"Alex, you always look fantastic," Ed told her, then he grinned as he added, "but never as much as you do tonight."

He studied her carefully. There was something different about her. The way she was acting. The way she was smiling. She seemed more relaxed than she had with him in the past.

"I really want things to work out tonight," she told him.

Ed smiled into the darkness.

"So do I," he said quietly.
 
 

Ed’s car spun out of control.

"What’s happening?!!" cried Alex.

"I don’t know," gasped Ed, "it feels like all four tyres just burst!" The car came to a halt and they tumbled out. "Ahh.... that’s probably because all four tyres did just burst."

"Oh what?" cried Alex. The road was littered with broken glass and the tyres were damaged beyond repair. "Oh well, at least it’s not an engine killer."

"No, more like a tyre killer," said Ed.

"Or a passion killer", sighed Alex, "so, what now? We can’t get back without a car and we can’t get to the restaurant either."

Ed glanced around.

"I think I can see some buildings. Maybe we can phone for help."

"Didn’t you bring your mobile?"

"I didn’t want us to be disturbed."

"Looks like we’ll have to see if they’ve got a phone in one of those, then."

"Come on," sighed Ed, "let’s call for help."
 

They set off down the road to a row of three buildings. One was a tiny car show room which had been shut down through insufficient funds. The next was a shop, closed for the night. It was called ‘Supertech Scales LTD’ and Ed peered through the shutters to see the stock.

"What’s in there then?" asked Alex.

"Scales," said Ed.

"And?"

"And more scales."

There was a pause.

"Is that all?"

"And a few tills."

"Oh great."

"Never mind," said Ed, "there’s one other place to try." They moved along to the third building which was an off-license. "Ahh - that’s more like it! They’re bound to have a phone."
 
 

They stepped inside and glanced around.

"Hello?" called Alex.

"Any one here?" asked Ed.

A woman came through from the back of the shop.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I hope so," said Ed, "our car is in a bit of a bad way and we need to call for some help. Could we use your phone?"

"Of course," smiled the woman, pushing the phone across the counter.

"Thanks," said Ed. First he tried calling his local garage but there was no reply. Then he tried calling both Ros and Beckett’s mobiles but both were switched off.

"No luck?" asked Alex.

"No," sighed Ed, "I hate to say it but I think we’re gonna have to call a rescue service...."

Before he had a chance, he was interrupted by a yell from the door. He turned to see three figures standing there, dressed in black from head to toe, wearing daft balaclavas and sporting very large guns.

"ON THE FLOOR!!!" one of them yelled.

"Oh hell," muttered Ed, pulling Alex to the ground. He had no chance of stopping these intruders. Not with no weapon himself. He didn’t want to endanger Alex’s life in any way. He put his arms around her as one of the figures charged at the counter.

"Don’t even think about setting off the alarm," he yelled, thrusting a sack at the woman, "put all your money in this - now!"

Petrified, the woman did as she was told and moments later the figures were driving away several thousand pounds richer.

"Oh dear," commented Ed.

He and Alex had to wait while the woman called the Police, then had to give statements.

"It’s like home-form-home," commented Alex.
 
 

Finally they were allowed to leave and set off further down the road.

"We should have asked the police to call the rescue service for us," shivered Alex as the biting wind began to get to her.
"I know, but we didn’t think of that at the time," sighed Ed, "don’t worry, though, there are more buildings up ahead." As the walked, they could see that one of the buildings was a restaurant. In fact, it was a seafood restaurant. "Perfect," said Ed, "we can call for help and get something to eat at the same time."
"Um... I don’t know..." began Alex, "I’m, uh, not too keen on seafood."
"Well, there’s got to be at least one thing without fish in it," said Ed, "I’m sure you’ll find something."

Alex bit her lip. This was the last thing she wanted but it was better than nothing so reluctantly she agreed.

"OK," she said, "let’s go in."

They linked arms briefly but had to disengage to get through the door. Once inside, they found a man standing stiffly beside them.

"Excuse me," Ed began, "do you have a table for two free, please?" There was no response. "Hello?" Ed tried. Still nothing. He waved his hand in front of the man’s eyes. No reaction. He tapped him lightly on the forehead.

Suddenly a voice came from behind him,
"Can I help you, sir?"

Ed turned and found himself face to face with a smartly dressed man, identical to that which he had been addressing.
"ARGHHH!" he cried, glancing from one to the other, "but what... how... who...."

The man who had spoken stepped forward, picked up his exact double, held it under his arm and walked away with it.

