Lesson One - Elite To Leet
Always speak like a two year old. If you can't do that, there's no point in going on. Shorten words, spell things the way they
sound, mess words up completely, structure sentences in ways which don't make sense. And improvise, leet needs that personal
touch. Include things which weren't there before. Throw in anything you can to make words look pretty, for example, girls
becomes GRRRLZ. Every time a word ends in S, replace it with a Z. Zs are cooler. And most importantly, every sentence,
regardless of it's level of importance, must end in as many exclamation marks as you see fit, followed by a couple of ones.
Extra points for throwing in random annoying chatroom abbreviations such as OMG (oh my god) and LOL (laughing out loud),
which should be used every time something slightly amusing happens, or something not amusing at all.
ALWAYS TYPE IN CAPITALS, I'LL EXPLAIN WHY IN LESSON TWO.
My favourite thing to do is swap the letters H and E around when TEHY appear next to each other in a word.
This may seem like a lot to take in at once but i think it all needs to be learned. Half the joy of 1337 5P33King is that you get to
type in a completely carefree manner. You make mistakes and you look even cooler. It's fun to be an illiterate loser.
Your first task is to take your favourite piece of fiction, just a paragraph or two will do and rewrite it in the ways described.
Here's my example, taken from Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven:
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'
Becomes
OMG OMG LIKE ONCE UPON A MIDNIITE DRERY WILE I PONDERD WEEK AND WERY
OVER MNY A QUEINT N CURIOUS VOLUME OF 4GOTTEN LORRRRRRRRRR
WILE I NODDED NRLY NAPPIN SDDNLY TEHRE CAEM A TAPPIN
AS OF SUM1 GENTLY RAPPIN RAPPIN AT TEH CHAMBRE DOR!!!!!!!!!!1111111!!!!111
'OMG OMG TIS SUM GRRRLZ' I SED LOL 'TAPPIN AT TEH CHANBER DOOR -
ONLY TIHS AND NUTHIN MORE!!!!!11 LOLOL ROTFLMFAO!!!!111!!11
As you can see i also employed the use of numbers to replace words such as FOURgotten and someONE. Pretty clever, huh?
No! Not clever at all, and if you think that it is you should be thrown off this course! Leet speakers aren't in this to be clever,
we're here to show just how dumb this language is and how anyone with fingers can learn it in about half an hour. As for the
words become numbers technique, if a word has a number in it, it's your call whether you want to change it or not. It can be
funnier when not all the words are shortened. You could even put the wrong number in there. Improvise.
So now that you can dumb down words, try making your own baby-talk sentences up.
OMG LOLOL, IAM TEH MASTER OF LEET, TREMBLE AT MY GOLDEN PHEET!!!!!11!!11 HAY, OMGOMG,
TAHT RYMZ!!!!!!111!!11
Lesson Two - Leet to 1337
Now that you've learned how to change elite into leet. It's about time to take it to the next level and switch your leet into 1337.
This is easier than it seems at first. Take a look at your keyboard. Those keys above the letters, the ones with crazy symbols
on them, they're called number keys and soon you'll not only be more familiar with them than ever before, you'll also have worn
them down to bloody stumps.
This is where things get tricky. Well, as tricky as things will get, which to honest, ain't so tricky. At some point in the past, some
genius realised that certain numbers are dead ringers for letters and started using them in words to replace the letters themselves.
The number 1 looks like an L, 3 looks like an E and 7 looks like a T. Put it all together and you get 1337.
Here's your second task, take that piece of transformed literature and whip it into shape using this handy guide.
4 = A
3 = E
6 = G
1 = L
0 = O
5 = S
7 = T
But go ahead, explore that keyboard of yours. You may notice that # looks like H and @ sure smells like A.
Most importantly, the one you must make sure you remember, the only one you actually NEED to know
is >< is X. Those backwards brackets appear in certain words which have evolved through 1337 5P33K
and are completely unrecognisable anywhere besides the language of cyberkings.
R0><0R means rock or rocker. J00 R0><0R MEI S0><0RZ!!!!!11!!1 means you rock my socks.
J00 R TEH R0><0R means you are a rocker.
H4><0R means hack or hacker, which you must claim to be even if you don't know the first thing about hacking. Remember,
all you have to do to be TEH 1337 H4><0R is say that you are. I R TEH 1337 H4><0R, L00K OU7 BIZNI7CH3Z, F0R I,
73H L33735S7 H4><0R IN 4LL 1337 H4><0RZVILLE, KN0W WH3R3 J00 LIV3 4ND WILL H4><0R 4LL J00R
CHILDREN IN TEHRE P3ACEFUL 5LUMB3R!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!!11
There's the other weird thing, treat hacking like a superpower, you can't only hack people's computers, you can H4><0R their
brains, their children, their dog, their house, threaten people with anything that seems appropriate. They'll be scared and give
you lots of money. Bling bling.
Now back to my translated version of Poe's The Raven.
OMG OMG LIKE ONCE UPON A MIDNIITE DRERY WILE I PONDERD WEEK AND WERY
OVER MNY A QUEINT N CURIOUS VOLUME OF 4GOTTEN LORRRRRRRRRR
WILE I NODDED NRLY NAPPIN SDDNLY TEHRE CAEM A TAPPIN
AS OF SUM1 GENTLY RAPPIN RAPPIN AT TEH CHAMBRE DOR!!!!!!!!!!1111111!!!!111
'OMG OMG TIS SUM GRRRLZ' I SED LOL 'TAPPIN AT TEH CHANBER DOOR -
ONLY TIHS AND NUTHIN MORE!!!!!11 LOLOL ROTFLMFAO!!!!111!!11
Becomes
OMG OMG LIKE ONC3 UP0N 4 MIDNII73 DR3RY WIL3 I P0ND3RD W33K 4N W3RY
0V3R MNY 4 QUEIN7 N CURI0U5 V0LUM3 0F 460773N L0RRRRRRRRRR
WIL3 I N0DD3D NRLY N4PPIN 5DDNLY 73HR3 C43M 4 74PPIN
45 0F 5UM1 63N7LY R4PPIN R4PPIN 47 TEH C#4MBR3 D0R!!!!!!!!!!1111111!!!!111
'OMG OMG 7IZ 5UM 6RRRLZ' I 53D LOL 'T4PPIN @ TEH C#4NB3R D00R -
0NLY TIHS 4N NU7HIN M0RRR!!!!!11 LOLOL ROTFLMFAO!!!!111!!11
This'll take time to perfect but it's gotta be easier than French, right? And it's so much sexier.
C0N6R47UL47I0NZ, J00 NOW 5P33K 1337, IF J00 W4N7 2 R3P4Y M3 PH0R TEHESE V4LU4BL3 L355ONZ, JU57
H0P 0N IN70 TEH KI7CH3N 4N WHIP M3 UP 4 LI77LE SUMTHIN SUMTHIN D0LLF4CE!!!!11!!1
OMG OMG GTG, BRB, CYA L8R BY333333!!!!!!!!!111!!!!11