Background

New light is being shed on the origins of species largely in part from an intensive study done on Heckman.  Studying this living relic affords us an opportunity to map the evolution of this truly unique species while also providing us with something to laugh at.  It is not certain where  Heckman was first discovered but top researchers from the LABIA (Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes) organization hypothesize it was was in a garbage can.  Researchers recovered the ape like creature from a traveling freakshow and placed it under heavy scientific and anal research.  In 1975, out of sheer curiosity it was allowed to breed and has since then spawned several generations of half ape half human abominations.  Research was terminated in 1997 after one of the hybrids escaped its compound.  It is believed that the animal fled for Ohio somewhere in the Kane area were its appearance would easily blend with the local population.  Heckman must be returned to his testing facility as there are many more things society can learn from it.  At all costs Heckman must not be allowed to breed as the repurcutions would be epidemic.
Grandma Heckman
Papa Heckman
Grandma Heckman
Heckman
Grandpa Heckman
Generation 1
Generation 2
Generation 3
Hopefully the
Last Generation
The Heckman Lineage
Public Warning
What to do if you see Heckman
1.  Don't panic
2.  Cover the eyes of any children in the immediate area
3.  Make loud noises (like banging pots and pans)
4.  If it doesn't run away douse it with beer
5.  Beat the shit out of it and roll it up in a carpet
6.  Call authorities to have it picked up and returned to its cage
Heckman has escaped captivity!
Heckman was last spotted running free around Allegheny College.  Luckily the students knew how to respond by dumping Natty Ice on him and then beating him senselessly with a broom stick.  Unfortunately he escaped before authorities arrived at the scene.  If you have any information on the whereabouts of Heckman call 1-800-HECKMAN-IS-APE-SHIT
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