If She Only Knew

By: Rei

It was the most beautiful day that I had ever seen in all the times I have visited Ningenkai. The sky is blue, with no hint of clouds, the sun shining brightening up everything and anyone it touches with its light. Even the people were smiling, as if the weather reflected their moods. It was, as they usually say, a day where nothing can go wrong, where there is no place for sadness and gloom.

I was inside the mansion looking at the garden outside. I’ve run into several people I’ve known and don’t. Shizuru had just asked me to come with her outside, I shook my head and said that I’ll be with them shortly. I wanted to be alone for awhile.

I know that I should be as happy as these humans I’ve passed by. I should be glad that someone very close to me will be able to finally marry. After a long and grueling period of waiting, they will be able to spend the rest of their lives together.

Instead, I felt that my heart had been shattered to a million, tiny pieces. A hollow pain twisted in my gut and it refuses to go away no matter how much I want to. I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness invading my heart. I felt empty. Bereft.

I sighed. Why am I being so selfish? I should be glad right? Not even the sights of the flowers gracing the garden comforted me. One thing mattered to me: she’s gone. The only woman that I have ever loved in my whole life is gone.

It was all my fault. There were so many chances for me to change things for the two of us, but I never used them. Talk about stupidity at its best. I sighed and decided that I should go out now and meet the others, they must be wondering what had happened to me. I brushed an imaginary lint on my dark blue coat and opened the double doors towards the garden.

" Finally, you came!" Keiko said, smiling at me warmly. Beside her was Yusuke who also smiled at me although it was a little jokingly. " Looks like you managed to skip the office work back in Reikai eh, Koenma?" He kidded.

I glared at him. " That’s Koenma-sama to you and I could leave Reikai whenever I want to." I said hotly. Yusuke laughed and let out a choke when his wife nudged him at the sides. Everyone else was laughing too.

" Aw c’mon Yusuke-kun, quit making fun of Koenma-sama." Amiko, the new Reikai Tantei, said but she was laughing. " Or Botan-san will kill you." That earned another round of laughter from the group. But I wasn’t laughing along.

Kuwabara was smiling widely. " Lucky Botan-chan, she managed to snag the most eligible bachelor in Japan!" He said.

" I hope you’re not talking about me again." Another voice piped in. It was Kurama who as always looked handsome in his black suit. Kuwabara and Yusuke had unreadable expressions on their faces while his fiancée, Tsubame, a blue-black haired girl in a red strapless gown, was muttering about a certain vain, self-centered, redheaded bishounen.

Kurama heard her. " Thank you for those kind words, sweetheart." He said. " I know that you don’t mean them."

" Hah." She said, but was smiling at him. Then she turned to me. " Hi, Koenma! It’s good to see you again."

" So am I." I said simply.

They continued talking about Botan and Katsue, which made me feel worse than I am already. Maybe I shouldn’t have come if I knew that I would have to deal with this. But I knew that I can’t let her down. I am her trusted friend and employer, it would really mean a lot to her if I came to her wedding.

Yukina arrived a few minutes later with her twin brother Hiei not far behind. Kuwabara went into one of his lovesick frenzies and went to her while the three-eyed fire demon was almost halfway to using his katana and slash the orange-haired idiot who was making goo-goo eyes at his sister. I stifled a laugh. I don’t blame him.

" Really glad you guys made it!" A low voice said. I knew whose voice it was and I dreaded it. We watched a man in a black tuxedo approaching us. I have to admit that he was so handsome with his long, straight, shoulder length black hair which reminded me of Karasu, but none of the bomber’s violent nature and his blue eyes could turn a girl into mush. He practically has everything: good looks, wealth, a talent for photography and now adding to his list was a certain sapphire haired woman who will become his wife a few hours from now. Now he really is blessed. I thought sarcastically.

Tsubame rushed to him and poked him on the ribs. " What do you know the groom makes his appearance!" She said jokingly then added with a sly smile on her lips. " Well how does it feel to tie the knot with the most beautiful girl in this world?"

" Happy as any man could be. So, when's your wedding day?" Katsue bit back, his smile was as shrewd as his friend.

As I watch them tease one another, sometimes I wondered why Tsubame and Katsue didn’t end up together. They were so close ever since their elementary days. But I knew why. Because they never saw each other as more than friends and it was so obvious how she is totally in-love with Kurama and he with her.

Then to my surprise, Katsue turned to me. I stiffened. What now? He gave me a grateful smile. " I’m glad you came. Botan would be very happy to see you." He said. I knew that she would be.

