2002journal

Wednesday, April 3, 2002. 9:43 PM. I am as bored as hell, but I know I shouldn't be with at least 3 more AP art peices to go, a multimedia presentation to go with my AP art concentration, and a whole new pikachu costume to make and another to wash, iron, and make the hem a little closer to the knee, not to mention homework that's assigned from various classes. I'm on page 181 in "The Stand." I'm supposed to be on page 350 by Friday. There is no way in hell I'm doing that. I hate that book. I just realized that Stephen king is a horrible writer. I mean his stories are cool but his writing SUCKS. As for AP art, I should be doing AP art shit, but i'm sort of at a mind block. or maybe i'm just waiting to get those pictures of zach so I can make the peice i've been planning on making for a while. did you know adam bellows ran into billy corgan at a zoo? what the fuck? why couldn't i have been in the zoo at that time? adam isn't really even that big of a pumpkins fan. actually, i don't even think he likes them. anyway, i'm going to acen for the first time and i hope my mom will call me out for half a day that friday. i'm going as vegas pikachu, unfortunately, i can't go topless. i'll be going with my pimp, ash. we'll all be stuffing 50 people in one hotel room, but het, the more people, the cheaper the room. i shouldn't even be going to acen. i should be like working on my ap art work. if i think too much about my ap art shit, it really starts to get depressing. i haven't even been out of the house in like six months or so. i think i have some sort of infection in my eye. it's o'malley's birthday tomorrow and i feel bad because i don't have a present for him. i am so broke ass. my job pays me shit. i can't wait until i am rich and famous and i'll make a movie about gamestop and call is something like "lamestop." anyway, i have to finish updating this site! see you all again when i am bored!

Wednesday, April 7, 2002. 9:44 PM. I should really be working on my AP art stuff right now, but....i don't know. I think I really must enjoy procrastination because I do it so goddamned much. I saw No Doubt last night amd they were really good. Gwen Stefani is so gorgeous. I wanna be just like her when I grow up. ^_^ I saw Sean Paras there and on my way of trying to fight the crowd to get to him, two bitches (one looked like she was 40 and attempting to dress sexy but it looked really gross and the other was fat and took her shirt half way through the show and i went blind) tried to stop me from passing between them to get to Sean, but I squeezed pass them. They had storm troopers and (dustin calls them) wilderness troopers on stage. they played the imperial march and closed the show with "spiderwebs." They opened with the second track off or their new CD (which is really weird and not no doubt like, but still good.) It was a good night of fun and dancing with Dopey. Then later on that night at like 4 in the morning my mom came knocking at my door and Dopey and I were in my room. She made me kick him out of the house and then threatened to not send me to college and then threatened to kick me out of the house several times. I think she is finally not in denial of the knowledge that him and i are "intimate." She was pissed that I didn't really care about the threats. Then I talked to Sean Paras after that and he said "just another night in the Lee household." Yeah that's what that was. My mom has been the biggest fucking bitch lately. I wonder how I can con her into giving me money for Acen. Anyone have any ideas? Oh well, the run in with my mom didn't bother me TOO much because, well, the stoics once said "nothing can make you happy or unhappy without your consent." and that is the moral of the story. I don't know what's wrong with my printer. Sometimes it thinks it's out of red and yellow ink so it starts printing only in blue and black. other times it works fine. does anyone know what the hell it's doing? Anyway, I should get back to my AP art shit. I smell hash browns. I think I'll have some hash browns.

Wednesday, May 8, 2002. 10:03 PM. Most of my AP Art hell will be over very soon. I finished taking slides of my concentration and my breadth section today. I guess talking about ACEN is long overdue, however I just recently had the pictures developed and they should be on the site very soon. Life is slowly starting to calm down and I've been spending less and less time working on school work and more and more time watching anime and making up for lost time with Dopey and hopefully, soon, with all of my other friends that I've ditched for like the past year. Prom is coming soon and I am broke. I have to pay for slides and the rest of my prom dress. I also have to finish making my prom dress; I hope it will turn out okay. I'm still a little confused on whose group I'm in, but I guewss I'll figure it out come the day of prom. I've been asked to be a JTR poster girl and I said okay; what does a JTR poster girl do, anyway? I got into a bit of a fight with my mom again, but it was about going to Califonia. I didn't want to go. She wanted me to go. She doesn't trust me alone in the house because she thinks I will smoke pot, while selling pot, while having sex, and whatever else you can think of that would be delinquent of me. Things are slowing down, and I guess that's a good thing, but I'm not so sure if I'm used to that sort of pace.