"Excuse me just one moment," he called back.
"That.... that must have been a dummy," said Ed, "that.... that was weird...."
"Ed, let’s go," whispered Alex, "this place is just freaky!"
"It’s OK," Ed assured her, "I’m sure there must be a... a perfectly logical reason as to why there was a fake waiter standing at the door..."
"Ed," Alex began, "I should tell you, I’m... I’m actually allergic to seafood...."
Ed looked at her.
"Oh," he said, "I didn’t realize...."
"I tried to tell you," said Alex.
"Well, it doesn’t matter," said Ed, "we’ll just ask to use their phone, then go."
"No, it’s OK," said Alex, "like you said, there’s got to be one thing without fish in it on the menu. And otherwise I’ll... well, I’ll just have to stick to bread rolls, won’t I?!"

Ed gave a vague smile.

"I’m so sorry about all this," he said, "It’s happened again, hasn’t it?!"
Alex smiled back.
"It’s going to get better," she said decisively.
"I hope so," said Ed.

The real smartly-dressed man returned.

"Sorry about that, sir," he said, "the dummy was for display purposes. To fool the customers and weed out the stupid ones!"

Ed and Alex exchanged glances as the man laughed evilly.

"You’re right," whispered Ed, "this place is freaky! Let’s go."
"Ha ha ha," continued the man, "just a little joke there to put us all at ease! Now, table for two was it, sir?"
"Well, actually...."
"FRERMAN," the man yelled to a waiter, "show these two good people to a nice secluded little table!"

Ed and Alex exchanged worried glances as ‘Frerman’ approached. He was a familiar, bulky man with stubble, tattoos and an evil glare. He stood head and shoulders above Ed - and Ed was tall.

"Don’t I know you from somewhere...?!" he boomed.
"Err... no," squeaked Ed.

Frerman studied them quizzically for a long time.
Then he frowned.
And boy did he frown.

"Yes I do," he cried, "you were that couple in the cinema, making all that racket, weren’t you...?!"
"Um.... no..."
"Oh yes you bloody were!" screamed Frerman, "you ruined my enjoyment of "Howard’s Way: the movie"!!!"

It all fell into place.
Of course.
He remembered going to see a film not so long ago and had upset someone by talking a little too loudly.... Frerman was the man in the ‘I LOVE JAN HARVEY’ T-shirt......

"Oh no..." gasped Ed.
"OH YES...." boomed Frerman.
"Frerman, show these people to their table," the smartly dressed man told him.

Frerman sneered.

"With pleasure...." he told them. He grabbed them both by their collars and dragged them away.

Ed and Alex were thrust into chairs and pelted with menus.

"I’ll be back for your orders in a minute," Frerman sneered.
"I rather wish you wouldn’t," whispered Alex as Frerman lumbered away. She opened her menu and studied it for a while, "Ed, there’s nothing on here without fish."
"There’s a salad sandwich," said Ed.
"Goody," sighed Alex.
"Why don’t we leave?" asked Ed, "sneak out while Frerman’s not looking."
"I’m too scared," Alex confessed.
"Me too," Ed admitted. He smiled. "What would you like to drink?"
"Water’s fine for me."
"Alright."
Frerman thundered back.
"What d’you want then?" he asked.
"We, um, haven’t quite decided yet," Ed said nervously.
"You WHAT...???!!"
"Sorry," Ed apologized, "we, um...."
"You’d better bloody quickly decide," Frerman yelled.
"We just need a few more minutes..."
"ARE YOU LOOKING FOR TROUBLE?!" yelled Frerman.
"No!"
"WELL YOU’VE FOUND IT ANYWAY!!!" Frerman told him. He drew back his enormous fist, preparing to thump Ed, but before he had a chance, a group of waiters rushed over and grabbed him.
"Get him into the kitchen!" yelled one of them.
"Give him one of his pills!" cried another.
"NO-O-O-O-O-O-O," wailed Frerman, crying like a baby.
The waiters dragged him away and the smart man from the door rushed over, apologizing profusely.
"I am so, so sorry," he cried, "Mr. Frerman.... he’s just come out of the hospital...they thought this job would be good for him... part of his therapy...."

Ed and Alex glanced at each other, their eyes open wide in horror.

"Please tell me this is a bad dream," whispered Alex.
"Can I take your order?" the man asked hopefully.
"I think it would be best if we left..." said Ed.
"NO, SIR, PLEASE!" yelled the man, "after what’s happened, we CAN’T let you go!"
"Errr... why not?"
"Because we can’t have you telling your friends how horrible it is here!" the man flapped, "you MUST have a nice evening!"
"Sorry, but it’s been spoilt already."
"You MUST believe me, sir, it WILL get better!"

