"My cousin was at that club last night, too!", Eric exclaimed. "Really?", I asked, feigning interest. My hands were shaking and I couldn't even look at him. "Yeah, he's such a loser. He came home at like 4AM, really drunk. My parents were mad as hell. Also, he was pretending to be 19 so that he could pick up girls, and it actually worked! Or so he says... Haha. I'm so proud of him; at least one of us got ass last night." Eric chuckled to himself. I turned to look at Eric, and it was in his eyes, something that I saw that made me sick to my stomach. "How old is your cousin really?" I asked, afraid of what the answer might be. But I was expecting this all along and nothing I could say or do could turn back time and reverse my actions. "Oh, JP? He's almost 14." Red, purple, blue, orange, yellow, and mostly black... all swirling around in a nauseous amalgam in my head... it all came flowing out at once, as I became aware of what the consequences to my actions from the night before might be...
It was Wednesday, May 9th, and my mother was out to her little Friends of Macao and Hong Kong meeting. GAG. Score, Melly gets the car! It was a little odd taking the Benzo out for a spon; my mother had left all these little plastic shopping bags on the seats of the car because she didn't want the dirt from the potted plants getting on the leather interior. So I'm on my way to Hannah's house, cruising in this spiffy 80 grand spanking clean Mercedes S320, when I pass this adorable guy sitting on the sewer. Being distracted (by his hotness, of course), I nearly crash into the stop sign.
"Melissa? Melissa?! Still there?!" I come back down to reality, only to find Eric sitting across from me, staring at me with those emerald green eyes of his. I squint a little, and the bright green, blue, and gold specks in his intense eyes envelop me in a strange array of memories and feelings. The lawn was green. Bright green.
"Miss! Are you alright?" I look up to see the young man who was originally sitting on the sidewalk, now hovering over me as I strain to catch my breath. "What the hell happened?", I manage to croak out. He gives me room and wraps his manly arms around my head and body and lifts me out of the car, settling me down gently on the lawn which I had just so rudely run over with my mother's 80 thousand Mercedes Benz. BUMMER. My head falls to the side, the blades of grass towering over my head in thick stalks. These people need to mow their lawn...
"What the hell is your problem? You don't listen to me anymore." Eric looks at me intently, waiting for an answer. "Eric, have you ever felt like you were in a fantasy world? Where you couldn't be sure if anything were truly real? Where time could go from one point to another, back and forth, and back and forth again... and you had no way to stop it?" It doesn't feel right to implore such answers from Eric, but he has aways been the one person I could turn to when I thought something was wrong. "I'm worried about you, Melissa...", he starts. Our eyes lock in an intense bond, but he turns away from me suddenly, breaking our gaze. I turn in the other direction, holding back tears. I know not what he wants from me, but I only wish he could want... well, me.
"Miss?" My eyes flutter open to see a pair of crystal blue eyes, looking deep into mine. They seem to be searching... for answers... for my soul... for any sign that I might be okay. I sit up, trembling. "What happened?", I ask the kind stranger as I look around at my surroundings. "Well, this old woman was crossing the street with her walker and you were driving when you saw me sitting over there...", he pauses to point at the sewer. "...And you swerved, barely missing the stop sign, but the old lady had also stopped to stare at my fine ass...". He looks at me grinning. "Okay, and you almost hit her, and your car kind of... yeah..." He smiles and adds jokingly under his breath "but it's a Benz, so you're alive". I turn around, only to find the pathetic remains of what was once my mother's new Mercedes Benz. Instinctively, I blame the old woman. I jump to my feet to go after her, but fall against Josh's manly chest in the process. "Whoa there! Need a hand or something? They say I have a surgeon's touch... and a rapists' wit!" He laughs at his own joke as I grab onto his shoulder and hold on for dear life. My nails are digging into his back at the point, but hde doesn't seem to mind. "Do you need anything?" He wraps his arms around my back, holding my close and keeping me safe. 'Could you go beat up that old woman... over there?", I ask as I try to lift my arm to point at her. "Awww... but she's a cripple!", he remarks uncertainly. "No shit, Sherlock!" I push myself away from him and fall back down onto the moist wet grass. Men... BAH.
