| 25.06.2003 - tonight, though, i'm feeling horribly thoughtful and pensive, despite a persistant headache. two things are going around in my head mostly, and quite unrelated: why do people persist in thinking that being alone is a bad thing, and that being 'coupled up' is the ideal to aim at; and why don't more people appreciate knowledge for the treasure, the wonder, that it is? let me elaborate, and i hope that i don't bore you with this. i was in class this afternoon, and we were talking about bringing a horse into work, fittening it. we've also been studying the horses' body systems, skeletal, muscular, cardiovascular, respiratory, urinary, etc. now admittedly, years ago back in highschool, i hated science, but i've been finding this really fascinating, and i was avidly taking notes, making connections between what we were talking about in the classroom and what else i'd been reading up on, asking more questions, seeing how it all tied together (aerobic and anaerobic metabolism, glucose in the blood, glycogen in the muscle, ATP converting to ADP, energy conversion and muscle contraction, and then how this relates to exercise, fatigue levels... etc). everyone else in class seemed to be bored, was groaning about having to take notes - meanwhile my head was spinning with all this new information, making links with what i already knew and extrapolating new ideas from this. one thing i have noticed about my thought process is that i am eternally trying to forge links between ideas and concepts - anything and everything i know is or should be connected in some way, and unless i consciously stop myself, i am continually finding these connections between things, even if it is only a trivial matter - seeing why my mind jumps from one thing to a seemingly unrelated matter, and what the bridge between those thoughts was... but knowledge, that vast eternal ocean of ideas and thoughts and beliefs and notions and theories - what a marvel! what a joy! and how can people not want to soak it up, imbibe it and be drunk and giddy with new and exciting thoughts? how can they prefer stagnation and repetition, and go about walling in their own minds? even new and interesting words excite me - so often while online i make an excursion to dictionary.com, trying to be precise in my writing and find exactly the right word for an idea which is concise in my mind, if not yet on paper (or screen, as the case may be). maybe that's why i have a headache - all this new knowledge is making my brain hurt... but seriously, it fails my understanding how i can be so utterly enthralled and excited by this, not just this, but all new things, and others seem untouched by this... later on, this evening, i had curled up with my duvet on the couch in front of the tv, indulging in my once weekly dose of some crappy and some not-so-crappy tv ('friends' on some weeks, then 'scrubs' and 'csi'). at the end of the 'scrubs' episode, the main character was talking about being alone, and how he thought people weren't meant to be by themselves - "J.D.'s Narration: Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone...no matter how many people are around." now i'll grant that this particular feeling, when everyone else seems coupled and you're not, or perhaps when feeling out of sync with the people around you - that's not the greatest. but the continual emphasis i see and experience all around me, propagated by the media and reinforced through people's ideas and beliefs (that old cycle - media and the ideas of the general population, one influencing the other. it's the modern chicken and egg question) - that continual harping on about couples makes me sick, makes me angry. there is a song by a german singer called Reinhard Mey, about being alone ("allein"). roughly translated, the chorus runs thus: 'alone, we are alone, we come and we go on our own. no matter how much we are loved and surrounded by affection, we have to go through the crossroads of life all on our own. alone, we are alone, we come and we go all alone.' now, this used to be a song i would play when feeling sad or depressed - to distill the mood, focus the feeling and wallow in it for a while. but lately especially i've thought, this isn't a negative song. why do those things have to be bad? what is bad about having to be alone? are people just scared? i think many people are. scared of their own company. scared of having to rely on themselves. scared of who and what they could be, if they tried. unfulfilled potential and unrealised dreams are quite intimidating. i think the distinction between being lonely and being alone is an important one. loneliness and aloneness - one being unpleasant, the other being really rather nice, something to be savoured. perhaps there are issues of intimacy there, of the way i negotiate relationships (or not, as the case may be), and of ideas i have about relating to people, relationships not needing to conform to ideals and norms of society (serial monogamy)... but that will have to wait for another introspective mood such as this one. and i am long overdue for bed, considering how early i have to get up. |