Things
Be afraid..... be slightly afraid......
There are many types to be frightened of, dear friends. There are the square cartons which you're supposed to snip at the corner and make a pouring lip. What you actually make, I'm afraid, is a mess. And then there are the good old milk bottles. Not a real foe, you might think, but wait until one day you press a little too hard on the lid and it ends up floating in the cream.... But the scariest of them all are the little bastards they give you in Mc Donalds. The milk containers which aren't big enough to drown a flea in. But big enough to squirt straight in your eye the moment you open one. They are not only evil - they are the packaging of the devil....
2) Dolls -
I've moaned about them before, but it's time to describe just how evil they are. The fact is, there's something very disturbing about those adverts. As though the dolls themselves weren't bad enough, we now have adverts showing how they cry, wet themselves, eat, do advanced mathematics, plan to take over the world, etc etc. Any advert that opens with the line 'Whose little eyes do I see here?', alongside a shot of some very creepy doll eyes has got to be evil from the start. But there is an even WORSE part to all of this - the little girls who star in the adverts along side the dolls. You watch them more carefully next time - they all have the same neck malfunction, which makes them swing their head from side to side while attending to their doll and singing their cheesy song. Which leads me neatly onto....
3) Britney Spears's Neck -
It surely cannot be human. No piece of flesh and bone can move like that neck does. Trust me - it's very evil....
4) Phones -
I will never understand how the mobile revolution got started. You see, phones have a mysterious power about them. The power to reduce me to a quiverring wreck whenever I think about picking one up. There must be something implanted into telephone handsets to twist my mind. They are set off by the voice command, 'Hello?' and begin transmitting their secret signal which not only wipes every speck of knowledge from my mind but also completely destroys my ability to string two words together. Example:
"Hello?"
"Hi, is Miranda there?"
"Yes, she's here.... I mean, I am.... I am.... ahhh... I mean I'm her... and I'm here.... hello?"
5) Goldeen -
See my Pokemon theories for more information. I will dedicate the rest of my life to raising awareness to her evilness if I have to.....
6) Craig Charles's Poetry -
Craig Charles - Brilliant actor, great presenter, nice bloke..... BUT..... as soon as Robot Wars finishes he destroys your will to live with just a smattering of words.....
"You can ask for robot presents from santa Claus,
But you'd better beg for mercy from Robot Wars...."
7) Claims Ads -
Every single ad break, people encourage you to have an accident so that you can claim lots of money. Clearly the most disturbing advert is the one where some bloke was awarded several thousand pounds for stepping on a piece of wood that shouldn't have been there.... Now, I don't think I'll be over reacting when I say that there are probably hundreds of bits of wood out there who have been victims of woodicide, being crushed under the feet of someone who wants to con a million out of them.
8) 'Charlie Says....' adverts -
Oh yes, we all paid attention to them when we were kids, didn't we? They taught us not to go off with strangers and to always do the right thing. But it's only now, when I look back, that I wonder exactly what was meant by the line, "I got an apple and Charlie got something he likes....."
9) Tom Jones -
Whose idea was it to get him to make recods with 'cool' young stars? The idea was to boost him image - what happened was that it dragged the young star's images down....'Mama Told Me Not To Come'? Not much chance of that with you around, Tom.....
10) Taxi Rides -
So what do you do - do you try to make conversation with the taxi driver or do you sit like a statue in the back and not say a word? In the past, taxi rides were few and far between but since starting my new job I've had to catch a taxi from the station to work every morning and I think all the taxi drivers in Dorking have been on the same conversation course. I feel sure I get fed the same script every single morning. And quite frankly I'm begining to lose interest in the joke about the petrol crisis and the deisel pump.....
There are many more evil objects in this world. The world is a dangerous place, my friends.....
Don't have nightmares......
