I'm wearing my new red dress, which looks very damn nice. *I* look very damn nice. Ah - it's good to be vain. Vain and proud of it. Ah.. that's what i need to do.. I need to borrow Nich's digital camera, and take some pic's of myself, and upload them.. screw using a scanner...
Kirstin came into the shop to let me see her baby (ie, the gorgeous damascus viking blade we sold her) and her other viking sword and her claymore... very very nice... her website is cool too... lots of neat pictures...
I finished reading Soul Music, which is very very funny, but has some scary moments... to me, Terry Pratchett is just brilliant. Most of the time, fantastically funny, but he is also very intelligent, and works that deeply into his books. And in some of them it comes out more than in others... like Small Gods. Now that book scared me. It may have been funny - i didn't really notice. It just scared the hell out of me.. Me, who is very confused and unsure about religion really, who despite not really believing in god still has some doubts about his non-existance... who was screwed over royally by way of childhood and upbringing.. the overhanging leftover guilt about some things.. the almost certain feeling every now and then that I *will* go to hell b/c i'm not following god, I'm not being saved... things which my head denies, and especially so, because what kind of god/religion is it that has to get people to follow it through *guilt* - i don't want any part of that! but yet it's still there.. deeply buried at the back of my mind.. i hate that... and books like Small Gods, which made me think very hard about things like belief, and the human mind (and I resent being made to think when i didn't ask for it, thankyou very much!!), and made me think about how *i* think, and believe, and how churches and religion works, and how it's affected me... and deep down the little christian girl in me is holding out against me the grown-up agnostic-atheist, because there is a god, isn't there? except i don't believe in him.
I wonder if Denariel believes in god. Or in God. Any god. Or in anything at all... not Denariel my Malakite of Creation, Fire and Torment... Denariel the part of me... the part of me which i may be becoming... evilwoman doesn't, i know that much. She's free... that's what she's all about - being free, having total freedom... maybe evilwoman's middle name is Nariel.. maybe she's a lilim... freedom... hmmmm... something that'll need some thought...
I can feel myself gradually (this is gradually as in a few days/weeks gradually rather than a few hours gradually) slipping into a very contemplative, thoughtful, introspective mood. Must make sure it doesn't turn depressed... that would be bad... just need to use this opportunity to do some good thinking.. maybe i should go to the beach.. or up Mt Eden, or something... I need to go somewhere, and be in a thinking, solitary mood... and then use it... and hopefully, something good will come of it..
I also need to catch up with Lex, and with Jenni... and have a long long conversation, and pour out my heart. Probably to Lex (I need to have a catch up with Jenni - and must write to Philippa - but it would take too long before i'd have told her everything..), and maybe he can help a little. Or a lot. Or just listen, and let me sort out my head out loud, and make some constructive, helpful comments...
hmmm... that's enough for now. I'll play some more Diablo 2 and then go to bed.