I have somewhat of an annoying problem when meeting new people. Not only am I horrible at remembering names, but faces also tend to give me some difficulty; this persists sometimes even after several sober encounters with an individual. All too often someone will initiate conversation, the first few exchanges of which I’ll be consumed with trying to determine whether or not I’m meeting them for the first time, or have had some previous discourse with them. I don’t know how common this is among people, but I doubt that many would be willing to admit it if they frequently had problems recognizing previous acquaintances. In instances when we do forget someone who seems to recall us perfectly well, we try to avoid telling them of our slip in memory. Of course, it would be rude, and might hurt the feelings of the other person if we were to simply come out and say “hey, I don’t remember you at all!”

Why does a failed recollection evoke such awkwardness and possible ill feelings? We humans, being very social animals, have historically relied a great deal on non-kin interactions for passing our genes into the next generation. Ancestors of ours who were able to enter into mutually beneficial exchanges of reciprocal altruism, keeping mental records of other individuals’ behavior, punishing cheaters, and encouraging cooperators, had a reproductive advantage. Following the emergence of language, however, it wouldn’t have been enough to merely remember who gave us favors and who refused; the humans who made out best after language came around would have been those who could also convince others of their long memory of social encounters. Those who could not only recall, but communicate their ability to recall encounters from the distant past would encourage others to be more cooperative. Of course, there would have been a benefit to cooperating with someone who had long memory; such individuals would not quickly forget defective behavior and would be able to appreciate better a long history of mutual reciprocation.

This can help explain common patterns of conversation with acquaintances, friends, and even relatives, particularly among very old ones with whom we have only occasional contact. We tell stories of past experiences, revisiting old times to reassure ourselves and each other that this long history of mutual reciprocation is not forgotten. We tell these stories of the past to new and old acquaintances alike as if to say “my memory is good! I won’t forget favors or betrayals.”

Herein lies the awkwardness of not remembering other people. Such forgetfulness suggests that we might not be so capable of recalling previous patterns of cooperation, and thus would be less inclined to offer aid, and less deserving of its reception. Of course, no one at any type of social gathering, short of an evolutionary biologist, would articulate their thoughts in such a manner. Rather, we’re left with mild feelings of both awkwardness and guilt when we fail to remember a previous acquaintance. For readers who share this problem with me, my advice is simple; blame it on the drinks, and quickly tell a funny story of something that happened with a mutual friend. Either that, or rationally explain that a poorer than average memory of social interactions in no way diminishes your willingness to behave altruistically. This, of course, requires much more time to be invested, and when you’ve got a drink in the hand anyway…