November 13, 2002. 9:32 PM. I know I should be doing homework. Nowadays, I really feel like I should be doing something school or work related all the time. If I'm not doing something school or work related, I feel like I am wasting time. I fear being stressed out, which makes me stressed out. I live in my new apartment now (who DIDN'T know that?) and it is much different than I expected. It's amazing how fast I adapted to this kind of life. Living on my own, keeping a clean room, being responsible, taking the "L", and actually getting to school on time and doing all my homework way before it's due are just a few of the things I picked up on while living and going to school in Chicago. However, I'm not really sure if I ever quite let go of home. I go home every weekend. I have not spent a single weekend in Chicago. I remeber always wanting to go to the city in high school. Now I just want get away from the city. It's fast here, it's busy, it smells, it's dirty, and worst of all it forces me to change my 10 ft of personal space limit to 10 mm. The city isn't horrible, tho. I really enjoy the scenery downtown. I love looking out the windo when I ride the "L." There is the most beautiful cemetary near the Sheridan stop on the Redline. It's huge and it's got a lot of catacomb type thingys. I hope I can go wisit there sometime; it looks heavily gaurded tho. I really can't stand my classes. I feel like I am wasting so much time and money. All my classes are full of terribly dumb people. My English class is the ADVANCED English class. Some advanced class, people don't fucking know how to write a thesis. So this is what we learned in English class the other day....what an intro paragraph is, what a body paragraph is, and what a mother fucking conclusive paragraph is. I feel so insulted by this remedial material. In my design class, we learned about the elements and principles of design...something that was NAILED TO MY BRAIN my FRESHMAN YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL. In my drawing class we are drawing SHOES. SHOES. MOTHER FUCKING SHOES. I drew shoes ALL OF MY FRESHMAN YEAH IN HIGH SCHOOL. I hate this shit. People actually write their papers in EBONICS. Nothing feels better than coming home to my apartment. It's very comfortable here. I don't like the building tho. It reminds me of the Shining. See, my apartment building used to be a hotel. So it looks like a hotel and smells like one. My apartment was repainted right before I moved in and it still smells like paint. Ew. I have very interesting neighbours who I never see. I saw and spoke to my next door neighbour once. I thought I lived next to a couple of college students from Loyola becasue I swore I once saw a young woman walk into that apartment, but it turns out an old lady lives next to me, She was very nice, but she seems to have a lot of young visitors. The person across from me is an old guy. He watches TV ALL DAY and I can hear it every time I leave my apartment and every time I come home. In fact, it freaks me out when I don't hear his TV. I have another neighbour down the hall who is AMAZING at playing piano. Outside of my apartment, a few blocks away is a not very nice neighbourhood, but down the street from me is Loyola, so there are a lot of secure apartments with fences protecting fences that protect doors. There are no sounds outside my apartment during the day aside from standard city sounds (cars honking, car alarms, police cars, ambulances, etc.). However, at night, I hear more car alarms, blaring rap music, guys screaming improper english sprinkled with profanity, more police sirens, and every now and then a little kid screaming (which is the most disturbing). These noises have a profound effect on me...I don't come out of my apartment once it's dark. I am very paranoid living in the city. I had my wallet stolen once downtown and my mother did too (on seperate occasions). I carry pepper spray around with me. My radiator makes a lot of noise. Is that NORMAL for a radiator? It doesn't really get lonely here even tho I have no actual city friends. Dopey comes here and stays every now an then and that's nice, even tho my food goes a lot faster when he is around. I spent my last two weekends at the Cube Club. For those of you who don't know what it is, think of a really nice arcade with HDTVs and then a loud night club, put the 2 together and add Nintendo and you get the cube club. I will have Cube Club diaries as soon as I get a hold of Ian (a co-worker of mine) and get pictures from him. I will tell you all about everyone I worked with and all the consumers that tried to hit on me and the disgusting security guard who was always staring at me and said really icky things to me. All in all, tho it was a good time especially cuz I worked the job with Dopey. Well, before this journal entry gets too long. I'm gonna split for now. I will see you in my Cube Club Diaries.

