There's a blank piece of paper, a pen and a million thoughts running through my head. I could put them all on paper but I only have 280 more pages in my journal.
It's been 5 or so weeks since Xavior got fired from Pleistocene. The thought of it now, as I write, brings tears to my eyes. Everyone has moved on, Templeton and Crispin have an online presence now, both very nice guys but I can't form any sort of bond with either.
Stefanie seems to have moved on, but I still feel like my heart has his name imprinted on it. I feel like screaming to everyone "I DON'T CARE WHAT HE DID I FUCKING LOVE HIM AND I MISS HIM" but I'm keeping my mouth shut.
I don't want to be labeled a traitor by what I say, although I know I'll put this on my website but it just seems so complicated.
I have always got on well with Zim, I've known him for about 14 months now and I feel like he's a good friend but as much as he's great he's not X. My life isn't easy; being diagnosed with a mental illness at 16 was something I couldn't cope with. I found it difficult, every time something went wrong I didn't know whether it was actually happening and this is how I SHOULD be feeling or whether it was just all in my mind and I should be feeling fine. I struggled with it for 2 whole years: medication, counseling sessions, depression, suicide, self-mutilation and by the time I was 18 I was a confused mess.
Out of nowhere Xavior emailed me and for the first time in those 2 years I had finally found someone that understood how I was feeling and was, as best he could, willing to help me.
And he did, more than anything any doctor could prescribe me. I made more progress in that time than 2 years. And for 4 or 5 months I became so close to X and I trusted him with everything, the announcement of him being fired broke my heart into a thousand little pieces.
I couldn't hate or resent Zim for what he did; Pleistocene was his band and if X wasn't up to standard then a part of me is glad that he fired him. I know that Pleistocene is Zim's life pretty much and I wouldn't want someone around that could possibly make it less than the best for me. I can only wish that this didn't have to happen between my two special people.
I know X talked shit about the fans, that hurt me, the amount of my time that I had spent supporting what he was doing in Pleistocene was wasted and I felt stabbed in the back. But why couldn't I hate him? I was angry for a while, hurt, feeling betrayed but it just disappeared.
I've talked to him 3 times since he was gone. It took me up until a few days ago to get up the courage to tell him that I miss him. Somehow it just didn't seem like such a big thing to him. But I couldn't expect anymore from someone that doesn't really care about his fans now could I?
God if someone out there is reading this and can offer me some advice, DO IT!!