Ed sighed.
He’d learned from experience that it was best to surrender.

"OK," he said, "We’ll stay..." he paused, "I think I’ll have the cod and chips..."

The man pulled out his notebook and began scribbling away.

"Two.... clams...." he muttered.

Ed frowned.
"No. Cod."
"Clams," said the man.
"No - cod."
"...And clams....."
Ed groaned.
"Yes," he said, "cod and clams.... without the clams."

The man nodded.

"Alright. And to drink...?"
"Just water, please."
"Very good. And for you, madam?"
Alex glanced up.
"I’ll have water too, please," she said, "and to eat, I’ll just have the salad sandwich."
"A salad sandwich," repeated the man.
"Yes."
"No fish?"
"No fish."
"So... you just want... a salad sandwich."
"Yes," sighed Alex.
"....With fish in it...?"
"NO! Without fish!" cried Alex. The whole restaurant ground to a halt as everyone turned to stare at her. She blushed and said quietly, "just a salad sandwich."
"No fish in it?" asked the man.
"No fish."

The man scowled.

"We’ll soon see about that," he snapped and stormed off into the kitchens.

Alex put her head in her hands.

"I can’t believe this," she whispered.
"It’s OK," Ed told her.
"No it’s not!" cried Alex, "it’s all going wrong again. I really wanted everything to be special this time."
"It will be," said Ed, "eventually." He reached out and took her hand.
"This isn’t how I wanted it to be," she moaned, "I wanted things to go well." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I... wanted to talk to you."
"Yeah?"
"I can’t tell you now. Not after all that’s happened."
"Why? What is it?" asked Ed.

Alex took a deep breath.
It was now or never.

"Ed," she whispered, "I know things always go wrong, but... but since I’ve known you... I...." she bit her lip. "I think I’m beginning to fall in......."

"Fi-i-i-i-ish....." sang a deep male voice beside their table.

"Fi-i-i-i-ish....." added a slightly higher voice.

"Fi-i-i-i-ish....." sang a third, even higher voice.

"Fi-i-i-i-ish...." a fourth, higher voice joined them.

Ed and Alex turned to find a barber shop quartet standing beside them, grinning and harmonizing like true professionals.

"Bom bom bom bom, bom bom bom bom...." they began,

"F-i-i-i-i-ish...."

"Bom bom bom bom,"

"...Is my favourite di-i-i-i-ish...."

"Bom bom bom bom....."

"I like to eat it in the morning...."

"Bom bom..."

"...eat it in the evening..."

"Bom bom..."

"It is my every wi-i-i-i-ish..."

"Bom bom bom bom..."

"OK," hissed Ed, reaching for his wallet, "how much do you want to stop singing and go away?"

"Bom bom bom bom..." continued the men.

"I don’t think they’re going to go away unless I order fish," Alex hissed.
"Oh," whispered Ed, "Alex... what were you saying before this... interruption?"

"Bom bom bom bom...."

"Ed, I..." Alex sighed. "I can’t continue with this conversation with them singing their little hearts out!"

"Bom bom bom bom..."

"We really love your singing," Ed lied, "but we were trying to have a private conversation here..."

"Bom bom bom bom...."

"Let’s talk about fi-i-i-i-ish...."

"Bom bom bom bom...."

"Talk about my seafood wi-i-i-i-ish...."

"Bom bom bom bom..."

"It makes great conversation..."

"Bom bom...."

"We wait in anticipation..."

"Bom bom...."

"...for our fi-i-i-i-ish....."

"Bom bom bom bom...

"Look," Ed whispered to Alex, "why don’t you order some fish and I’ll eat it for you."
"Good idea," said Alex. She turned to the men, "I’ll have the... the tuna pate."

The men’s eyes lit up and they bom-bommed off to the kitchen.

"Thank God for that," sighed Ed.
"Everyone’s staring at us now."
"Ignore them," Ed told her, "err... Alex... what were you saying before...?"
Alex blushed and looked downward.
"The moment’s been sort of spoilt now," she said.
"No it hasn’t. Just pretend those singers never happened..."
"Easier said than done," Alex laughed. She paused. "Ed, I know nothing’s gone right for us yet but.... I don’t know... I feel like maybe that... doesn’t matter any more. Ed, I really think.... I think I'm......"

"Fi-i-i-i-ish..." interrupted a happy male voice.

"Fi-i-i-i-ish....."

"Fi-i-i-i-ish....."

"Fi-i-i-i-ish...."

"Oh no, not again!" cried Ed.

One of the men proudly held out a plate of pate toward Alex while another presented her with a plate of French bread.

"Bom bom bom bom..."

