Shopping channels
have a reputation for being cheesy. And it's true - they are - which
makes them such
great entertainment for those days when there's just nothing else on
TV to keep you
amused. I've found myself watching QVC on a number of occasions in
the past and laughing
out loud at a number of comments made by presenters who make
a career out of
hamming it up. Here are a selection of comments I couldn't resist making
a note of!
*
Simple Green cleaning
products:
*
“You get two whopping cans of the foam, Julian!”
*
“You get two delicate scourers….” (HUH???)
*
“You can use it on LAUNDRY, Julian!”
*
“You can use it on animals! Use Simple Green on your pets!”
*
“All in one fail swoop, Julian!”
*
“I don’t know what wood this is but, Julian, your point
is correct…”
*
“I don’t know but perhaps you’ve got an upholstered chair at home,
Julian…. HAVEN’T you, Julian????”
*
The first batch of
Christmas merchandise, September 1998:
*
The Today’s Special Value: Fibre optic decorative flowers…
*
“It’s rather like looking at the glowing embers of a fire…”
*
“Say, if you want to preen it a little bit… you can give it a little
preen if you like!”
*
“They very silently rotate… I promise you, you can’t hear it.”
*
“It’s rather like watching fireworks during the day…”
*
“You just sit there and stare at them all day!”
*
“You just plop that in the top there and… switch on!”
*
The 480 Diodes Net Light Set:
*
“You can wrap it round a tree, you can throw it over a hedge…”
*
“So if a small child walked into it and, say, broke one of the
connections…”
“You’re quite right. It wouldn’t all go out.”
*
“If you’ve just tuned in and you’re wondering what’s going on,
no it’s NOT the sky at night...”
*
“It’s a net, a NET of lights…”
*
“Plug it into a nice dry power point…”
*
“You can imagine it dangling down from the roof of a conservatory…”
*
The Tree Light tester – a pack of two! What do you need 2
for? Testing in stereo?!
*
“You never know if it’s good or bad until you plug it in…”
*
“You can always be sure those little wires are… nice…” (I think
he forgot the end of his sentence!)
*
“I fear I’m repeating myself…”
*
“I’m going to enjoy sitting next to this snowman…”
*
“The pine is like a red-coloured pine…” (Since when has pine been
red?!)
*
A 2ft Fibre Optic Musical Christmas Tree, called Douglas
Firr:
*
“That would be a great wheeze, wouldn’t it?!”
*
“Not only can you have fun with people where you hide surreptitiously
behind a door and sing into the microphone…”
*
A 4ft Karaoke Talking Christmas Tree:
*
“This amazing piece of technology…”
*
“Mimicking a news reader! That’s the type of fun you can
have!”
*
“You’ve also got the option of your Christmas tree singing like
your favourite pop group!”
*
A string of lights:
*
“It’s about 36ft-ish, or am I just getting carried away there?!”
*
“19 inches is a good price…” (HUH???)
*
“What did we just looked at..?!”
*
*
Christmas Products
1999:
*
The Fibre optic Christmas Tree with Year-Round fantasy lamp:
*
“You can see what the beautiful value of it is on the telly.”
*
“…But at the end of the day, why not just spend something which
just makes you smile?” (What??)
*
“It’s greatly modularised…”
*
“It’s like a little Millennium Dome in your own home!”
“Only for a fraction of the price! AND it will be ready
on time…”
*
“QVC is there from when you’re on in the morning to when you come
home at night. Any other channel, we
just don’t watch.”
*
“You know, I’m almost drawn into this tree…”
*
“When you’re sharing your Christmas Deckies…”
*
“I always think of Austria when I think of ferris wheels.”
*
“It actually does come with buttons… with buttons?! With
batteries!”
*
“They are gorgeous! You’ll love them when you get them home…”
*
“Give ‘em a ring on the bulb hotline!”
*
Back to Mixed Insanity