I heard about your number one too, that’s cool -
You kept that Westlife shit off number one, heh – shit – a ‘number
2’!
But then again you know Bob, I’m pissed, what you did to ‘Stan’,
Number one? you’re just some f---ed up BBC marketing scam!
Knock me off the top spot? You’ll pay for that, man.
But if you finish my roof this week we’ll just forget about that.
You’d better get this, plastic man, so call me back.
Work on my house, I wanna see sweat and blood –
Before we flood.
(Chorus)
My sale's gone cold, I'm wondering why I…
Got to number one at all.
A rapper loses to a builder....
Who isn’t real at all
But it’s better than a Westlife number one,
So the hole left in my wall
Reminds me that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad…..
Dear Bob,
When you gonna finish my f---ing extention?
I know I’m just a customer but I at least deserve a mention.
If you didn’t wanna fix the roof you didn’t have to,
But you could have put the tools back right man, just like I do.
Think of Pilchard, man, she’s just a cat!
She didn’t know it would f---ing hurt to step on that!
That's pretty shitty man – leave your cat at home.
And ain’t the fucking tea enough? Leave the f---ing muffins alone!
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to,
You said it would be done by Christmas if I’d really like it to.
You hardly started! Here’s the proof –
Remember that hole in the roof?
It’s still f---ing there! And the pigeons watch when I’m feeling randy!
Oh F---, man, I *knew* I should have called Handy Andy….
(Chorus)
Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-pick-up-a-saw,
I’ve written complaints ‘til my fucking hands were raw,
It's been six months and still roof - I don't deserve it!
I want my deposit back, no s---.
The work you’ve done ain’t worth it.
You’ll be on Watchdog on Friday night – I hope you see it!
I’ve told Anne Robinson what you’ve done – and SHE don’t take NO s---!
I'm in the car right now, I’ll be at the BBC by five,
Hey Bob, I’ve got my Weakest Link T-shirt on - you dare me to drive?
All I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
Just to tell me why the fuck you never fixed that wall.
You were great, Bob, we could have fixed it together!
When Anne winks at you, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about
it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the Beeb, like you care…
Oh shit, I forgot – Bob f---ing works there!
(car tires squeal)
(CRASH)
(brief silence)
Anne Robinson:
“Slim Shady, you ARE the weakest link. Goodbye.”
(Chorus)
Dear Slim,
I meant to write you sooner but I got broke in half.
An accident in BBC props – some git’s idea of a laugh.
Look, Slim, I’m really flattered that you think so much of my cat,
But I really didn’t dye it – Pilchard was born like that!
I’m sorry I left the tools out, I put them away I’m sure.
And Pilchard’s fine now, he only cut one paw.
But what’s all this about Watchdog, and Anne Robinson too?
I’m a lump of plastic on TV!
C'mon - how f---ed up are you?
You got some issues Slim, I think you need some counselling,
I’m not real! You drop me on the floor and I just start bouncin’!
All you have to do is buy a f---ing pack of clay,
Then you can bloody make your own, and make it fix all day.
I really think you need to find a proper builder,
Or maybe treat your house a little better,
I hope you get to read this letter,
I just hope it reaches you in time
Slim, why are you so mad?
That’s the only number one I’ve ever had!
I saw this one s--- on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was told he was the weakest link
And had Anne Robinson sit on his face.
Man, he never came back from that place.
And in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to.
Come to think about, his house was falling apart.... it was you.
Thank f--- for that!
Right, let’s get some work done!
.
By Miranda 2001