move!” (Notice, he STILL talks like an idiot.)

          The guards marched silently away, while Lando untied Chewie.

          “What do you think you’re doing?” I asked while examining the confiscated S.T. weapon.

          “We’re getting out of here!”

          C-3PO, as usual, started making comments that no one wanted to hear.  “I knew all along that it had to be a mistake.”

          As soon as Chewie was untied, he grabbed Lando and started to choke him.  I came up beside Chewie and stared (evilly) at Lando.  “Do you think that after the deal you made with the Empire we’re going to trust you? You’re crazy!”

          As he struggled to get free, Lando choked out, “I had no choice…”

          I sarcastically laughed, then said, “Oh, so we understand, don’t we Chewie. He had no choice.”

          “I’m just trying to help…”

          I snapped him to reality.  “We don’t need any of your help! When we used your help before, this is where it got us.”

          He choked more, trying to say something.

          “What?  Spit it out!”

          “There’s still a chance to save Han… I mean, at the East Platform.”

          Ha!  He seemed to think that I was angry because of what he did to Han.  “Chewie.  Let go of him.”

          Lando dropped to the floor catching his breath.  He didn’t have much of a chance, because I pulled him back up so I could give him a piece of my mind.

          “If the only reason you’re helping us is so you can save Han’s sorry little butt, then I suggest you leave.  Look, I’m willing to put up with you because you did let the Empire almost kill him.  So if your puny brain can’t register what I’m saying, I don’t want to save him!  Let him save himself like he always does.”

          “But he’s in carbon freeze!  He can’t do anything!”

          “That’s his problem.”  I turned to Chewie.  “Let’s go.”

          “But what about Han?”

          I turned around, frustrated. “What about him?  There’s nothing we can do.  And nothing that I want to do either.  Now, are you going to come with us to the ship, or are you just going to uselessly try to rescue Han.  It’s your choice, but I’d rather save myself then kill myself trying to save some rejected idiot.”

          He gave no reply.  I shrugged and started running toward the platform where the Falcon was, with Chewie following close behind.

          After running through many hallways, meeting up with R2-D2 again, and kicking lots of (rejected) S.T. butt, we (finally) made it to the platform.  I caught a glimpse of the Falcon before the door came slamming down to block our path.  I groaned as Lando came up behind us.

          “You made a good choice.”  I smiled slightly as Lando tried to open the door with a control.

          “The security code has been changed!”  Lando looked about ready to explode with outrage at himself.

I didn’t feel any sympathy.  The little lard butt deserved it.  First, he turned us over to the galaxy champion checkered-flag speed demon of the Loserapolis 500. Second, he delayed us from getting to the ship sooner because he wanted to go try and save the Royal Pain-in-the-Butt Extraordinaire.

Lando got over his fit of outrage and picked up a microphone connected to the city intercom.  “Attention.  This is Lando Calrissian.  The Empire has taken control of the city.  I advise everyone to leave before more Imperial troops arrive.”

I glanced down at R2-D2 who was just putting computer arm into a computer terminal.  A short beep turned into a wild mechanical scream.  Chewie pulled R2-D2 away, as Lando motioned to us.  “This way!”

As we ran down the hall, I heard C-3PO arguing with R2-D2.  “Don’t blame me.  I’m an interpreter.  I’m not supposed to know the difference of a power socket from a computer terminal!”

When we got to another door, R2-D2 found another computer terminal (not a power socket) and opened the door.  Lando and I started to hold off the stupid S.T.s while Chewie and the droids got on board.

I couldn’t believe it.  As I sat down in what would normally be Han’s seat, I realized that I was finally taking control of everything and he wasn’t taking all the credit for it.  Chewie got the Falcon started and we lifted gracefully off the platform.  Some Imperial idiots took off after us, but we lost them quickly.

Something in my brain snapped.  I could hear a voice calling (stupidly) for help.  I knew where Luke was, and we had to go get him.

(What’s wrong with me?  Am I getting brain disease from spending too much time with the stupidest people in the universe?)

Oh well.  I turned to Chewie.  “We’ve got to go back!”

He growled in surprise, while Lando decided to argue. “What?  We can’t go back!”

I groaned in amazement at his stupidity.  “I know where Luke is.”

“But what about those fighters?”  Chewie growled in agreement.