"I'm really starting to think you're not listening to me." I turn my head back to face Eric, and he moves his gaze down to my trembling hands. "What was his name?" I demand. "Who?!" Eric gets up. "I'm sick of this, Melissa. I'm sick of putting up with your bullshit. Call me when you're sane again and not too caught up in your own problems to listen to me." He slams the door behind him; a noise so loud it almost makes my heart stop. He abandoned me again. He always does when I need him the most.
I wipe the tears away from my face angrily, as my legs throb from the impact at which I hit the lawn. Trying to get up would be just another failed attempt so I remain seated as he rushes over to me. "Forget old ladis with walkers, I think you're more of a danger to yourself than any person, vehicle, or force... combined." What's your name? What's your name? I try to move my lips to query his identity, but nothing comes out. It's too much of a bother to keep my eyes open any longer, so I succumb to the force and indulge myself in some brain rest, while lying perfectly motionless in the arms of the adorable dude on the sidewalk. ADOTS. Adorable Dude on the Sewer. ADOTS.
"ERIC!", I yell, my voice on the bring of tears. The noise reverberates between the walls of my room, echoing in a decrescendo of closure. The symphony of finality. After the echo of an empty room, there is a flood of silence as it sinks in that Eric is gone. Maybe for good, this time. What was his name? ADOTS? I hear the start of an engine and I rush over to the window, only to see Eric peeling out in his aquamarine Trans Am. The phone rings.
He grabs my arms and pushes me against the alley wall. "You are so hot, baby." Ugggggh. I can smell the liquor on his breath as he starts kissing my neck. "Get off me, please." I struggle, trying to fight back, but to no avail. "Please..." I start crying, but he takes no notice. Ripping my shirt off, he presses harder against me, and I can feel a jagged red brick from the wall behind me digging into the back of my head. With one thrust, he shoves me against the wall with such force that my head slams against the brick and starts bleeding. "Help!" I try to scream, but I'm sobbing too hard to be able to yell for any help. "You thought you could get away from me in the club, did you? You are so hot, and I"m going to have you tonight. Right now." He looks into my eyes, his, not so dazed anymore. I give up and stop struggling. I cry as he whispers to me and tells me not to fight back.
"He just drove away like that??" ADOTS laughs. I look at the clock and take a deep breath. "What's your name?" *silence* Pure silence. And for some odd reason, I feel even more alone and abandoned than I did when Eric had left just an hour before. "I..." A brief hush and then the lecture starts. He reproached me incessantly. I let the phone drop from my ear and sigh. "I can't believe you don't know my name, I saved your life and this is how grateful you are? I thought you were above this, Melissa!..." etc. etc. etc... Cry me a river.
But how long ago was it that I totaled my mother's beloved car? Time no longer had any meaning to me and it felt like every day, I was meeting dozens of new people, but I would wake up the next morning, not remembering a single aspect about the day before. "Eric, I'm stuck in a state of perpetual narcolepsy." *silence* This was really starting to get old. What was it about every single thing I had to say that left everyone totally speechless? "Melissa, I told you to call me six days ago, and you call me today, telling me you are narcoleptic. Do you blame me for being a bit confounded?" My face turns bright red. "I didn't say I was narcoleptic!! I said I was a sadistic masochistic insomniac, trapped in a WORLD of perpetual narcolepsy." More silence. "Well, my cousin is coming down this weekend, so I'm not going to be able to come visit you and sit in your room for another two hours trying to get through to you while you stare at me blankly and pretend to listen to me. Wait, you don't even try to pretend anymore!" His voice rings in my head. Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!! "Ummm... where is your cousin coming from?", I interrupt, glad to be putting a hiatus between his livid ranting because there is a tone in Eric's voice which has never been present before. "Wow, she was actually listening, god forbid. Indiana, Melissa. I'll call you later, I'm going to go pick him up from the airport now." There is a slight pause and he quickly adds, in a small whisper, "I love you." I choke back a sob and hang up.