"Fishy fishy fishy fishy fishy-aiii-ayye!"

"Bom bom bom bom..."

"Fi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i........."

"Uh, you can go now," Alex told them, but they didn’t want to go. They just stood, holding onto their note for as long as possible.

".....i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i....."

"I think they’re waiting for you to tuck in," Ed told her.

"Oh no," hissed Alex.

"....i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i....."

Alex spread a tiny amount of the pate onto the bread, then cautiously bit into it and pretended to chew.

"Mmmmm," she said with a large fake smile.

Finally, the men seemed satisfied.

"I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ish," they said, then promptly staggered back to the kitchen, gasping for air.

Alex made a disgusted face and spat her mouthful into a napkin.
"Are you alright?" asked Ed.
"Yeah," said Alex, "Eughhh!"

A waiter came over with two plates of food and placed them on the table.
"Clams for you..." he told Ed, "... and clams for you..."
"But we didn’t order clams!" cried Ed.

The waiter looked from the clams to Ed, then back again.

"Are you sure, sir?"
"YES!"
"Oh," said the waiter. He paused. "So... what do I do with the clams then?"
"I don’t know!" cried Ed, "just... take them away!!!!"
The waiter picked up the plates and took them back to the kitchens.
"Do you think we’ll ever get our proper order?" asked Alex.
"I doubt it," said Ed, "Alex, can you... continue what you were saying....?!"
Alex bit her lip and took a deep breath, half expecting people to start singing again but nobody did.
"Ed," she said finally, "I can’t ignore it any longer. There is an... attraction between us. I know there is. I enjoy your company. I love being around you. I really... really think....." she paused and leaned toward him, her eyes closing and her heart taking over from her head.

And then it happened.
The voice from the past.

"Oh. Alex. What a surprise."

Alex opened her eyes and glanced up.
There, beside her, was the person she least wanted to see.

"Peter."
"Huh?" said Ed.
"Ed, this is Peter. My ex-husband," Alex said uncomfortably.
"Oh."

There was a long horrible silence.

"Well?" Peter said eventually, "aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?"
"Peter, we’re trying to have a private conversation here," Alex began.
"I bet you are," snapped Peter, "so - how long have you two been carrying on together?!"
"Oh, don’t start that!"
"Let’s put it another way - was it before or after the divorce?!"
"After!"
"Yeah, right."
"Don’t you dare get jealous! We’ve been divorced for more than a year now! Just go away!"
"Why? Having a nice romantic meal, were you? Cramping your style a bit, am I? You wouldn’t mind if I joined you for dinner, would you...?!"
"Yes," snapped Alex, "because we were just leaving!" She stood up and began to march away with Ed in tow.
"SIR! MADAM!" cried a waiter, "WHAT ABOUT YOUR BILL?!"
"He’s paying!" cried Alex, pointing to Peter.

Before Alex and Ed could get out the restaurant, the doors burst open and three figures dressed in black leaped in.

"Everyone - on the floor!" one of them yelled, waving a gun in the air.

Another threw a sack at one of the waiters.

"Fill this with money," he yelled, "quickly, quickly, quickly!"

Ed and Alex glanced at each other as they dropped to the ground.

"This," whispered Alex, "is just not fair....."

After giving their second statements of the night to the police, Ed and Alex carried on down the road.

"Look," said Alex, "a pub. We can phone for help from there."
"Great," sighed Ed, "and maybe get something to eat at last!"

They stepped inside and walked up to the bar.

"At least it looks reasonably normal in here," Alex commented.
"Excuse me, is there a phone in here?" Ed asked the barman.
"Yeah, over there," the barman replied, pointing to the wall.
"Thanks," said Ed.
"You can’t use it, though," the barman said quickly.
Ed frowned.
"Why not?"
"Because it’s broken," the barman said wisely.
Ed sighed.
"Is there another phone we can use?" he asked.
"No."
"Isn’t there even one behind the bar?!"
"Yes."
"Can I use that one then?"
"No."
"Why not?!" asked Ed.
"‘Cos it’s mine," said the barman.
Ed sighed.
"Look, we ran over glass, our tyres are slashed and we need help."
"You won’t get any help in these parts," the barman said, his eyes open wide, "not in the back streets. People are very weird around here."
"So we’d noticed."
"Ed, what are we going to do?!" sighed Alex.
"We’ll get a drink and something to eat, then find a phone box or something," said Ed. He turned to the barman. "Do you do any food here?"
"No," said the barman.
"None at all?"

The barman leaned forward conspiratorially.