Did either of them even know how to shut up? “Chewie, just do it.”

          “But what about Vader?”  What about the mega loser?  Who cares about what the loser might do to us?  Chewie turned to Lando and growled.  He put his hands up in surrender. “All right, all right.  Don’t get angry at me.”  Chewie turned the ship around and we headed back toward the city.

          Then when we were flying around the under side of the city, Lando spotted something. “Look, someone’s up there.”

          “I know.  It’s Luke.  Chewie, slow down and we’ll get the ship under him.  Lando, open the top hatch.”  It was a great feeling to be in control of everything and not have to listen to what the Royal Idioticness has to say.

          A minute later, I heard over the intercom, “Okay, I’ve got him.  Let’s go.”

          We had just gotten away from the city when a shape following us caught my eye.  “No!”  I yelled. “Not a Star Destroyer! I hate them, I hate them, I HATE THEM!!!!”  That’s when I noticed Lando and Chewie staring at me.  I was silent for a second.  “I’m okay.”  I checked the controls.  “Okay, Chewie, ready for light-speed.”  I paused then said to Lando, “If your people fixed the hyperdrive.”

          Lando nodded as another blast rocked the ship.  A green light next to me flashed on.  “All the coordinates are set.  It’s now or never.”

          Chewie shrugged indifferently and pulled back the hyperspace lever.  We stared out the window confidently.

          But nothing happened.  Chewie let out a frustrated howl as Lando tried to make (lame) excuses.  “They told me they fixed it.  I trusted them to fix it.”  Then he said the phrase that made me see why he was a friend of the Royal Idioticness.  “It’s not my fault!!!”

          Chewie got angrily up from his seat and gave Lando a shove.  I looked at the computer screen seeing that the Star Destroyer was getting closer and closer.  Soon they’d be ready to board us and take over.  In disgust I tried the hyperspace again, just to be sure. 

          But still, nothing happened.  I leaned back in my chair and tried to think.

          A shower of sparks coming from the control panel interrupted my thoughts.  I picked up the intercom.  “Chewie!  Watch what you’re doing!”

          Chewie growled angrily and turned his intercom off.  I shook my head and rubbed the spot near my eye where one of the sparks had hit.  Didn’t that Wookiee have any respect?  Didn’t he know that it’s dangerous to cause sparks that may permanently damage someone?   Didn’t he…

          Suddenly I was flung into my seat as the Falcon went into hyperspace.  R2-D2 came in beeping happily, as if to say, “Look what I did!”  Chewie came in behind, scratching his head in confusion.

          “Ha!” I yelled. “Stupid Imperial Star Destroyer, eat our dust!”

          We eventually made it to a Rebel Cruiser, where more repairs were made to the Falcon.  I took Luke to the Medical Center, so he could get a replacement hand. (Han needs a replacement brain.  Just thought I might inform you of that…)

          I talked with Luke for a little while.  But the only thing that sticks in my mind is when he said, “Vader said something weird to me. He said, ‘Obi-Wan has taught you well, my little fruitcake’.”

          Sound’s like something a loser would say, doesn’t it?

         

 

Day 42

 

          I enjoy life as it is now, because soon it will be back to being about as bad as it can get.  Lando insists on rescuing Han.  Hasn’t the little twerp caused me enough trouble without having to risk my life again just so he can live again?  I know he’s not really dead, but I like to think of it that way.  Because he is dead, sort of.  Anyway, I could see it coming a light-year away…

          I had to stay with Luke the whole day.  It was really boring, seeing his stupid replacement hand being tested and junk like that.  The whole time he had people bring him food, letting him talk (happily) to people over comlink, and almost anything you can imagine.  They did this the whole time, and completely ignored MY hunger pains, and MY needs.

          Then Lando wanted to talk to him over the comlink.  I ignored most of the conversation, until Lando said, “Princess, we’ll find Han.  I promise.”

          “What!”  I yelled.  “Why are you promising me that?  Now I’m going to have a rotten vacation knowing that the Dweeb-a-saurus will be living again!”

          Lando’s (rude) reply was, “Live with it.”

          Okay, so I may have to go save him.  But from now on, everything will be totally reversed.  Instead of him making life miserable for me, I’m going to make life miserable for him.

          That’s the way it’s going to be.  If you don’t like it, tough.  In the words of Lando (the lard butt), live with it.