 I contemplated if I should knock on the door or leave. Wanting to see her for the last time was not a bad idea at first, which is why I quietly left Yusuke’s group and went inside the mansion, but when I got upstairs I felt a little embarrassed. I raised my hand to knock then I thought better of it. I turned to leave, but froze when the door opened and Botan in her lovely white wedding dress was standing in front of me.

She was so beautiful! I thought. Her azure hair, which was usually on a ponytail, was loose and pinned in an elaborate manner that left a few wisps of hair framing her face. Her violet eyes were sparkling and the long sleeved, backless white silk wedding gown enhanced her figure.

She was surprised to see me and I just gaped at her, speechless.

" Who’s at the door, Botan-san?" Hinageshi peered over at Botan’s shoulder. " Hello, Koenma-sama! What brings you here?"

I cleared my throat. " Can I talk to you, Botan-chan?" I asked.

Botan nodded and Hinageshi stared at us then frowned, but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she left the room with a wave in our direction.

She let me in the room. " I’m glad that you could make it, Koenma-sama. I know how busy your are and --!"

" Botan." I stared at her closely.

"H-hai, Koenma-sama?" She asked and I can see that she was a little nervous at my behavior.

I approached her, uncertain on what I should do. I stopped a few inches in front of her. She stared at me expectantly. Before I could say anything, I suddenly enveloped her in a fierce hug.

The hug surprised us both. I felt her stiffen, but then she relaxed and hugged me back. It felt good to hold her close to me. No actually, it felt right. So right, it's absolutely perfect. I don't care that this is only for a while, what matters most is that she is in my arms.

If she only knew  
What I knew but couldn’t say
If she could just see
The part of me that I hid away
If I could just hold her in my arms again
And just say I love you
But she’s gone away; maybe she’d stay
If she only knew  

Botan disengaged herself in my arms and smiled shyly at me. " Thank you, Koenma-sama, for being happy for me." She said.

Happy for her?! I thought. I know that I should say that I am, but I cannot lie to myself. Yet I know it would hurt her if I told her that I’m not. So I didn’t say anything. Coming up here was a bad idea. I have to leave before I do something I will regret for the rest of my life. Like kissing her perhaps. I turned to leave but she stopped me.

" Hai?" I said, not facing her. I can feel her shift uncomfortably from where she was standing. Then I heard her take a deep breath. " Um, I was wondering if you could give me away. At the wedding that is." She said nervously.

I nearly fell apart with what she had just said. Did I hear her right? Was she asking me to give her away on the most special day of her life? To walk with her along the aisle so that someone else could claim her? To the man she would spend the rest of her life with? What she was asking me was not only impossible, but painful as well.

She continued babbling. " I know I should’ve asked you earlier, but things were busy here and well, let’s just say I never got the time to tell you."

" Why me? Can’t you ask Yusuke? Kuwabara? Kurama? Or even Hiei?" I asked. Yeah, maybe the koorime would be more than willing to give her away. Right. Like that would happen.

She laughed. " They’re okay, but I want you."

" Why?" I insisted. Why me? Why do I have to do the one thing I can’t do with all my heart?

" Because you’ve been such a great friend to me, y’know like a brother. Well? Please?"

She was looking at me hopefully. Now I understood why Hiei couldn't say no to Yukina. " Okay, if that’s what you want." I said quietly, still stung at her last remark. Is that how she thinks of me? A friend? A brother?

She smiled brightly at me. " Oh thank you, Koenma-sama!"

A knock was heard and the door opened. It was Yusuke and Hinageshi. " Sorry to interrupt, but we’re about to start." She said.

" Okay!" Botan smiled at her.

" We better get going then." Yusuke had said then turned to me. " You’re the one giving the bride away? Lucky you." He grinned at me.

I sighed. What does he know? I offered my arm to Botan and she looped her arm to mine, she was grinning at me just like the old days when Yusuke and the others were the Reikai Tantei. I smiled back or I hoped I tried to smile back at her, ignoring the ache in my heart.

If she could just feel  
What I feel here in my heart
She’d know it was real
Pure and true right from the start
But I’m just a man who didn’t understand
What she was going through
But she’s gone away; maybe she’d stay
If she only knew

Is it too late? I wondered as we went downstairs towards the garden. I can see that the rest of the bridal party was here. Keiko was her matron of honor, Ayame and Hinageshi, two of her closest friends and former co-workers, were the bridesmaids. Amiko and Yusuke were the ones in charge of the veil while Shizuru and Kuwabara were the ones holding the cord. It's obvious, Koenma. My mind said.

" Are we all set now?" Ayame asked and smiled in my direction. The others nodded or cheered in affirmative.

            Everyone stepped outside for the wedding procession. I can hear Botan counting nervously beside me. " You’ll be fine, don’t worry." I reassured her, like the great friend she thought of. She smiled at me.