11.26.02. 11:40 AM. Guess where I should be right now? You would think I should be home because it's Thanksgiving week, but noooo. I have school this week until Wednesday, so here I am in my apartment ditching school. I've been really bad with that lately. Once I discovered that I had the ability to ditch school, I started to do it...a lot. I bet you're thinking "but why does it matter? they don't do attendence in college." You see, I go to a FAKE COLLEGE so we actually have this policy. If I miss more than 30% of my classes, I fail the class. I think I am making good timing right now. I've missed at least one of every single one of my classes, but not more than four. That's okay...right? Anyway, It's snowing outside and I think it's a beautiful day outside. I bet you anyhting more than half the kids in my classes didn't show today because it was snowing. Like last time it was raining and no one showed up to class. I guess people were like "oh, no it's raining, better not go outside becuz i'm gonna melt." one think that i can't stand about snow is that if it happen before christmas, i sstart thinking. "Hmmm Christmas....YAY! CHRISTMAS!" I must say though for the past year Christmas has just been depressing. I think it might be more depressing this year. No one has any money and my family had a falling out with my oldest sister because of her dickhead cracker hick husband who makes half as much money as she does and is making her pay off his student loans and I can't remember the last time I talked to her (or him for that matter.) I know this Thanksgiving my family is having it somewhere else, so my oldest sister can't find us and join us for dinner. If Thanksgiving is like this, what is Christmas going to be like for me? I'm scared of that. I want this Christmas to be better than the past few. Maybe if I convince Christmas is going to suck this year, Christmas will be good. I really should be doing my homework. After all, I AM ditching class, now aren't I? I guess I should go. Until we meet again.

1.27.03. 10:16 PM. For those of you who know me well and read these and for those of you who don't know me well and read these: You all know I don't get too personal with my journals. Well, I was flipping through some random links in my bookmarked folder adn came across and old "friend's" website. she's not really a friend now and i'm not sure if she was really a friend then. I'm not afraid to mention her and i feel like mentioning her becuase i just ran into her site. Brit. I really do wonder what will happen to her. Maybe a horrible trolly accident that will almost kill her but in the end turn her into a great woman like Frida Kahlo. Or maybe she'll turn out to be just like her mom. Some of you will have no idea what I'm talking about, but I really wish I didn't end it (whatever that was) with this girl on a bad note. In fact, I think most people who don't talk to her anymore ended on a bad note. I hate to admit it, but in some instances with whatever it was that happened with her, I was wrong. And dear God how I hate to admit that. And seeing the anti-pikachu GIF on her website, tells me she hasn't forgotten about it and still holds a grudge. Man, if she hates me this much I must of really fucked up somehow in someone's eyes. There were a lot of things that happened and a lot of them were my fault. However, due to blowing things out of proportion and immaturity on both sides, we stopped talking on a very sour note. I know she would never apologize to me or Dustin or whoever she needed to apologize to or didn't need to apologize to, and as much as i hate to say it and as much as people will hate me for saying it, but I'm sorry. I guess I got all phisophy on you because i am super depressed. I hate school. I hate the city. I hate the city NOW anyway. I always loved the city when I was younger because the city, to me, meant FUN. Living here in my little apartment off of the redline is so amazingly great. Anywhere else, on a school day, makes me feel naucious and sometimes makes me really depressed. the city makes me depressed because i really don't have friends here. My friends are either at U of I or on the east coast at some Ivy Legue school. I miss them so much. I've got Dustin, tho. I know he's the sweetest, sexiest man in the world, but sometimes it feels like he'd much rather be roleplaying than hanging out with me. Anyway I don't like to talk about Dustin to strangers cuz he's none of your damn beeswax. My birthday is in a couple weeks and my parents will be out of town. After working over two years for Gamestop, it has damaged my knees badly and i'm not sure if i'm going to stick around much longer. brian has turned into a bitch and i hate our manager in training. i'm not talking to david kitsberg right now because apparently he doesn't want to talk to me. i would so give anything to have connie, yang, adam, and all my other close friends here for my birthday, but it's just not going to happen. I really dislike my brother in law. you all know that right? well, tomorrow is my brother's birthday, and last weekend we went downtown to celebrate. originally, peggy and dean weren't going to come with becuase they had better things to do. in the end they went and dean did nothing but bitch. i hate hearing peggy talking about dean and how "great he is" or how she "married an attorney." unfotunately this attorney makes half as much as she does. my father asked me what to get for dean's birthday and i said "nothing, he doesn't deserve it with way he treats you and mom." my father told me that unless they get divorced, he's just gojng to have to put up with it. peggy told me she wants an Asian baby. she was telling me about how beautiful this Chinese Korean baby was and that she wanted an Asian baby. well, she shouldn't have married a fat ass redneck if she wanted an Asian baby. guess she'll just have to settle with an ugly baby. call me whatever you want and completely irrational, but i've got my reasons. i am so not in a good mood right now. the city is tough when i'm not painting it red. i can't stand being closer than five feet to a stranger. i don't go to a normal college. my college is in a mall for crying out loud. i stop off at fullerton and belmont everyday and see all these depaul kids and at my granville stop i see all these lyola kids. i really wish i went to a real school. if i knew better and wasn't so stupidly in love i would have studied my ass off and i would have gone to an ivy league college. I just gotta suck this all up and know i am so gonna be on the cover of a million magazines in just a while. if not a million magazines, then maybe be on a one page article in one ^_^ i'll be the greatest whatever i'll be ever.

