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ENGLISH STUFF |
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| ROMANCE MATHEMATICS |
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Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy |
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| OFFICE ARITHMETIC |
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Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime |
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| SHOPPING MATH |
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A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. |
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| GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS |
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A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. |
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| HAPPINESS |
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To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all. |
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| LONGEVITY |
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Married men live longer than single men, but married men
are a lot more willing to die. |
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| MEMORY |
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Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use
in two people remembering the same thing. |
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| APPEARANCE |
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Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night. |
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| PROPENSITY TO CHANGE |
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A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and
she does. |
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| DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE |
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A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man
says after that is the beginning of a new argument. |
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| COMPREHENSION |
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There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a
woman: Before marriage and after marriage. |
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| HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED |
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Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in
the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next". They stopped after
I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. |
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| INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER |
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From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named Frank, who was visiting� Texas from the East Coast:
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that� spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted. |
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| Here are the scorecards from the event: |
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| CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI |
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| JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. |
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| JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. |
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| FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. |
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| CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI |
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| JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. |
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| JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. |
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| FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. |
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| CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI |
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| JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. |
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| JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. |
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| FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer. |
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| CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC |
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| JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. |
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| JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. |
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| FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an� aphrodisiac? |
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| CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER |
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| JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. |
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| JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. |
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| FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.� Screw those rednecks! |
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| CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY |
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| JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. |
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| JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. |
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| FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,� sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! |
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| CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI |
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| JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. |
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| JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. |
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| FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't� feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. |
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| CHILI #8 MARY'S MAGNIFICENT CHILI |
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| JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.� |
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| JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,� fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili. |
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(Copied from C&E News 1/23/95)
Math Teaching over the past 30+ years:
In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price.
What is his profit?
In 1970: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price, or $80.
What is his profit?
In 1970 (new math): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a st M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100,
and each element is worth $1,00. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M. The set C of the costs of production
contains 20 fewer points than set M. Represent the set C as a subset of M, and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?
In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: underline the number 20.
In 1990 (outcome-based education): By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the
forest birds and squirrels feel?) |
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Expect much from yourself and little from others.
You'll safe yourself a lot of disappointment. |
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