Me

Growing up in a family of 4, Mom, Brother, Me, Sister, never to catch a glimpse of a father figure, my only parent, my loving mom did her best to raise us. She tried everything to teach us to respect her. She gave many methods a worthy attempt. First there was: rational conversation, then came spankings, then my favorite the reward system. As children my mothers kids never learned to appreciate all her sacrifice, to make her life easier. I look back on those days wishing we had a father, someone to support my loving mom, someone who's nature was to discipline with authority. Thinking back on my life I recall 3 psychological events that controlled how I became who I am today. I regret not having a father to talk to about these problems.

My first issue was something that stemmed from my potty training days. Not to say anything my mother did was in anyway abnormal or wrong, but how I learned it, how I interpreted it was, as I found out later, Psychologically damaging. At the age of 7, while using the bathroom one day, a single seemingly harmless event destabilized my psyche. In my mind as a child, whenever I went #er 2, I was doing something disgusting and vile, something no one under any circumstance should know I was doing. Yet the doors where we lived wouldn't support this mental bubble. Anyone could've heard a pin drop through 2 sets of doors over giggling children. So that day, just after I finished, still in my mental bubble that said no one could hear, know, or see what I was doing, I hear from my sister giggling in her room with her friends, "listen, did you hear that? Plop! Plop!" Somebody heard! Big deal right? Not for me. That event sparked a controling fear in my mind on a subconcious level. I now had a fear of taking a dump, paranoid that anyone would be able to see, hear, or know I was doing that. This however goes against human bodi;y functions, so after a while I started craping my pants. Not only did I live in fear of the action, but now I was forced into extreme embarasment whenever my bodily functions took over.

Luckily I wasn't a simple kid. I realized that it was an abnormal problem, and that it stemmed somewhere in my unknown psyche. I figured out after a while that the typical solution to a problem of this magnitude was probably very expensive professional counseling. I knew my mom's financial situation; that she couldn't afford to buy me shoes before they fell apart. So at that time, born of an issue of necessity, I became my own psychologist. I traced the problem in my mind to an irrational emotion that contradicted the very nature of who I was. I decided then to turn off my emotions and live of logic.

Without the confusing properties of emotion as the basis of my reasoning anymore, my mind flourished. I learned like a bottomless pit absorbing almost every drop of knowledge I came across. Throughout my life in school, learning to slowly reintegrate my emotion, I achieved whatever I desired effortlessly. So thinking back on it, this incredibly embarrassing part of my life wasn't really a loss. It was responsible for my abilities with logic, comprehension, and concentration.

The second problem I faced that controlled my mind much later in life, is much more common. When I came to the age of puberty, and I needed a male's guidance, I had no one to turn to. The hormones were growing stronger in my body every day, controlled what thoughts came into my mind. In school we are taught about the detrimental things that this sexual nature can do, such as STD's rape, and child abuse. Without any guidance I assumed, since all I knew of my nature was negative, that my very nature was to become a corrupted adult.

Two years later I found out something about life. I found the power of forgiveness. In an instant, the very moment I accepted the gift of Jesus, the weight of my world was removed. The power of this moment drew me to learn more about Him; realizing how true this part of the Bible was in my life, I knew that the rest of the Bible had to be truth. One by one, with the Holy spirit alive in my heart, I began to learn of the lies that I thought were truths. Things like reckless health, suggestive music, honoring parents, and my temperament. Everything was being transformed. One day some time shortly after I accepted the truth, Something new happened. While in the sound booth at my church, right as I looked, there were words in mid air. They were an image like a ghost. Being the intelligent person I've been made to be, I understood that I was seeing a double image, both what was happening in reality, and a foreign image being perceived by my mind. I understood inherently that this was God talking to me. He told me that I would die at the age of 22. Countless times I've questioned what the meaning is. Could this be: spiritual death, mental death, or is it as I think it is, Physical death.

Either way, this unbelievable knowledge that my life is limited, controlled all my goals and desires. Being a man, I have a strong desire for a wife. But I don't want to burden any woman that fell in love with me, the grief of losing me so soon in life. I dreamed for all my life that I remember of becoming a scientist since I'm interested in it, and I understand it naturally. But most of science is a laborious life consuming task, which I could not expect to have. I want like every American to own my own house, car, to have possessions of my own, and to be my own boss. My life is looking bleak. All of my natural desires contradict the idea of a short life.

So knowing of the abilities of the mind, knowing that humans greatest limits are those they make for themselfs, those they believe in, I choose to let my accomplishment in my short life to be my mind. I set out in a self prescribed mission to figure out the greatest problems in life that I've come across. I figure things out such as an engine that is so absurdly simple in its mechanics that it would vastly improve every aspect of the engine design and life span. I discover the boundless power of imagination. I learn how to perceive the world through anybody's or anything's point of view. I found out that all men and women are truly created equal; that by the immeasurably large differences in environment, parenting, and choices, each person is capable of being anybody else. If a serial killer were raised by the popes parents, in the popes environment and made the same choices, the serial killer would've become the pope. I've figured out all the scientific questions that I've come across. What is : light, Time, gravity, space...

In the midst of my mental challenge, in January of my 21^st year, I had something else happen that was to help clarify my situation. An answer to prayer. I rarely remember my dreams in any clarity, let alone what happened 5 seconds ago. So when I had a dream one day in January that I could recall better than I recall real life, a dream that had obvious symbolism, I knew this was a message from God. My dream started in the setting of my church. I was in the back by the sound booth with the sense of normalcy and continuity, nothing seemed out of place. In the next scene in my dream, I was outside on a city street in a residential area. I was in the middle of the road facing a house, up on the electrical lines were two large black crows illuminated by moonlight. One crow swooped down at my neck and I caught it in mid air with my right hand. Having completed this trial the concept of that crow disappears. Then the second crow swoops at me. I catch it with my left hand, but I'm not left handed. Lacking the necessary strength to contain this on my own power I begin to lose my grip. I immediately rush to the house before me and place the bird on the porch running parallel to the house with a strong sense of weakness. My image fades slightly and a man opens the door and stands there looking down at me. My dream ends there. To the best of my ability to interpret, the birds represent health issues. However I cannot be certain. I imagine the house could be a hospital, or God; perhaps both.

With the unbelievable visions and ability with concepts that I have come into through the chance of my life, I find I am in a box. If I tell anyone who I really am, why I behave like I do, they will almost without a doubt reject the notion of such ability, wisdom and knowledge from someone of my age. Even the concept of writing my life down like I just did leads me to doubt whether I should have at all. I will continue to live in my box, hoping that the knowledge of my own death is somehow mistaken. That I will be given the chance to live and accomplish goals. That I will be given a chance to share my knowledge that points right back to the very teachings of the Bible. I am 21 years old now. I don't have much longer to wait. [email protected] - www.geocities.com/mixinman7