The Millennium Survival Guide:
by Miranda 2001
1: Don’t try to convince yourself
life will miraculously improve after the Millennium. You’ll only be disappointed.
Instead, try to console yourself with the thought that whatever happens,
at least you’ll never have to face another hangover *this* bad again.
2: Practice in advance writing
‘00’ at the end of the date *without* giving in to the urge to draw little
eye-balls inside the naughts.
3: Do NOT visit the Millennium Dome unless you really
need a giant umbrella
4: Don’t forget to stock up with necessary supplies:
Ear plugs (to
block out that new year’s eve last-ditch overplay of ‘1999’),
Alka Seltza (for
combating the wild partying from *the night before*),
Alka Seltza (for
combating the comfort drinking from *the night before*, when you realized
you were the one sad person who was spending their Millennium on their
own in front of the TV),
Fly Spray (to
combat all those Millennium Bugs - less technically minded people only),
New diary (to
fill out ‘Jan 1st’, then leave the rest of the 365 days in the year blank
).
5: Learn the official script of the Millennium beforehand:
“It’s nearly midnight!”......*BONG*.......
“Hooray! Happy new year!......... Hang on - is that *it*?!”
6: Take comfort in the fact
that chances are you’ll never have to see another Millennium, unless of
course you happen to be a Tory back-bencher who have probably each seen
at least three already.
7: The Millennium Bug will only hit you if you’re
100% confident that it won’t do.
8: Don’t fly anywhere over
the Millennium - your arms will get very tired.
9: Don’t despair if you have no where to go and no
one to spend the Millennium with - there are plenty of other pointless
activities you can do instead. Why not try wasting your time completely
by -
Attempting to make sense of
a Party Political Broadcast
Teaching penguins to run a
marathon
Watching paint dry
Trying to make paint change
colour purely by the power of your mind
Expecting the Queen to do a
bit of ironing
Having conversations with answer
phones
Playing Eurovision songs backwards
and expecting an improvement
Planning your Millennium party
for 2999
Looking for a working telephone
box
Expecting your computer not
to crash for an entire day
Snorkeling in the bath
Expecting adverts not to be
annoying
Hoping the rain will stop in
a minute
Convincing yourself that you
‘don’t need to go out to have a good Millennium’
10: If the world happens to end that night, take
comfort in the fact that at least now you’ll never have to watch another
show presented by Dale Winton ever again.
If you follow these simple guidelines, your Millennium
should be as smooth and successful as possible. Be sure to pass them on
to those who need a helping hand with their Millennial preparations, and
also to those, who like me, believe the Millennium is a load of over-hyped
b*******.......
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