1.28.03. 4:00 PM. Oh yes I am writing two days in a row. it truly is a miracle. Now watch my abandon this thing for like another ten years. Today is my brother's birthday. i wasn't really planning on calling him, but I guess I should. I wasn't really planning on buying him anything either, but I guess I should do that too. It sucks to be broke ass. I'm doing a little better today. I didn't have class until 1:00 today so I got up around 9 which is so much nicer than getting up at 6 (which I have to do on Mondays and Wednesdays). On my way out of my apartment, I stood near the elevator to wait for it. This elevator is across from this guy's apartment. Up until today I did not no it was a guy. I always heard really good music coming out of his apartment and I was curious as to who lived in there. Today, tho I heard him singing really loud. The sinign was pretty cheesy and I didn't know what song he was singing. Then I heard the sound of a toilet lid slamming and then I heard the sound of urination. Now, I almost never hear my neighbours and I just assumed that the place was sound proofed well. Howver I had no idea that sounds from the apartments here could be so very easily heard in the hallway. Now I now that some sounds can be heard, but urinating? They must be able to here me when I sing in the shower. I certainly hope they don't hear me.....nevermind. It's odd. I know somehting about many of my neighbours, but I have never met them. There is someone in this building who has a wall scroll of Faye in his window and now I know one of my neighbours likes cowboy bebop. the old lady across the way always is watching tv all day and i can hear it in my apartment even. she is usually watching court shows and she is also jewish. it's snowing right now. snow is one of the prettiest things to happen in the city. for the last two weeks the high for the day is like five below zero. i went outside, all bundled up only to find that i could have walked around in a sweater and would have been just fine. it was about 32 degrees outside and although it may sound cold to some of you, that is super warm after these two weeks. it was a very nice change. and yet i experienced another almost completely pointless day at school. i only have one class on tuesdays and thursdays and it's biology. biology at the Illinois Institute of art is the lamest class and there are no labs, no homework, and today there was no teacher. she left some packets on her desk and everyone knew what to do. I finished the packet in fifteen minutes and left. it takes me at 35 minutes to get to class. and another 35 minutes to get back home, i spent more time getting home and back than i did in class. i feel so jipped. on the bright side, i got some extra time and finished one of four color theory projects due on feb. 3. It's the third week of class and i finally bought my biology book today. to my disgust, the book was $82. and the book i bought for english was $63. and the book i will have to by for colour theory will be $57. now i don't know whose bight idea it was to make these college text books for poor broke ass college kids painfully expensive, but if i find that person, i will kill him or her. thank god i work at gamestop and i got a 30% discount on all those books, but it was still super fucking expensive. i hope that when i sell them back i will get a decent amount of money for them. I'm trying to keep these books in like new condition. i keep them in plastic and everyhting. people must think i'm so weird for that. i posted a new pic of the week and it's a sketch of my next acen get up. i have to get the offical ok from connie and i am going to start making this costume. i'm also going to finally post acen pictures. actually i don't even know if i've even posted them already. well, i guess we;ll have to see.