I can hear the orchestra playing the wedding march of Longhenrin by Mendossohln. It was an attractive song, but to me it sounded more like I was listening to a requiem than a wedding song. Each step I take with her along the aisle was agonizing for me. It felt like I was dying little by little.

To make things worse, the groom along with the best man, a colleague of his in photography was beaming at the beautiful bride. I restrained myself from glaring at Katsue, knowing that I would be too obvious on how I feel for his bride. That is the last thing I want them to see.  

And how, how did I let her get away?  
‘Cause love, love is so easy to feel
But the hardest thing to say

When we got there by the altar, I escorted her towards Katsue. This was the worst thing I had ever done in my whole life. I was very reluctant to let her go, no matter how my mind said that I have to, just like the father of the bride. But I’m no father of the bride, father of the brides are happy and proud of their daughters. Me? I was hardly beaming with pride. If I had my way, I would never let her go. Ever.

I extended my hand to the groom who took it and we shook hands. It was a firm handshake. Then he patted my arm. " Arigato gozaimas, Koenma-sama." He said.

I nodded. I knew what he meant. I was the one who processed the papers back in Reikai to turn Botan into a ningen, I was the one who gave them the go signal for them to marry and I was the one who supported them in taking such a big step in their lives.

Botan turned to me and gave me a kiss on my cheek. She let go of my arm and took Katsue’s hand. I watched them look at each other with love and I knew that that’s my cue to leave.

It was so hard.

If she could just see  
What I see when I close my eyes
All that I dream
Surely she would realize
But like a fool I waited much too long
To let her know the truth
She’s gone away; maybe she’d stay
If she only knew  

I went to my seat and watched the ceremony. I wanted to ignore it, but I can't as if my eyes were locked on the bride and groom, torturing myself in the process. My heart is slowly, but surely being blanketed in the cloak of melancholy.

" Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in the sacrament of holy matrimony….’’ The priest said.

I hardly heard the priest droning on about the sacrament of matrimony as I remembered the times I had with Botan. The fights we had and the times we have been there for each other. When have I started loving her? I had no idea. We have been together for so long that I never realized I was already in-love with her. Hey, she is easy to love despite of her ditzy and bubblebrained personality. What attracted me were her laughter, her happy nature, and her quiet strength that gave me the reason to go on living with my life and the way she cared for people. The way she cared for me, where she kept on reminding me not to overexert myself in my work.

At first I was surprised that I loved a mere ferrygirl, but then I realized that love never chooses the person you love. It just happens.

I didn’t tell her how I felt for her then since I knew that it would only make her uncomfortable. She was enjoying our friendship and I didn’t want to complicate things up with her by telling her that I love her. Not to mention that it would be very unprofessional of me to do that. Besides, I’m a patient guy; I could wait practically forever for the perfect chance to tell her how much I love her and how much I want to spend the rest of my life with her. With that in mind, I was pretty confident that she will be able to love me back. Even when Katsue Terada came into our lives and Botan started to like him, I was still sure of myself.

But I waited too long. I never realized this until the time they announced their engagement. It was too late for me. Real late.

That became a constant reminder every time I remember the two coming at my office with hopeful and apprehensive expressions on their faces when they asked for my approval of their engagement and later on their marriage.

Won't you tell me, tell me how  
How did I let her get away?
‘Cause I guess the love
Love is so easy to feel
But the hardest thing to say

She will never be mine now. My mind kept on saying during the sleepless nights I spent in my bed tossing and turning. I berated myself for being too slow and on how stupid I was for not telling her sooner. Now she will never know.

Katsue’s love for her was just as true as mine. The only difference was that he had the guts to express it, while I just didn’t say anything and let nature take its course. Ok, so I was a wimp.

I never realized that the ceremony was over when I heard the priest saying to the couple that they can kiss. Botan was staring shyly at Katsue who grinned at her and pulled her gently into his arms and gave her a kiss on her lips. Kuwabara was the first person who let out a loud cheer, which Tsubame seconded. The others followed suit while I just sat there, silent, stunned and hurt.

She will never be mine now.

If she only knew
What I knew, but could not say
If she could just see
The part of me that I hid away
If I could just hold her in my arms again
And just say I love you
She’s gone away; maybe she’d stay
If she only knew

The reception was at the ballroom inside the mansion and everyone went there. I hesitated to enter the large room, but Hinageshi and Ayame grabbed each of my hands and practically dragged me inside. There, I saw people congratulating the bride and groom.

" Best wishes." Kurama said as he hugged Botan and gave her a light kiss on the cheek. Then he gave a light clap on the groom's back. Tsubame, who was along with him, was more spontaneous in congratulating the couple. She nearly pounced on them whom she gave each a very tight hug. The two nearly turned blue with the way she had embraced them. " Be happy!" Was all she said before she left with Kurama.

