THE COUNTDOWN BIBLE:
.
GENESIS
.
In the beginning
There was nothing.
God said,
“Let there be
digital, surround sound television
with Nicam stereo
And the ability
to receive up to 200 channels.”
So there was
And God smiled
upon the television and saw that it was good.
.
On the second
day,
God said,
“Let there be
four terrestrial channels
And let them entertain
the public.”
And God looked
upon these channels and saw they were good.
Then he created
Channel Five
And he frowned
upon the channel, and, lo, he did swear.
.
On the third day,
God created Richard
Whitely
And he smiled
upon Richard
For he saw that
he was good.
And he said unto
Richard,
“Thy must go forth
and present”.
.
On the fourth
day,
God created Carol
Vorderman
And he smiled
upon Carol
For he saw she
was good
And he said unto
Carol,
“Thy must go forth
and multiply.
And add, and subtract,
and divide...”
.
On the fifth day,
God created vowels
and consonants
And numbers picked
at random.
And he spoke unto
Richard,
“Take these letters
and numbers
And create a quiz
show.”
And he said unto
Carol,
“I shall have
one from the top and five from anywhere else.”
And he smiled
upon the numbers
For he saw that
they were good.
.
On the sixth day,
God invented Dictionary
Corner.
And he said,
“You shall invite
minor celebrities to appear,
And, lo, they
shall be good.
And they shall
be accompanied by Mark Nyman and Susie Dent.”
And Richard said
unto God,
“But who are they?”
And god said,
“Oh Bugger, I
forgot to invent them...
Just give me a
minute, OK?!”
.
On the seventh
day,
God realized he
was running out of days,
And, lo, he added
some more days to the week and hoped no one would notice.
.
On the eighth
day,
God created ties.
And he spoke unto
Richard,
“Thy shall wear
ties of the worst designs
And the loudest
colours,
And, lo, the viewers
shall write in and comment on them.”
And he frowned
upon the ties
For he saw that
they were bad.
.
On the ninth day,
God created Countdown
And he gave it
unto the tea-time slot.
And he said unto
Channel Four,
“Take this programme
And transmit it
every weekday”
And Channel Four
did as he commanded
For they looked
upon Countdown
And saw that it
was good.
.
On the tenth day,
God took a day
of rest,
And he sat down
and put on Channel Four
And, lo, he did
expect to see Countdown.
But it was the
weekend
And countdown
was not on.
And God swore
For he saw that
the alternative was the Brookside Omnibus
And he saw that
it was bad.
And he switched
off the TV in a fit of temper.
“What is the point
of inventing a new TV programme if I can’t watch the bloody thing?!”
And God went to
the pub instead.
Amen.
(Please don't
take offence anyone, it's only in the name of fun!)
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