2.11.03. 8:53 PM. I am going through a fit of depression. A long fit of depression. I know I've been cynical since I've gotten to school, but knowing that I am so lucky to have my very own apartment and attending a very expensive school, I wasn't depressed. There wasn't really time to be depressed. I was away from my apartment from 9 AM until 7 PM. I chose to take only 3 classes as opposed to 4 this quarter and NOW I have time to be depressed. I am so fucking depressed and I don't even know why. I should be happy. My parents are paying for my school and for this apartment. It was my birthday on the 7th and it was the worst birthday ever. I ditched class on Thursday to give me a little birthday vacation. I came home Wednesday night. Although being at home made me feel much better than being by myself in my apartment, my birthday still sucked. I feel so selfish and stupid, but I felt like no one paid attention to me on my birthday. My sister Mimi took us to some "hip" expensive ass sushi place downtown. Everyone was drinking saki and wine and stuff. I went with Dustin, Peggy, Mimi, and Anthony. In case you don't know, three of the four people are my siblings. The food tasted excellent. However Mimi and Peggy did nothing really but just talk to each other and Dustin and my brother did nothing but talk to each other which leaves me not talking to anyone and no one talking to me. When people were talking to me, well since I don't remember people talking to me, it must've not really have been significant. Sometimes Peggy would go on and on about Dean (you know, my stupid hick fat ass brother in law) and Peggy going on and on about my stupid fat ass haick brother in law was not my idea of a party. The sake made me sleepy and I think it made everyone else drunk. Now drunk people can laugh and have a good time, but sleepy people, well, want to sleep. Here I am selfish and petty again. Dopey didn't buy me a present because he is broke. I don't want to say money matters when picking out someone to date, but here, I've been dating the guy for almost three years now and he doesn't have a birthday gift for me. It's not just Dustin too. My parents didn't get me anyhting either. In summary, my birthday sucked. Maybe that's what's making me depressed? School fcuking blows right now. I don't mind English and I don't mind biology. What I DO mind tho is having to get up at six in the morning for color theory, where my teacher loves to talk about his two daughters he adopted from China and what a hero he is for adopting them and taking them back to the US becuase China is such a shitty country. I want to say somrthing to him, but this man has the power to change my grades. He's making my class (I'm the only Asian person there) think that CHina is the shittiest place int he world. Fuck that shit. Stupid fucking bigot. I'd hate to see what his children will turn out to be. I have to stop bitching and have to stop ditching class. I hope I pick myself up soon. I'd give anything to not be in this stupid senseless hole of depression.

2.18.03. 2:45 PM. ANother pointless day in class today. Biology lasted a whole 38 minutes. It takes me just about 38 minutes to get to the school. Still going through a fit of depression. Since my birthday sucked ass, I thought I could make up for it during Valentine's Day. Damn I was wrong. I figured that there are two reasons why I'm depressed. 1) The weather. It's cold outside and it's not even snowing. I know a lot of people hate snow, but look at the east coast. They are up to their necks in snow and they get to skip school and be excused for it. Goddam Connie and Yang Yang and Jackie and anyone else over there. 2) Money. We are all slaves to money. I have money, but I can't spend it. When I do spend it, I feel guilty. Since no one except for my sisters bought me birthday presents, I bought myself a birthday present. Chance Pop session vol. 2 and Fruits Basket vol. 1. It put me out of $50. damn. I was happy to watch the DVDs, but unhappy to lose money. Not like money should matter, but Dopey is broke. I had to pay for my Valentine's dinner and movie. Plus he owes me about $40 not including the pattern I bought for his ACEN costume. I sound so selfish and petty, I know. It's how I actually feel tho. Speaking of Acen, I got started on making my costume. After a shitty birthday, an ok valentine's day, and being depressed like mad, i decided to do somehting that made me happy. I cut out all the peices for the skirt and marked up the fabric so I knew were the pleats would go (if you don't know what I'm taliking about, check the picture of the week). It took me two hours to do this. I sewed the two back peices together and tried to iron the seams open, but when I did, this black shit started to pour out of the iron and got all over the skirt. I was so upset. I got the stain out mostly (if you look close, you can see it), but I was still pissed. It washed away the marks for the pleats that took me so freaking long to do. Feburary is a month for Birthdays. Mine, Adam B., Jackie, Cilla Chan, and Connie. I was trying to decide what to do for Connie. I thought maybe I would make her ACEN costume and give it to her as a gift, but then, I also thought "That costume will cost at least $30 to $60 to make." I'm not sure if I have the money to spare, but I would totally do it. I also would like to get her a slew of things like the book "Yell-Oh girls", Xenosaga, the "Asian Beauty Book" (which I want for myself), anything Chobits...I would love to spoil her, but I just don't have the money. I wish I could see Cilla Chan on her birthday too. In fact, I was invited to see Plain White T's with her and Dave on her birthday, but alas, I cannot go because I have to go to work to make money. Well, Dopey just called. He's coming over. I should clean the apartment.