| Behind the bike sheds |
| There is a saying....... "your schooldays are the best days of your life" ......................well I say BOLLOCKS to that! Everything I remember about school was utter SHYTE!!! Read on and shudder as it all comes flooding back............. The smell of the school gym - a sinister mix of old leather, sweat and floor polish.........and what the hell were those green gym crash-mats made of for god's sake?? Decomposing haddock?? (whilst on the subject of the gym - I wonder how many thousands of us suffered permanent hearing-impairment after the relentless blood-curdling squeal of plimsolls on wooden floor?) Paper towels - usually made of green or blue sandpaper (once again smelling of fish) , and specially designed not to remove any water whatsoever..........just your skin! Izal toilet tissue - with the warning "now wash your hands please".........it wasn't exactly 'tissue', it was about as useful as wiping your bum with a turd!! It had it's uses though, as a free supply of tracing paper, or a convenient musical instrument with the addition of a comb! The 'pile of sawdust' alert!!! - it was a surefire way of making sure the whole school stepped in someones vomit, and ensuring that at least 30 other kids puked aswell! The aluminium water jug on the dinner table - always looked as if it had been beaten with a thousand hammers, and always had a smear of gravy on or near the handle,even when there was no gravy for lunch! Swimming caps - the sporty kids had those ultra- thin speedo ones, the majority had thick rubber ones in white usually, and the real mongs had brightly coloured ones with big floppy rubber flowers stuck to them!! Hymn books - always covered with some awful wallpaper from home to protect their precious contents (usually a load of rude words made from crossing out certain letters in a hymn title, and a list of who fancied who!) Schools Television - oh god!!! No!!.......here comes the big telly on wheels again folks!!! About 15 ft high and made of teak, only ever used to explain things about geographical features in South America, never sex!!! The countdown clock at the beginning of every programme was the only exciting bit! (Altogether now!..................... ten! nine! eight!..................) School discos - your one and only chance of the year to dress like a pillock and try to make the teachers think you were dead grown-up ............ sadly for my generation that involved the use of platform shoes, cheesecloth, and a lot of corduroy! Even if geography teacher Mr. Lewis was a dab-hand at DJ-ing, and did a mean 'monster-mash' in his tweed jacket with the leather elbow-patches, there was a limit to the fun you could have whilst under the influence of Tizer! Geography field-trips - this was not about geography at all, this was about how far you could push a coach driver before he snapped!! Packed lunch usually gone before you had left the school carpark, (either eaten or thrown at the person in front). Desk inkwells - The last thing anyone would ever find in here would be ink! It was the standard chewing-gum receptacle, also used for depositing pencil shavings and chewed-up bits of paper that other pupils had flicked at you with a ruler! |
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...............And I haven't even started on the lessons yet!! |