He left me by myself in that dark alley. And I cried for god knows how long until I heard a familiar voice. Josh. With those two girls who were reviling me earlier in the bathroom. "Oh my god, Meliss!" He rushes over to me. He couldn't save me this time. It was too late. Much too late. The two girls look me up and down with scrutiny. The blonde whispers something to the brunette and they both laugh, raising their eyebrows at my torn shirt and tangled hair. They were laughing at my disheveled countenance but I didn't care anymore. "Bye Josh, call me!", she says flirtactiously as they walk off. "Told ya", she comments snidely to the mousy brunette as they cross the street; the click-clacking of their heels, replacing the melody of the empty city. "Melissa, say something! Are you okay?" His former ice blue eyes now darked four shades until they were almost black. Like mine. I cried some more. "Oh my god, sweetie... calm down... don't cry! Everything's going to be okay... okay?" He picked me up and carried me safely to his apartment a couple blocks down. "Tell me what happened." I wipe my tears from my face and ask "do you want to hear it in a story?"
A wave of nausea washes over me as I see Eric in my head, getting into that turquoise car of his. Cerulean blue. It's my favorite Crayola color. Hahaha, Crayola crayons. Who am I talking to? I'm not sure if it's recent, or if it has been going on for a long time (since my sense of time has become so warped), but I catch myself all the time, talking to no one in particular. Not out loud, but in my head. I'm not talking to myself, and I'm not responding to myself. But I find myself just talking and thinking about the stupidest things. Where did cerulean blue come from? My thoughts swim around this great big head of mine, and whenever one comes across this one point in my head, I think it. It's like a million tadpowls in one fishbowl. They're all trying to cross that one point, but it's a one lane street. One at a time, they're all pushing, fighting their way to have some brain space and some of my thinking time. I need help. Cerulean blue. A crayon saved me that night? Or were they... Josh... Josh's eyes... THAT is his name...
"Your name is Josh!", I exclaim. "Yeah, good guess. You also guessed John and Jason and Eric and-"
"Eric is my boyfriend." I inform Josh. "WHAT?!" My head spins and all I can see is read. "Umm... never mind. Keep talking."
"Melissa, I'm really starting to worry about you..." Gee, I get that one a lot. Was Eric still my boyfriend? Was he ever my boyfriend? Was his name even Eric? Who was Eric? Did he even exist?
I woke up this morning with Josh's arms around me, smiling and happy. I turned over to face him and he yawned and smiled back at me. "What are we going to do about your boyfriend, Eric?" he whispered into my ear. "Oh, him?? Umm.. he's not my boyfriend!" I smiled and laughed, eagerly hoping to catch a glimpse of a smile. I knew he was worried about hurting his best friend. I was worried about hurting Eric too. But remembering the prior night and how much fun I had with Josh at the club was enough to bring a smile to my lips and a sparkle to my eyes. But remembering what had happened after Josh saved me for the second time made me snuggle closer to Josh. And feeling his arms wrap around me tighter made me feel so protected and so... not alone.
My eyes open slowly, and I blink a couple of times, trying to refocus my eyes. When I can finally see, I see Josh and his cerulean blue eyes, staring deep into mine. When he gets mad or upset, they turn dark like the ocean, and if you look close enough, you can see black and purple specks floating around in maelstroms, deep inside his eyes. But most of the time, they are cerulean or ice blue. I sit there pondering on the subject of whether or not Josh's eyes are more mesmerizing than Evan's- wait... what was his name? I try to remember, but I can't. "Let's dance!" Josh flashes that beautiful smile of his at me and grabs my hand, pulling me onto the dance floor. I follow his lead as we move in sync together, wrapping our arms around each other. I rest my head against his shoulder as we sway to the song together. Together... together.
"Together forever!" Eric grins at me as he hands me the box. My mouth, gaping in awe.. I open the box, only to reveal a beautiful diamond locket. My hands shake as I open the locket slowly, and I gasp when I see the most adorable picture of Eric and me together embedded into the metal locket. It was almost as adorable as... the adorable dude on the sidewalk...