Amiko and Shizuru greeted the bride and groom the same way as Tsubame, but without the pounces and suffocating hugs. They left waving jauntily at them. Keiko and Botan were both tearful as they hugged each other and kept on talking incoherently. Yusuke was a little awkward in congratulating his former sprit guide, but gave her a quick hug and a hearty handshake for the groom.  

Kuwabara had no problems expressing himself on the couple. He gave Botan a bonecrushing hug and a noisy kiss on the cheek and then nearly dislocated Katsue’s vertebrae when he gave him a strong slap on the back. Yukina, who was beside him, bowed to the both of them. Hiei, who seem to act like a chaperon for his sister, stared at the couple blankly until Yukina gave him a gentle push. He scowled at her, but his face instantly softened. What he said next took us completely by surprise.

" Take care of her." Hiei was saying to Katsue. " Or else." He indicated his katana.

Katsue nodded, looking pale while Botan was gaping at him, she was still gawking at him when he shook her hand. Hinageshi kept on embracing her and crying, telling her how much she will miss her mentor. Ayame who wished them luck and happiness for both of them comforted the red-haired ferrygirl. I watched them as they leave, thinking on how much they will miss her. I would too, but in a much different way.

Then came my turn. I already had a congratulatory message in my mind, something that doesn't reveal anything except the best of intentions. But when I was in front of her, my elaborate greeting vanished into the deep recesses of my brain. " Uhm, I…." I said instead.

Botan was giggling. I knew that she had never seen her boss at a loss of words before, which was rare. What can I say to the woman who is everything to me but is now the wife of somebody else?

" Congratulations." I finally said. " I hope you two would be very happy."

She smiled. " Arigato, Koenma-sama." She said then gave me a hug. I faced her new husband. My emotions may be in turmoil, loathing at this man who had taken her away from me, but I was sensible enough to hide them. Yet my eyes were silently sending him a warning not to hurt her, to protect and love her at all times, daring him to meet up my challenging gaze.

His blue eyes met my own hazel ones without wavering. " No need to worry, Koenma-sama, I would take great care of Botan. You can guarantee that from me. I love her as much as you do." He said, the last statement was spoken out in an earnest manner. I was startled that he had guessed my true feelings for her, then he gave me one of his grins and extended his hand. We shook hands for the second and final time, like two professional athletes congratulating one another after a hard, but cleanly fought contest. May the better man win. That sort of thing.*

Before I left, Katsue said in a gentle voice: " I hope you find happiness, Koenma." The suffix –sama was not there, I noticed. Despite of what he knew, he still thinks of me as a friend and wishes me well. Now I knew why Botan loves him, he has a good heart. No hatred, no grudges. I nodded.

If she only knew, if she only knew  
What she knew, if she knew
Baby she’d stay, but she ran away
Why’d she have to go away
‘Cause the one I didn’t see
Don’t know what to do
Oh God, how I wish that she knew
You gotta know that baby
I know you feel it baby  

I watched the party in progress and saw how happy the bride and groom were. It was still painful knowing that I had never and will never tell her much I loved her. It still hurts me that she belongs to somebody else and that she will never belong to me. Not now. Not ever.

As Botan threw the bouquet to a group of ladies who made a mad dash for it, she turned to me and gave me a smile. I was taken aback by the smile she gave me because it was not her usual I’m-perky smile. It was a smile of regret. For a brief moment, our eyes met and I can see the wistful look in her mauve eyes.

Then it was gone as fast as it had appeared as she turned back to face Katsue. He smiled at her then gave her a quick kiss on the lips. Everyone cheered. I stood up, knowing that it was time for me to go. But as I left the ballroom, my lips began to form a smile. At first it was a small one then it grew wider. I was smiling broadly when I completely left the room.

She knew.

============================

Author’s note:

The asterisk (*) at the congratulatory part between Koenma and Katsue was taken from a book " Blind Faith" by Joe McGinniss. I felt that it was appropriate to write that line although I think most readers would not like to see Botan as a contest to be won.

This is my first time to write and finish a fanfic (a songfic for that matter) in such a short time. I hope you guys like it and I hope it’s not too fast for you. Comments, corrections and suggestions are welcome, but be gentle! E-mail me at [email protected].

You might be wondering who the heck are Tsubame, Amiko and Katsue. Well…you'll see them again in my other fanfics (more to come).

Disclaimer: Except for the three characters I’ve mentioned above, the rest of Yu Yu Hakusho characters are not mine and will never be (waah!). 98 Degrees and their song "If She Only Knew" are not mine either. So don’t sue me, I just graduated and I have no job to support myself yet.

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