"Peanuts."
"Is that all?!"
The barman shook his head.
"Crisps," he said quietly.
Ed rolled his eyes and glanced at Alex.
"Crisps are fine," she said.
"Right," said Ed, "what would you like to drink?"
"Orange juice, please," said Alex.
"Right," Ed smiled. He turned back to El Weirdo Barman. "Two packets of crisps, one orange juice, and I need something strong. Whiskey. And make it a double."
"Right," smiled the barman, walking away to get the snacks.
"Well, maybe here’s where the evening starts to pick up," said Alex.
"I hope so," said Ed.

The barman walked back and handed Ed two packets of peanuts.

"There."

Ed stared at them.

"What’s this?"

The barman looked at them for a moment.

"Peanuts," he said proudly.
"I asked for crisps."
"I know."

There was a pause.

"Well why did you give me peanuts then?!"
"You mean you actually wanted crisps?!"
"Yes! Why else do you think I asked for them?!"

The barman shrugged.

"Reverse psychology?!" he suggested and finally handed Ed some crisps.
"Thank you," sighed Ed.

"Now: your drinks," said the barman, "One orange juice and one whiskey."
"Right."
"Right," the barman repeated, and promptly furnished them with four pints of foaming lager.
"What’s this?!" demanded Ed, "...no, on second thoughts, don’t answer that. Do you know what Coca-Cola is...?"

The barman hesitated.
Then he beamed.

"Yes."
"Then we’ll have two of those please."
"Right."

A moment later the barman handed Ed two cokes.
In pint glasses.

"How’s that?" he asked.
"Close enough," sighed Ed.
They paid for the drinks and found a quiet table.
"You know," Alex began, "apart from the staff, it’s quite nice in here."
"Yeah, not bad," agreed Ed. It was a modern pub, with clean tables and sturdy stools. Nearby was a pool table on which a nerd and a young woman were playing a game.
"I haven’t enjoyed this evening much," said Alex, "but I do enjoy your company."
"I’m glad," smiled Ed, "because I love being with you."

As he reached across the table and took her hands, the Nerd played a shot and the white ball bounced clean off the table and rolled along the floor to Ed’s feet.

"Um... can I have my ball back...?!" the Nerd asked.
Ed picked up the ball and handed it back to him.
"There," he said. He turned back to Alex as the Nerd resumed his game. "Do you want to carry on with our... earlier conversation?"
"I don’t know," said Alex, "I’m almost scared to."
"Why?"
"In case people sing at us!"

There was a ‘clunk’ and the white ball shot from the table to the floor again, this time rolling between Alex’s feet. She picked it up and handed it back to the sheepish Nerd.

"Sorry," he mumbled.
"That’s OK," said Alex, "...don’t hurry back, though!" she paused and looked at Ed. "Ed, I know we never seem to have any luck," she began, "but I do enjoy us spending time together. And I... I want to spend more time with you."
"Great," smiled Ed.
Alex continued nervously.
"I, um... I don’t mean as friends," she said, "I want us to... be more than friends." She bit her lip. "If that’s alright with you."
"Alright?!" cried Ed, "Alex, it’s more than alright! It’s...."

Suddenly Ed’s glass shattered. Glass and coke spilled across the table, into their laps.... and there, in the middle of the mess, was a white ball.....

It took a long time to clean up the mess. The Nerd apologized ten times and went back to his game.

"At least things can’t get any worse," laughed Alex.
"I don’t even mind if they do," smiled Ed, "I don’t even care if the roof falls in."
"Yes you do!"
"OK, I do, but..." began Ed. He was interrupted by some raucous singing as a group of drunken men descended on the pub.

"FIVE-NIL, FIVE-NIL...." They sang.

"Oh, what?!" cried Ed.

The barman greeted the coach-load of football supporters.

"Your team won, then?" he asked.
"No," said one of the men, "we got the wrong day - the match isn’t until tomorrow!"
"Then where did the score come from?" frowned the barman.
"That’s how many people I’ve kicked in the bollocks today!" One of the supporters cried.

Suddenly Ed yelled out in pain.

"What is it?!" asked Alex.
"Something hit me!" cried Ed, rubbing the back of his head, "it was really hard...."
"Excuse me," came a nerdy voice, "can I have my ball back...?"

"EVERYONE! ON THE FLOOR!" yelled a voice from the doorway as three figures dressed in black burst in. One waked a gun in the air, while another charged at the barman with a sack.

"Fill this with money," he demanded.

As Ed and Alex dropped to the ground for the third time that evening, neither could help wondering if they were just cursed.

"Oh well," Ed reasoned eventually, "At least it was an evening to remember..."

Alex sighed crossly.
It wasn't the type of stick-up she'd been hoping for......