"WHAT?!" I try to reiterate to Josh, screaming in his ear again, but it's useless. The music is too loud. I give him a thumbs up and make my way toward the bathroom. Inside, there are two girls, gossiping loudly by the sink as I walk past them quickly into a stall. "OH. MY. GAWD. Did you see that guy with Melissa? He is sooooooo hott!" I freeze, my hands on the sides of the stall as I strain to listen. "She is SOOO lucky!"
"Yeah, I know... but you do realize the only reason he's with her is because she puts out so easily."
"Melissa? No way! She is so nice!"
"Ha! Too nice, if you know what I mean..." They both laugh as they finish washing their hands. "Let's go dance with them. Maybe that guy will ditch the little slut for us." They laugh again and exit the restroom. My stall door burst open and I fall onto the cold hard floor. Choking back sobs, I grab onto the trashcan and try to stand up. Looking at the mirror at my wretched self through tear-filled eyes, I see a flash of light as I turn. Wiping the tears away from my eyes, I look closer at the mirror, moving my hands with my eyes in unison. A silver locket. The white walls of the club bathroom start spinning around; my body, soul, and mind, all wrapped in dizziness and nausea. My eyes fill up with tears again as I feel a queasiness and I know I'm going to vomit. Gripping my sweating hands on the side of the marble sink, I let out a cry. I keel over the sink and let all the anger and frustration out... my body writhing in pain with every convulsion.
"Where were you last night?", he asked angrily. "Melissa, answer me!" I couldn't look at Eric. But when I finally did, the look in his eyes was enough to make my eyes water. The tears flowed down my face, one by one. Slowly, at first, but then into a steady stream. How could I tell Eric that I had slept with his best friend? "You know, it's not good to lick your tears..." He gave me a long hug and held my hand in his, making sure to interlock fingers. He leaned over and kissed me gently. The light turned green. The car behind us honked. Leaning my head out the window, I turn around and yell "Yo! What the hell is your problem?! Fucking asshole!" The car honked again and I stuck my hand out the window and gave the fucker the finger. "Melissa, you probably shouldn't do that..." it might be some really violent gang member with weapons and a whole lot of pent up anger...", Eric said warily as he shifted gears. We stopped at another red light. "Don't worry, Eric... it's probably just some old lady or some retarded punk or- Josh?" His face was outside the window and he looked as though he were going to shoot someone. It was at this point that I wished that he were some really violent gang member instead.
"So how much do you think insurance will cover?", he asks as we walk hand in hand toward his car. Jeremy? John? Jesse? "Ummm... I'm not really sure.... I just know that my mother is going to KILL me!", I remark dreadfully. "Well, don't be so pessimistic about it! Ghandi would kick your ass." I turn to look at ADOTS. "What?" He smiles at me. "Don't worry about it, just know that your mom will be glad that you are okay."
"WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT CAR COST?! DO YOU THINK MONEY GROWS ON TREES?! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!?!" I slammed my door and turned on the radio. "FUCK YOU!" I yell. "DON'T YOU DARE TALK BACK TO ME! FUCK YOU FUCK ME; WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO TALK LIKE THAT?!" I turn the volume up really high, trying ti drown my mom out. After about ten minutes, she gives up trying to unlick my door and just leaves alone. I rest my head back on the pillow, trying to remember what his name is.
"Pssssssst!" A noise from outside my window. I groan, and get up, my body still sore from the car accident. Oh looky who. My darling boyfriend, Eric. I sigh as I open the window. "What now, Eric?" He climbs in quickly and we both sit on my bed. "I heard about the car accident." He takes my hand in his and looks at me with those gorgeous eyes, but my eyes dart away, too scared to hold his gaze. "I heard that Josh saved you." So that's his name. "What did you do with him?" This is SO not happening. Ugggggh. "Yeah, Eric, we made out passionately on what used to be the trunk of the Benz. Then we fornicated wildly on whoever's lawn I ran up onto." He gives me the look (yes, the look) and wraps his arms around me, embracing me in a long hug. "I'm so glad you're okay..." He breaks away and smiles at me. "And it wouldn't be fornicating since you're not a virgin." He gives me a slight wink and smiles a perverse grin at me as I lay back, resting my head on the pillow again. "Copulating then. Happy? Masturbating. Any of them -ating words." Moving his body over mine, his arms above my shoulders on the pillow, he kisses me. Gently at first, but then with a crescendo for more fervor and passion. "You are so beautiful", he whispers in my ear, sending chills down my spine. I let out a moan of pleasure as he tilts his head to kiss my neck and I close my eyes as the night carries on, savoring every minute in his warm and safe embrace.
