Marcus was born April 11, 2000. He died August 21,2000. He was a happy and much loved little boy. He has 4 older siblings, Josh 19, Tasha 17, Felicia 4, and Jackie 2. The oldest two are my stepchildren, though I couldn't love them more if they were my own.

The night Marcus died is the worst night of my life. He died of S.I.D.S. Though it took us four months to find that out. I would like to tell you my story if you don't mind, and I would like to hear yours too. I will give you my e-mail adress at the end.

Marcus was just 4 months old. He had just cut his first 2 teeth. He had a beautiful smile. He had just started to laugh. I can still rememger that laugh. A beautiful belly laugh. Marcus was a very easy pregnancy. I didn't have any back aches, or any of the other stuff that goes along with pregnancy. His labor only took 4 hours from start to finish.His big sisters, Felicia and Jackie, loved him dearly. If he cried, which wasn't very often, they wanted to know why. Felicia tried to get him to call her Mommy. They tried to do everything, change his diapers, feed him, burp him, and they loved to sing him to sleep. It was very cute to watch.

The night he died was pretty much like any other night. I fed him, burped him, gave him his bath, he loved his bath time. My 4 and 2 yr olds went to bed before him that night. I put him to bed and he cried for about 15 minutes and then, passed away. My husband and I didn't find him until 2 hours later, when we went to bed.

He had started rolling over so it wasn't uncommon for us to find him on his stomach. I pointed it out to my husband and he said that we would have to wake him up to roll him over. Ryland picked him up and he started to flop around like a rag doll. I had my back to him so I didn't see that part. My husband got really quiet, he usually cooed and played with him when he had to wake him up. I noticed that and asked him, very calmly, if Marcus was ok. I knew that my husband would tell me I was being paronoid. All he said was "Oh, my God". I took off down the hallway screaming at my stepdaughter to get off the computer. I had to call an ambulance. Shortly afterward my husband brought him out and I started CPR. I remember screaming at my husband to go outside and wait for the ambulance. I didn't realize that my 4 yr old had seen most of this. I noticed her when she came over and started asking Marcus to wake up. I yelled for my husband to take her outside to wait for the ambulance to come.

Then for a reason I will never understand, I took Marcus outside too. I started giving him CPR outside. Shortly after this Shore Patrol showed up. (We are military) I screamed at him to help me. The ambulance showed up about 2 minutes after security took over.
I left in the ambulance with Marcus, sitting in the back watching the EMT try to bring him back. We got to the hospital in about 8 minutes. I went into the room with him and I touched his foot. I was just going to hold his foot and let them do their jobs. I just needed to be with him. Then the nurse started pushing me out of the room. It took atleast three people to get me out of there.

They gave me some valium but I don't think it really helped. I don't know how long afterward it was, but I remember the nurse comming and telling me that he was gone. I remember thinking the whole time they were working on him that they were taking too long, and when they told me that, they hadn't worked long enough. I asked security to go get my husband, but not to tell him what had happened. My stepdaughter showed up first. We were changing rooms and they allowed me to carry him. Tasha saw us and she thought it meant that he was ok. Telling her was harder than telling my husband. I think because of the facts that she was so young and had just had a baby herself. I'll never forget the look on her face. She hugged me and kept saying that he had to come back. It was so hard to tell her that he wasn't going to come back.

My husband showed up shortly after, and I told him. I don't remember saying it, but everyone said, "No you din't kill him." I gave Marcus to Ryland, I knew he'd never forgive himself he didn't hold him one more time. Then it came time to fill out the police forms.
    They told us 4 months later that it was S.I.D.S.  Italian law requires an autopsy for any unattended death, meaning any death that occurs without a doctor present.  It also adds time and more paperwork.  Seems like they use up an awful lot of paper.
   

My 7 and 5 yr olds still ask about him. I tell them that he's in Heaven watching over us. That he is our Guardian Angel now. Felicia is terrified of doctors and ambulances now. I don't know how to help her. Some days she seems fine and other days she has a really hard time understanding. My husband and I still have our good days, our bad days, and our days where we don't want to face the world. We don't look forward to the holidays like we used to. It's been almost 4 years now and it still hurts badly around his birthday and the anniversary of his death.

We had a lovely service for him. It was small and intimate. But I'd give up almost anything to have him back.

Well this is my story. I'd like to hear yours too. You can e-mail me at misty74_2000@yahoo,com or you can e-mail my husband at [email protected].
Thankyou for reading this. I hope that, if you are going through this, That God keeps you strong. And I hope that if you are not going through this that you never have to know this pain.