1 - Attack them
2 - kill them
3 - roast them
4 - toast them
5 - give ‘em to Ash
6 - arrest them for being traitors
7 - Turn them in to Reg Hollis on The Bill
8 - send them for sandwiches in the park
9 - Turn them into missiles
10 - don’t grow any
11 - start an anti-apple campaign
12 - start a major leaflet campaign against them.
13 - I’m sorry - it’s time for the T-shirts:

  ‘Apples Out’
 ‘Red, Crunchy life-forms: No thanks’

14 - sent them to apple land, which is an imaginary land somewhere between paper bag land and Television land.
15 - Play verbal nutmegs with them. It’s really fun.
16 - create a new world to harness their power
17 - replace them with fields of beetroot....
18 - send Jean Daniel to assassinate them
19 - give them to Snorlax as a belated birthday present
20 - make them into ‘Eat-The-stick’ lollies
21 - cook them a nasty meal of all their relatives
22 - drown them in carrot juice
23 - give them to the government.
24 -  Play them Wind Beneath My Wings
25 - play them a video of ‘Last Of The Summer Wine’
26 - play a fun game of ‘Guess Who’s Dead?’ with them
27 - play a fun game of ‘Guess Who’s Been Eaten?’ with them
28 - gunge them
29 - give them to Mr. Blobby
30 - sell them to Lombards
31 - expose them to Jan Harvey
32 - expose them to Anna Ryder Richardson
33 - expose them to Butch's Voice
34 - tell them a joke abut debris and hope they lose the will to live
35 - expose them to mushroom jokes
36 - expose them to poisoned phodex
37 - expose them to Crime Traveller
38 - Go back in time to ensure they never existed in the first place
39 - make them watch the Vanessa show
40 - make them watch Butch appearing on the Vanessa show
41 - Get them a guest spot on the Vanessa show
42 - tell Gus to employ them
43 - bury them
44 - inflate them
45 - give them to Peter Mandelson
46 - play the ‘Hey - it’s an apple!’ game
47 - go mad and rip ‘em off the tree
48 - get Jeremy Clarkson to drive over them
49 - Make them update Mailbox
50 - smother them with Newsreaders
51 - get them a bit-part in Byker Grove
52 - Make them wear leather trousers
53 - make them listen to S Club 7
54 - drown them in freezing water
55 - drown them in freezing Channing
56 - call them Ed and take them to parties
57 - watch them flag under the strain of living it up every night
58 - take them to the Dome
59 - give them an energizer screen-saver
60 - make them watch Brookside
61 - make them watch Wipeout to give ‘em nightmares
62 - give them to the Met Office
63 - Eternally condemn them to listen to songs by The Vengaboys
64 - get George to bore them to death
65 - get Damien to do a report on them
66 - Give them viagra
67 - give them John Virgo
68 - make them watch endless re-runs of Eldorado
69 - make them watch endless re-runs of Rex The Runt
70 - get Ronald McDonald to do his famous ‘apples-in-the-trousers’ trick lots of times
71 - get Jean Daniel to make them dodgy cocktails
72 - get Jean Daniel to cook them dodgy hot-dogs
73 - send them to a Steps concert
74 - Expose them to velcro
75 - expose them to an Ostrich
76 - expose them to an Aardvark..... Otis the Aardvark.....
77 - give them to Giovanni and tell him they are rare Pokemon
78 - tell Joy they scratched her car
79 - Use them as prizes on Wheel of Fortune
80 - get them sunburnt
81 - sing them an apple version of Sunscreen
82 - buy them a Ferrari and tell them to smeg off
83 - Get them a modelling job
84 - get someone to erase their timeline
85 - make them listen to anything by Will Smith
86 - Give them green tea
87 - Do an Art Attack with them
88 - send them to Number 73
89 - put them in the washing machine
90 - make them watch Ballykissangel
91 - make them watch repeats of Every Second Counts
92 - make them listen to the Due South theme-tune over and over again
93 - hypnotize them
94 - spear them
95 - play them ‘Frosty’s lost his Conkers’ and tell them his apples will be next.....
96 - give them a spell checker which doesn’t recognize ‘Conkers’
97 - make them wear a daft hanky on their heads
98 - plaster them to the wall
99 - Eat them.
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