Stumbling back into the club, I look around for Josh, but he is nowhere to be seen. I walk slowly toward the bar, teetering on my new heels. I'm still dizzy, but I think I'll be okay. Sitting on a bar stool, I ask the bartender for a ginger ale. "Coming right up", he says, smiling wryly at me. I turn around once again to scan the club, looking for Josh. This is when I notice some guy staring at me from all the way across the club. He starts walking toward me, sauntering and swaying. It's pretty obvious he's drunk. I turn around once again, facing the bartender. Presenting me with my ginger ale and a napkin, he also comments "pretty necklace you got there". I freeze as I look past him at the mirror behind the bar, once again faced with the silver locket. I rip it off my neck and shove it in my purse, feeling dizzy again. "Are you okay?", the bartender looks at me, concerned. And then I feel something so cold on my back, I close my eyes and I can't open them.
It can't have been a year yet. But I know it has been a while. And the more I think about it, I think I was trying to kill myself when I ran up onto that lawn in the Benzo. "Melissa, no one can kill themselves by running up someone's lawn." Yes, but maybe I was heading for that trailer when I saw you sitting on that sidewal- "it was a sewer." Whatever. I mean, what is the likelihood that I could barely miss the crippled lady and nothing happened to her? "Very slim, I guess... you shouldn't think like this, you're scaring me..." Well, sorry then. "Melissa, do know that I care a great deal about you, but there's a line I can't cross. Your boyfriend is one of my best friends, and I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize his happiness." Who?! "Eric... you know.. your boyfriend?" Who the hell is Eric?
"You're stinking drunk. Don't touch me, your hands are really cold." He keeps reaching for my arms and legs, but I keep swiping my arm away. This sicko had just put his hand on my back, and it was freezing. "My name is JC... What's yours?" He sits down on the stool next to mine, making himself comfortable. He rests his deathly cold hand on my leg again. Moving a stool down away from him, I manage to croak out "Melissa...." He widens his eyes are me. "Melissa, that's a pretty name... My name is JT..." Wait. FREEZE. Didn't he just say his name was JC? Ugggggggh... I look around the crowded club once more for Josh. It's amazing how packed it is tonight. "How old are you, Michelle?", he says in an intoxicated drawl. "I'm 16." His eyes widen once again, but I move my face a little closer to his, noticing something familiar in those dazed eyes. "I'm 19." That's great, now would you leave me alone? I lock eyes with the bartender, pleading telepathically for him to help me. He comes over, fulfilling my request. "What is this?!", he demands, grabbing the bottle away from JT or JD or whatever the hell his name is. "You're underage, I'm calling security." But by that time, the little rascal had disappeared into the crowd. I gratefully thanked the bartender and set out looking for Jeremy. Or Josh. Whatever his name was.
I never did tell him what happened with Eric's cousin in the alley. But he was so caring and so worried about me that I ended up talking to him for a long part of that night. One thing led to another, and we ended up making love. The guilt that weighs down my soul has turned every day that I live into life-size misery. I go through hell every day when I see Eric and he looks at me with those hurt-filled gorgeous green eyes of his. Where did I go wrong? When I opened up to Josh? When I stopped fighting back against JP? Maybe I'm just a total slut with no self control. Maybe I'm psychotic and the only way I'll feel loved is if I sleep with a lot of guys. Maybe I'm just lonely and desperate for a little bit of warmth in this never-ending freeer that my life has become. Or maybe, just maybe... I'm simply a victim. Of reality.
You're never going to believe what happened to me today with my mom's car!" I exclaimed to Eric over the phone. "Your mom's new 80 grand one?!," He couldn't believe it either. "Yep, that exact one!" I laughed and he asked me to tell it to him like a story. "Why?" I implored. "You're just a good storyteller."